My nephew sent this to me too funny not to share
> The Habenaro
>
>
>
> I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
> course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
> prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely
> going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
> point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that
> if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. It
has
> the famous habenero peppers in it.
>
>
>
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
> coffee(and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's
> Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
> intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony
> referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a
> time
> of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off
for
> the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den..
>
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.I selected a cart and
> began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I
> was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
> the pain hit me.
>
> Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
> referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit
> us
> at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros
in
> the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
>
> In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
> intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
> could
> take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
> relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood,
> alone
> in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the
> likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for
> fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
>
> Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
> body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
> aproned
> clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.. I don't know what
> made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the
> malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn
in
> two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure
> some
> of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor
clerk,
> but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and
> apparently
> indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
> gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving
> his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of
> course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. .......BIG
> mistake!!!!!
>
>
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down',
> if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
> forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
> was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
> someone
> was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun..
>
> Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
> through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
> way,
> praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck
> was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
> inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my a@@ is
> burning SO BAD, purging.
>
> One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
> meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
> said,
> 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly
left.
>
> Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart
> intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
me
> and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
> minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
> manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
> ought to take care of the problem.'
>
> My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
> me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover
> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
> then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
>
> I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too
kindly
> not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was
> nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
>
> The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that
> because we are in court over the whole matter. ===They claim they're
going
> to have to repaint the store.
>
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Topic: this is too funny not to share (Read 5489 times)