Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[MePogo]

I'm so angry...  I know anger hurts me...not the person I'm angry with but I don't know where the "off-switch" is on my temper.  I posted before that my husband has metastatic bone cancer and so very sick.  He is taking morphine for pain and not always thinking straight even though he tries to take it only when things become too unbearable.  But he isn't always thinking straight and has begun to make irrational decisions.  He has asked me several times to "help him" end this.  I will do anything for him in the world - except that.  His healing or passing is God's decision, not mine.  I would gladly take this on myself to save him if that were possible.  He is my husband; the father of our children.  We are one in so many ways.  But I cannot give him my soul.  These "talks" on assisted suicide are so painful and we've lay on the bed and cried together but I won't do as he asks.  I will not allow procedures to artificially prolong his life while he suffers but I want this to be between him and God.  He will leave me when God says it is time, but it will not be by my hand. 

I have noticed that my Wayne perks up sometimes and feels energized by visits from friends and I try to make things as comfortable as possible for them when he is able to sit up and talk.  I leave the room to allow him private time to talk to guy friends which I know have been to complain that I won't help him with a quick end. 

Not long ago, a "friend" offered to help me take him to the city for a doctor's visit...it's a long a torturous trip for him as he can no long sit without extreme pain so morphine is a necessary evil to make the trip.  At the doctor's office, an additional injection of the drug was given, so he had more than the usual dosage.  As we made the 60 mile trip home, my husband mention to his "friend" that he could "pick up" the possessions promised him... thousand of dollars worth of tools...  I glared at them both and said "over my dead body."  What were they talking about?  Was my husband out of his mind.  These things were mine as much as his.  Why was he giving them away?  I just found out that they had agreed on a plan.  He knew where the morphine was (I keep it out of reach and carefully monitor all meds).  This man, my Wayne admitted, had made a pact with him that, for all of his tools, he would give him enough morphine to end his suffering.... because he cared about him.  In return, my husband would give him the contents of his workshop.  Of course the tools would change hands in advance because, once my husband dies, they are mine and I'd give the jerk nothing of course.  In addition, my husband gave him our truck... this is already done, the title signed and the issue not reversible.  It's old and not of great value but I'm so angry.  Of course he can not possibly come back into our house but I'm soooooo angry.  I'm going through so much trying to keep my husband alive and pain free.  Then this from a jackass who pretended to be his friend.  I didn't know I had enough energy or emotion left in me to feel this kind of anger.  I get little sleep, have little time to even tend to my own hygiene or mental health.  Now I'm consumed with anger and rage.  I no longer allow anyone to visit him alone which is sad.  He has alway been a vital, active, highly social person who thrived on "male bonding."  I used to use the visits of friends to give me time for a shower or throwing clothes in the washer.  Now I'm scared to have him alone with anyone.  Narcotic meds are much more difficult to obtain in Mexico than in the US.  I had to sign papers of responsibility, be investigated and held liable for the drugs. I could have been charged with murder if it had been discovered that he died of an overdose. 

I think it is unlikely that this "friend," an American, would have actually followed through with his promise to my husband.  He would have taken his "payment" and simply never come back.  My Wayne cannot walk or even sit upright now because he has no hip or upper leg bone left.  Metastasis has spread to his ribs and he can't lay flat either and no longer use his arms to help me move him.  He would have eventually realized he was scammed and been helpless to do anything about it.

Bottom line, I am so angry.  I can't stop thinking about it.  I'm angry at Wayne but understand he is no longer thinking straight.  But my anger at the low-life who pretended to be his friend is eating me up.  I'm angry at  the government for taking medicare payments from our checks each month and paying nothing for his care.  I'm angry that he can't stop these payments without going to a medicare office personally to stop them and he is in no way transportable.  I'm angry at God for not giving us a miracle cure or taking him.... just keeping his suffering going.  I want to wake up and find out this was all a bad dream and my active, healthy husband is back.  I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be in this position.  Bad decisions.  Most of all, I have such hate in my heart for the monster that tried to take such advantage of this sad situation.  I calmly walked outside and beat my fists against my wall until I tore my hands open when I found out about the deal.  How silly.  Who did that hurt?  I had no idea that I was capable of such hate.  Where is the "off-switch" for hate?  I've tried prayer but God seems to be ignoring me.  I know that God has something in mind.  I know there is some lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this.  How did Christ forgive his tormentors?  How does one love enemies?  Why does God allow such an evil person to live and allow good souls to suffer? 

I have rare chances lately to even visit my forum it's a shame to waste that time with this but I am so sad and scared and angry.  The sad and scared will eventually be healed but God seems to be leaving me alone with the anger.  Any suggestions on how to control it?

Love and blessings to all of you.  I wish I could be at the conference.  I want to meet Ray face to face and tell him how much he has meant to my life.  While I'm busy being angry, I'm even angry that I can't be there :-)
Pogo

[G. Driggs]

Pogo, maybe telling us is the first step in stopping the hate. Im no stranger to hate and rage, and what has helped me is sometimes is to just cry like a baby to God, and let God know like you did. Take up Jesus' yoke, it is light, and if we are the body of Christ we will help pull too. Share your burdens and allow us to help you carry them. I feel your pain as if it was mine. Maybe this is easier said then done, but if you endure through this ferocious storm in a godly way then you will be that much stronger. Admit to Him you are weak and are unable to deal with this alone, He WILL make you strong enough to endure, and if you do, you will have that much less straw and stubble in the end. Dont let the beast within get the best of you, deny it any place in this struggle. I dont believe God is ignoring you, sometimes we have to go through the storm in order to see the calm afterwards. I hope you can see this as a trial you have to go through in order to build godly character. Its like you said, there is a good reason for this if He is not taking it away. I strongly believe He will take it away, hang in there.

Psa 107:28  Then they cried out to the LORD because of their problems. And he brought them out of their troubles.
Psa 107:29  He made the storm as quiet as a whisper. The waves of the ocean calmed down.
Psa 107:30  The people were glad when the ocean became calm. Then he guided them to the harbor they were looking for.

Pro 10:25  When the storm is over, sinners are gone. But those who do right stand firm forever.

Mat 14:22  Right away Jesus MADE the disciples get into the boat. He had them go on ahead of him to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. Then he sent the crowd away.

Mat 14:24  The boat was already a long way from land. It was being POUNDED BY THE WAVES because the wind was blowing against it.

Learn from Peter.

Mat 14:30  But when Peter saw the wind, he was afraid. He began to sink. He cried out, "Lord! Save me!"
Mat 14:31  Right away Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "Your faith is so small!" he said. "Why did you doubt me?"
Mat 14:32  When they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

Jesus would not leave you or forsake you, He is with you in this storm holding your hand, hold on tight!

I hope I haven't made things worse, or offended you, I just wanted to help you dear sister.

Peace Love and Endurance to you

G.Driggs

[G. Driggs]

Hi Pogo, here is an excerpt from 'The Beast Within' @ http://bible-truths.com/lake14.html

"Some of the things we must go through seem bad on the surface. But as in all of God’s dealings, what appears at first to be something horribly bad, is in reality, only a necessary stage in the process of overcoming sin and self so as to be qualified to reign with Christ in bringing the rest of humanity into a knowledge of the Truth, redemption, salvation, and finally, glory."

I think this is what I was trying to say, but Ray says it better. Sincerely hope it helps.

Peace, G.Driggs

[lilitalienboi16]

Holy dear good Lord pogo! I am so extremely sorry to hear about your situation. That is just unbelievable! I'm praying for you! I'm really moved by your story and feel such great sorrow for your husbands suffering! Ill be praying with all i can.

You got a family here with lots of love for you pogo, hang in there! God is with you, even if sometimes you can't see or hear Him! He's their and a mighty Father He is indeed!

God bless,

Alex

[Marlene]

Mepogo, I will keep you in my prayers. I know, how much having someone we love suffer. I feel your pain. We are to share each others burdens. My life has been full of financial, health issues and many family problems. I know, how it feels to want to help and not be able to help.

I also, know what anger is like. We have often been hurt by family who had the means to take some of our burdens from us. To hear of a so called friend who would do such an evil thing is just horrible. Just, turn to God to help you with this anger. I was recently hurt by a family member after being in the family 30 years.  It was as if my marriage means nothing to them. I thought, maybe it was because they are still in the church and think I am misleading my Husband. But, I never forced him to stop going nor forbid him too. But, he likes what I believe. But, I still have to be around them. I don't know how I can help. I cannot help you deal with this. But, I just want you to know you have my love and I am sure the love of the forum members.

When, I found out my niece who is 35 years old has cancer in colon, liver and pancrease it was shock. She takes care of my sister who is paralyzed on her left side from a stroke. She works to help support them.  I try to help but I have many health problems. I look at the situation and I could get angry, but that does no good and it does not make me feel well. I wish, I could find the words to comfort you. I also, found out that my Sister and Niece do not have any life insurance.  I have a 88 about to be 89 year old Mother who lives with me and my Husband. I have always been the one to fix the problems. But, I cannot fix any of this. All, I can tell you is turn to God  and let him give you his peace. Easier said then done.

Right, now I wish I could take your pain away. But, I can't do it. It has always been my nature to help people because I love  people. I am trying to learn to love the family members who have hurt me. I mean, I do love them, but I don't feel there love.

This is hard on you cause it is a so called friend of your Husbands. I tell you to focus on the fact that God loves you and that someday after going through this and we meet God he will wash a way all the pain and tears and anger. I talked to my Niece to day. She told me I could be angry with God but what good would that do. I will live my life till he makes the decision. See my Sister was raped by someone she did not know, but she decidedd to raise this child.
This is my niece who now has the cancer in three vital organs.  Who, need to take care of herself and my Sister. Financial and other ways. This looks bad and it could get worse. But, I believe God will see us through. He suffered your pain. I believe and I know you certainly do that we have one awesome blessing being here. I wanted to meet Ray too. But, things did not turn out that way. But, I just hope and pray that I will be in that elect someday and will be with all of you and Ray. These things we go through today will no longer hurt us.

Good advice from my niece today. She told me to live each day one day at a time and do not be eaten up with bitterness. Anger, and bitterness is a disease God has to heal us from. I look at all my sins as a disease.

Not sure, if any on this helps , but God has put this on my heart for you. We can  share each others burdens. That is why we are in the family of God.

You have my prayers.
In His Love,
Marlene

[Marky Mark]

Hello Pogo.

   Anger is something that we all experience going through in this life.We are by design emotional beings that live and feel through our mind, heart and senses. Right now you are going through these feelings of anger and hate because our Father has willed it in your life. There is a reason to be sure for what you are feeling and that most certainly is for your Spiritual growth. Since our God is not a respecter of any man, but he does show favor to whom He wants,I myself consider it a blessing when things of a bad or evil intent come my way.Not because it is something that I would enjoy on an emotional level but rather something I must go through in order to be taught of the Spirit. We all here know that the earthly lessons of this life time are why we are here to begin with.An experience of good and evil is what Gods intentions are for His children at this time so that we may become righteous sons and daughters of The Most High.

  I use to in my carnal ways put all of the blame for the things that I had to go through[and still do] squarely on a un-loving God who was only out for what He could get. But since coming to the Truth of the Spirit I can now see that it is not what we should want for ourselves but rather what we should want to do to please our God, so that His love can be all in all. That is something I want more than physical life itself. To do the right thing in our minds and hearts is how the Creator will justify all of the trails and tribulations that he puts us through. He is the potter and we are the pot. The more we study the Word and put God first in our lives, the quicker these lessons learned will have a chance to seep in and take effect.Pogo,please always keep the Faith and rely on Father,for he is the reason for being in the first place.

All Praise and Glory to The Father. Amen...

Luke 6:35
35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.

Eph 1:5
5 Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will,

Phil 2:15
15 That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;

Heb 12:6-7
6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.
7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?

Rev 21:7
7 He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son.




Peace and God Bless...Mark

[lauriellen]

dear Pogo,
i am so sorry for your sufferring, and i understand how you would gladly take your husbands sufferring on yourself to ease his pain. unfortunately "WHY GOD?"  seems to be the question of the ages, but i don't think we will get our answers in this lifetime.  The only solace i seem to find is digging into Gods scriptures, especially Job.  I don't pretend to understand all that God is doing or allowing or causing in our lives, but like Job, "tho He slay me, yet i will trust Him."  All we can do is endure to the end, trust in God to work it all out someday......Remember the parable of Lazarus and the Rich man? while everyone else is fixed on the heaven/hell aspect of that parable, i have been drawn to the statement of how the rich man "got his good things" while on this earth....it does seems like some do get good things in this life, while others suffer/struggle with many trials and tribulations. I certainly don't have the answers to "WHY?", and i don't really think anyone else does, either.
When the trials of this life get so hard to understand, i just remind myself that above all else, God is good, His mercy is everlasting and He promises that someday He will wipe away every tear, and there will be no more pain, sorrow or sufferring.
love and prayers,
lauriellen

[9440geoff]

Hi Pogo,

When I am angry I try to separate, in my mind, my spiritual side from my carnal side, because I know that it is my carnal side that generates the anger, and which cannot please God.

Rom 8:7  Our desires fight against God, because they do not and cannot obey God's laws.
Rom 8:8  If we follow our desires, we cannot please God. (CEV)

I try to live 'in my spirit' because I know that it is my spirit that is in communion with God's spirit  and God's spirit will act on my spirit, and then my spirit will act on my carnal nature, to the good.

Hope this makes sense.

1Co 10:13  You are tempted in the same way that everyone else is tempted. But God can be trusted not to let you be tempted too much, and he will show you how to escape from your temptations.
(CEV)

Geoff

[blakparty]

Dear Pogo,
    My heart and prayers go out for you.  I cannot add to all the responces that everyone has given you because I would just be giving you the same scriptures that they have been giving you.  I can say this though.  God has not left you and we all need to be honest about how we feel about a situation even thought it may seem like we are thinking or saying the wrong thing.  We are all human and God knows how we are going to feel before we feel it.  We were made in this weakend state but God will and is making us into His very image.  Unfortunatley we all have to go through a lot of heartache and pain.  I can't say I know how you feel because I have never went through what you are going through right now but I do know what heartache and pain is.  Please know that all of us is praying for you that you will have the strenghth to go through what you are going through.  From experience you will look back at all this and see what God was trying to teach you and how strong you are for going through this.  Each time I go through life's down times I think that God is not there and I get mad too.   But in the end, I understand God much better and believe much better and notice my measure of faith is greater. 
    Here is something that I hope comfort you.  I like this scripture and I think I will hang it on the wall as soon as I find a place to live.   Here it is:
Isaiah 40
 27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
       and complain, O Israel,
       "My way is hidden from the LORD;
       my cause is disregarded by my God"?

 28 Do you not know?
       Have you not heard?
       The LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.

 29 He gives strength to the weary
       and increases the power of the weak.

 30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall;

 31 but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.
God Bless you and hang in there sister it will get better and easier, Rob(blakparty)

[Robin]

Hi Pogo,

When I read your post I saw deep grief and being overwhelmed with the sole care of your husband even though you love him very much and wouldn't have it any other way. There must be a tremendous amount of pain underneath all that anger. Grief often expresses itself in anger when the pain is too great to face all at once. I know how horrible it must be that your husband is trying to find an escape from his pain and asking you and others to help him.

My heart and prayers go out to you. Be gentle with yourself and keep seeking God. The trials are so very hard, but necessary for our correction. I often fight the temptation to go into a rage over the severe suffering of my loved ones. I keep confessing and putting myself at God's feet to continue his work in me. I recognize that all things and all circumstances are designed by God for a purpose. When someone does me a terrible wrong it helps me to know it came from the plan of God and has a purpose in my life and the lives of others.


http://bible-truths.com/lake16-D3.htm

"For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is My brother, and My sister, and mother" (Mark 3:35).

Being angry with a true brother or sister who is doing the will of God, is little different than being angry with God Himself. And if we do it, we will be in danger of the Judgment. Or as some render it, "the Judge or Judges." Jesus is our singular Judge, and we will be the multiple judges that "judge the world & angels" (I Cor. 6:2-3), by these very same principles.

The first four judgments of Jesus in His Sermon revolve around "brothers" in Christ who "do the will of God." And even calling a brother "you fool," will bring judgment of Jesus on your life. But what about the last one-"prison?" Does Jesus put us in prison? Yes, He certainly does. I can personally vouch for this one, and maybe you can too. Sometimes we are put into a position where we just can't get out. There IS NO WAY OUT. We will physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually struggle for a way out, but there is no way out. You are in spiritual prison! And Jesus ONLY has the keys.

These four examples of Christ's judgments in His Elect can come in so many varied and over-lapping circumstances that it may be impossible at any given time to tell exactly which if any of these God is using for your benefit at any particular time. Jesus' personalized uses of judgment, high council, Gehenna, and prison, are obviously geared to fit each individual according to each needed correction.

I do believe, however, that those of us who have been experiencing Jesus' judgments in our lives, can attest to the fact that we can now recognize many of these "strange" things in our lives, as being judgments from God. Have you never experienced a "FIERY trail" such as Peter reminds us of? (I Pet.4:12). As badly as we want these trials to be over, we nonetheless, need to be reminded that these trails are good for us, producing "patience"&"righteousness."

Here is a Scripture that I continually remind myself and others of, when life gets a little hard to bear:

"Now no chastening for the present seems to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby" (Heb. 12:11).

[cjwood]

I like this scripture and I think I will hang it on the wall as soon as I find a place to live.  
 

i think that part of rob's post was the sweetest thing i have read in a long time.  also, the Scripture reference given in isaiah 40 is a testament of comfort we have in our LORD.  

pogo, i have no words that can remove the pain you are experiencing.  i can picture in my mind what emotions and thoughts you must be living through, but i do not know what it is like to be where you are right now.  as geoff posted, in 1 Cor, 10:13, ...but God can be trusted not to let you be tempted too much, and He will show you how to escape from your temptations."

and, as lauriellen posted, ''like Job,...'tho He slay me, yet i will trust Him'.''  i was inspired and enlightened on this, as i had never considered this scripture reference in Job before now, really.  i have read it before in Job 13:15, but i have never considered it in application to pogo's situation with wayne, and wayne's mind towards God.  or applying it to ray and his suffering with the bone cancer which has invaded his body.  

but dear pogo, i am here for you and i will do anything you need me to do. i would love to be able to come and see you personally and give you comfort and support from one sister in Christ to another. but, until then, i (and the other forum family) will listen when you need to scream, we will hug you with a virtual hug, and speak words of healing, support, and comfort, as many have already done on this thread. i was thinking about you while driving in my car earlier today pogo, and your situation with wayne, and his physical suffering. and all of a sudden i envisioned the contrasts in wayne's physical condition; with one of his hips and upper leg bones being shattered, and ray's physical condition; with his being in constant pain, but some days he can move about and some days he can't, but still working and being focused and determined to hold this upcoming conference. i saw the contrasts of how our Father God works in each individual's life. like as in, some are healed, and some are not. but most importantly i saw how keeping faith and trust in God to love us in mercy and grace, no matter how intense our suffering was, is the message that will bring glory to Him. He IS molding you pogo, so stay strong in That Faith which Is Jesus Christ, as He is the Mold you are being poured into. we can all exercise our faith and trust in our Father to give you the strength, comfort, and ability to traverse through this time in your journey.

sometimes in situations where it doesn't seem that certain things could be possible, we wish good things for our loved ones, BUT, we know in our spiritual hearts and minds that all things are possible for God, and not because of wishing. i was thinking about this earlier because i was 'wishing' there could be a way that pogo could attend the conference. but, with the situation the way it is i don't see how she could leave wayne behind, or how he could travel with her to the conference. BUT, i again saw this as another opportunity to give praise to God for the BT website which will make available the conference audio/video and transcripts, so all those who couldn't attend the conference could still receive the teaching given by Him through His servant ray. and then i reminded myself that all is of God, and He is able and willing to teach and comfort us in all ways. and He will take care of pogo (and each and everyone of us).

pogo, i am so sorry that you had to ever think about assisting your own husband in taking his life. i applaud your stand 'he will leave me when God says it is time, but it will not be by my hand'.  i 'wish' i could fix that, so you would never have to even think about such things, but, as marlene stated in her post, 'i cannot fix any of this.'  but, l will continue to pray for you.

claudia

[ez2u]

Dear Pogo
   I am not going to preach to you nor tell you i know how it feels  I don't know how it feels  but i have lost someone very close to me  so a few things help me
this i can pass onto you and kept your wonderful family in my prayers.  Elizabeth Kuber wrote a book on death and dying, its worth knowing the transition for everyone involved.
The stages we naturally go through are real  it helps to know them the pain is real  going through the fire  hurts like hell!  It won't last  you will move on slowly unevenly but God just changed your life forever  He is faithful and knows what He is doing  we don't always and it hurts.

Whether it is wrong or not to relieve your husband of this terrible situation is between you and the Lord Jesus Christ  I personally don't believe suicide is always wrong.
But this is not a license to do so.  Be still, quiet knowing God is in everything and is in control, stilling ones mind, you will be able to hear better.

A course  you would be mad and that is right this jerk  like many do prey on your suffering.  Its so common.  The vulgar  comes out to feast on the suffering.  I had the same thing happen to me as my son laid in a coma for 31/2 years in our home.  Human nature preys on the weakness of others and excuse their sin, especially the medical field to get every cent they can out of someone, even to the tune of bankruptcy.  Happens every day several times a day.  Native Americans were more compassionate to their sick.
By the way these jerks  medical heretics are being taught in their schools how to smile and handle you while they do this.  Church does the same thing too

Know that you will get through this  God knows you are anger, hurt, confused and its fine  be what He made you to be and He will do the changing.  That's trust in the hard times and if you can't well that's okay too because He is the Alpha ad omega, He is able.

[Ninny]

Pogo,
Please know that my prayers are with you..We really do have to endure many things..no solutions, just prayers..
Love,
Kathy

[MePogo]

Thank everyone so much for the love and hope that came with each and every post.  I haven't had much time of course, but have read through several times and printed scriptures to read.  The thing that comes through the strongest is that love is stronger than anger.  Each and every one of you offered me love and patience and understanding and I'm so blessed to have you all to learn from.  The situation here hasn't changed except for the good days leading to bad days, never knowing what will happen in the next hour.  I'm so much better now though.  It's enough to deal with without that horrible anger eating away at me.  I seem to amazingly "gotten past it."  I had to really fight the feeling for days and kept remembering Christ with His words, "Father, forgive them...."  Oh, to have His strength in the midst of pain and suffering.  For now, I've not totally forgiven but have put the thoughts away and determined to work on the "forgive" part.  For a person who wants to follow Christ, I sure have a long way to go. 

I'm satisfied to have faith that all is in His hands, not mine.  After reading and thinking about this, I realized something.  If God actually created the evil that comes about, then we are actually angry at God.  Okay, He knows what He's doing and without the bad stuff, we can't learn and grow.  People sometimes allow themselves, or are put in a position to be desperate.  Then they prey on others, often the weak or helpless (you even see that in TV evangelists).  It's just a fact of life and being so filled with anger and hate over it is also sin.  I haven't reached the "love my enemies" stage yet, but with the Grace of God, I'll get better. 

The first step was to take the problem to all of you, my brothers and sisters, and then just turn it over to God.  I'm going to get through this, whatever happens. 

Thank you so much and love to all of you,
Pogo

[blakparty]

Hi Pogo,
   I hope things are working out for you.  I have been praying everyday for your situation every since I read your post.  Just remember these two things:

Romans 8:31
31What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
And:
Romans 8:28
28And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
I was reading that this morning and thinking about you and your husband.  Love in Christ, Rob(blakparty)

[Linny]

Pogo,
I, like Kathy, do not have solutions for you. But I can say that God is with you in the midst of this pain and torment and He is loving you through it. He has a plan and He desires you to learn through this horrific time how to lean and trust in Him.
He has other lessons for you to learn as well and as difficult as it would be to be thankful for these trials, hopefully you can try to find a thankful heart for at least the lessons He is teaching you and the love He feels towards you.
Bless you! Lin