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A Long Awaited Return

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bambam:
Hello, I am Beth.  I have returned after being gone for about a year, and it is so good to be back!  I have been wanting to share my story for a while and have not had the time or opportunity.  So here goes.  I would say it was about two years ago when my world came to a screeching halt.  But let me back up a bit.  At the time, my husband was not on the pastoral staff at church but our church had been planning on hiring him in the very near future.  He looked forward to it, and I was behind him 100% but was very concerned about our financial situation.  My husband was working a very good paying job and would be taking an obvious pay cut. 

With this in mind I move on to another section of the story.  A man and his wife had moved to wyoming for, I think seven years or something like that.  They came to our church before they went out there, and then they moved back here and began attending our church again.  During this time, my life was a bit a mess.  I was suffering from depression, struggling with raising my for kids, and finding no joy in reading my Bible.  I actually sat in my bed one night(I think I was crazy, now that I look back) thinking, I have learned it all.  A thirty year old women who had been in church her whole life, learned most every Bible story there is to learn, sat in church Sunday after Sunday-Wednesday after Wednesday, how could I not know it all by now.  What else could I learn?  Arrogant, I know.  But that's where I found myself. 

Enter the man and his wife.   It came to my attention from going to his blog, that he did not agree with something our pastor taught, and I was intrigued.  Some how I think I found out from my husband that this man was a calvinist, and he believed that God chooses who goes to heaven, and the rest go to hell.  Well, I knew that couldn't be right.  I did not serve a God who never gave certain people a chance to come to Him.  I did not serve a God who selected certain people to be with Him forever, and then blew off the rest of humanity like they were nothing.  I did not believe my Bible taught that-where is the love of God in all of this. 

This man and I began emailing each other.  I asked him tons of questions and tried to refute his belief.  He would give me scripture, I would give him scripture.  In the end, it got me nowhere.  Then I thought-what if he is right??  I began researching.  I studied writings from men like Augustine and Spurgeon-who seems to be Calvinistic, yet he is one of the highly favored sources for preachers and teachers who are not Calvinistic.  I was confounded.  I knew both views could not be right.  So I started studying outside the box.  I went to websites of all different religions and even Atheists to get their point of view on the world.  They made good points about different things.  They asked honest questions about our so called God's love and how could he send a majority of people to hell.  It really got me thinking.  I fell to my knees weeping for humanity several times because I thought "This is NOT the God I want to serve!!"  I told Him that.  I begged Him to show me the truth.  I had had enough!!  I just prayed earnestly-"God, please tell me the truth.  I just want the truth!"   

As I continued to search the internet, I "stumbled" on to this sight called Bible-truths.  Hmmm.  I read, and thought that maybe this was way out in left field-just a bit-okay, alot!!  But, I kept coming back.  Why?  It was the first time since I started searching for answers to my confusion,  that it all made sense what this guy was saying.  It answered my questions about what chosen means, and what it all entailed.  It went further than that and taught that hell was a myth.  I had alot of trouble with this one.  But I read, and read and read and read. I printed evrything out and read it again.  I stayed up till 2am many nights studying.  It was crazy to feel so lost, but so found at the same time.  So relieved, but so confused.  Those were some dark times for me, but full of light.  My problem was with believing the truth.  That's where my battle was!! 

I tried to talk to my husband about what I was reading, but he lacked interest.  We would talk about stuff, but he would eventually tell me that I should talk to pastor, and ask him these things my hubby could not answer.  I did not feel comfortable doing that.  So I went on my merry way with all my questions knowing I would just have to rely on God to answer them-which is what I should be doing anyway. 

One day I had left a page open on my computer and My husband read it.  I do not remember if it was something I had written on the forum or not, but he did not like it.  That's when the turmoil started.  He told me he was going to talk to the pastor and I asked him not to.  So he did not but asked me not to come back here.  I tried not to, but I ended up writing a post about my struggles and about our church and pastor.  Again, not thinking, I left it on the computer and he found it.  He read it and his heart was broken.  He was sad and upset for some time about that.  He ended up showing it to the pastor because it was about him and the church being decieved.  Boy was I in the hot seat!!  The day he found it and showed it to the pastor, my husband called me-it was a Sunday.  He had asked me to come talk to pastor with him earlier and I refused.  Now, as much as I do not want to think he really meant it, I felt like he was giving me the ultimatum to come in and talk to pastor and his wife, or we were going to have some marital issues.  I felt like a knife was being stabbed in my heart.  But I went, because I did not want to lose my family. 

My heart thumped hard that day.  Going to see pastor with my hubby, was a very nervewracking thing.  But we discussed the paper I had written, and the stuff I had been reading-which he really probably read very little of.  I tried to raise some questions, but was so nervous, I had much difficulty, and his response a few times was, well there are things we will not understand here.  I do not think he had a solid answer for me on some of the issues I raised.  He gave me a book written by James Kennedy on the fundamentals of the doctrines of the faith and asked me to read it-I said I would.  And he told me that I should have realized the moment I went to Bible-truths that it was false teaching, and that Ray was a false teacher. I was asked not to go back to the sight again.  My heart sunk.

I walked out of that office, feeling so defeated and alone, yet knowing I did not want to lose my husband or my family.  My husband and the pastor were so concerned about my beliefs because my husband was going to be going on full time the next year.  They had to know I would not cause any trouble with that, before he went on full time.  That was so hard for me.  I was not treated badly, but I felt so stupid.  I could not believe any differently than my husband, and I could not teach Sunday School etc. etc.  I understand that.  It makes sense that I should not be in a leadership position in a church if I do not believe what the church teaches-I get it.  It didn't make me feel any better.  I felt like scum for so long.  I felt very uncomfortable around the pastor, and his wife never seemed to treat me the same since.   My heart was broken.

I spent some time hating going to church-dreading seeing the pastor.  The subject was completely dropped, we got rid of the internet, and that was that.  We have not really talked about it since.  I have just continued reading my Bible and studying the Greek.  My wounded relationship with my hubby began to heal.  He went on full time this past spring and I had asked for the internet back numerous times because of its great usefulness in keeping in touch with people and in homeschooling.           

So, here I am.  What do I do now?  I wait.  I have to tell my husband where my heart lies!!  But when I do.  My life will probably never be the same.  I do not know how to tell him but I am praying that God just brings the right time and place and opens my mouth.  He will-He always does!!!!  I know that my hubby will probably go to pastor and tell him-things will not be easy for me I suspect.  I ask for prayer.  I need strength!!  I need wisdom, and determination.  I need courage!  Thanks for your encouragement, and your prayers.  I am so glad to be back here!! 

In Christ's love,
Beth     

aqrinc:

You have my Prayers sent already Beth. The Word Of GOD Is to be your Guide and Teacher and The Holy Spirit Works with your spirit to do what is right In GOD'S Sight.

george.

Robin:
It is good to see you again Beth. You are in a very difficult situation, but I have no doubt that God will lead you.

I've often wondered about Peter's wife and what she must have gone through when Peter threw his nets down and jumped off his fishing boat to follow Jesus.

Marky Mark:

Hello Beth

  The Truths of the Spirit are most certainly a hard road to follow,but the rewards are great,as you know.May our Father give you all the guidance in your life decisions.

God Bless.




John 15
20 If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. 19 If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. 20 Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also. 21 But all these things will they do unto you for my name's sake, because they know not him that sent me.

John 16
2 These things have I spoken unto you, that ye should not be offended. 2 They shall put you out of the synagogues:

2 Timothy 3
12 Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.

2 Cor.6
16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. 17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you. 18 And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.

Revelation 18
4 And I heard another voice from heaven, saying, Come out of her, my people, that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues.


Peace...Mark

aqrinc:

Beth,

You may have seen this thread before, if not take a bit of time to read please. It is from 2007 and another guest was reading it, that is how i found and read it, very much there about your questions.

http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,4055.msg31069.html#msg31069

george. :)

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