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How to stop anger?

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MePogo:
I'm so angry...  I know anger hurts me...not the person I'm angry with but I don't know where the "off-switch" is on my temper.  I posted before that my husband has metastatic bone cancer and so very sick.  He is taking morphine for pain and not always thinking straight even though he tries to take it only when things become too unbearable.  But he isn't always thinking straight and has begun to make irrational decisions.  He has asked me several times to "help him" end this.  I will do anything for him in the world - except that.  His healing or passing is God's decision, not mine.  I would gladly take this on myself to save him if that were possible.  He is my husband; the father of our children.  We are one in so many ways.  But I cannot give him my soul.  These "talks" on assisted suicide are so painful and we've lay on the bed and cried together but I won't do as he asks.  I will not allow procedures to artificially prolong his life while he suffers but I want this to be between him and God.  He will leave me when God says it is time, but it will not be by my hand. 

I have noticed that my Wayne perks up sometimes and feels energized by visits from friends and I try to make things as comfortable as possible for them when he is able to sit up and talk.  I leave the room to allow him private time to talk to guy friends which I know have been to complain that I won't help him with a quick end. 

Not long ago, a "friend" offered to help me take him to the city for a doctor's visit...it's a long a torturous trip for him as he can no long sit without extreme pain so morphine is a necessary evil to make the trip.  At the doctor's office, an additional injection of the drug was given, so he had more than the usual dosage.  As we made the 60 mile trip home, my husband mention to his "friend" that he could "pick up" the possessions promised him... thousand of dollars worth of tools...  I glared at them both and said "over my dead body."  What were they talking about?  Was my husband out of his mind.  These things were mine as much as his.  Why was he giving them away?  I just found out that they had agreed on a plan.  He knew where the morphine was (I keep it out of reach and carefully monitor all meds).  This man, my Wayne admitted, had made a pact with him that, for all of his tools, he would give him enough morphine to end his suffering.... because he cared about him.  In return, my husband would give him the contents of his workshop.  Of course the tools would change hands in advance because, once my husband dies, they are mine and I'd give the jerk nothing of course.  In addition, my husband gave him our truck... this is already done, the title signed and the issue not reversible.  It's old and not of great value but I'm so angry.  Of course he can not possibly come back into our house but I'm soooooo angry.  I'm going through so much trying to keep my husband alive and pain free.  Then this from a jackass who pretended to be his friend.  I didn't know I had enough energy or emotion left in me to feel this kind of anger.  I get little sleep, have little time to even tend to my own hygiene or mental health.  Now I'm consumed with anger and rage.  I no longer allow anyone to visit him alone which is sad.  He has alway been a vital, active, highly social person who thrived on "male bonding."  I used to use the visits of friends to give me time for a shower or throwing clothes in the washer.  Now I'm scared to have him alone with anyone.  Narcotic meds are much more difficult to obtain in Mexico than in the US.  I had to sign papers of responsibility, be investigated and held liable for the drugs. I could have been charged with murder if it had been discovered that he died of an overdose. 

I think it is unlikely that this "friend," an American, would have actually followed through with his promise to my husband.  He would have taken his "payment" and simply never come back.  My Wayne cannot walk or even sit upright now because he has no hip or upper leg bone left.  Metastasis has spread to his ribs and he can't lay flat either and no longer use his arms to help me move him.  He would have eventually realized he was scammed and been helpless to do anything about it.

Bottom line, I am so angry.  I can't stop thinking about it.  I'm angry at Wayne but understand he is no longer thinking straight.  But my anger at the low-life who pretended to be his friend is eating me up.  I'm angry at  the government for taking medicare payments from our checks each month and paying nothing for his care.  I'm angry that he can't stop these payments without going to a medicare office personally to stop them and he is in no way transportable.  I'm angry at God for not giving us a miracle cure or taking him.... just keeping his suffering going.  I want to wake up and find out this was all a bad dream and my active, healthy husband is back.  I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be in this position.  Bad decisions.  Most of all, I have such hate in my heart for the monster that tried to take such advantage of this sad situation.  I calmly walked outside and beat my fists against my wall until I tore my hands open when I found out about the deal.  How silly.  Who did that hurt?  I had no idea that I was capable of such hate.  Where is the "off-switch" for hate?  I've tried prayer but God seems to be ignoring me.  I know that God has something in mind.  I know there is some lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this.  How did Christ forgive his tormentors?  How does one love enemies?  Why does God allow such an evil person to live and allow good souls to suffer? 

I have rare chances lately to even visit my forum it's a shame to waste that time with this but I am so sad and scared and angry.  The sad and scared will eventually be healed but God seems to be leaving me alone with the anger.  Any suggestions on how to control it?

Love and blessings to all of you.  I wish I could be at the conference.  I want to meet Ray face to face and tell him how much he has meant to my life.  While I'm busy being angry, I'm even angry that I can't be there :-)
Pogo

G. Driggs:
Pogo, maybe telling us is the first step in stopping the hate. Im no stranger to hate and rage, and what has helped me is sometimes is to just cry like a baby to God, and let God know like you did. Take up Jesus' yoke, it is light, and if we are the body of Christ we will help pull too. Share your burdens and allow us to help you carry them. I feel your pain as if it was mine. Maybe this is easier said then done, but if you endure through this ferocious storm in a godly way then you will be that much stronger. Admit to Him you are weak and are unable to deal with this alone, He WILL make you strong enough to endure, and if you do, you will have that much less straw and stubble in the end. Dont let the beast within get the best of you, deny it any place in this struggle. I dont believe God is ignoring you, sometimes we have to go through the storm in order to see the calm afterwards. I hope you can see this as a trial you have to go through in order to build godly character. Its like you said, there is a good reason for this if He is not taking it away. I strongly believe He will take it away, hang in there.

Psa 107:28  Then they cried out to the LORD because of their problems. And he brought them out of their troubles.
Psa 107:29  He made the storm as quiet as a whisper. The waves of the ocean calmed down.
Psa 107:30  The people were glad when the ocean became calm. Then he guided them to the harbor they were looking for.

Pro 10:25  When the storm is over, sinners are gone. But those who do right stand firm forever.

Mat 14:22  Right away Jesus MADE the disciples get into the boat. He had them go on ahead of him to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. Then he sent the crowd away.

Mat 14:24  The boat was already a long way from land. It was being POUNDED BY THE WAVES because the wind was blowing against it.

Learn from Peter.

Mat 14:30  But when Peter saw the wind, he was afraid. He began to sink. He cried out, "Lord! Save me!"
Mat 14:31  Right away Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "Your faith is so small!" he said. "Why did you doubt me?"
Mat 14:32  When they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

Jesus would not leave you or forsake you, He is with you in this storm holding your hand, hold on tight!

I hope I haven't made things worse, or offended you, I just wanted to help you dear sister.

Peace Love and Endurance to you

G.Driggs

G. Driggs:
Hi Pogo, here is an excerpt from 'The Beast Within' @ http://bible-truths.com/lake14.html

"Some of the things we must go through seem bad on the surface. But as in all of God’s dealings, what appears at first to be something horribly bad, is in reality, only a necessary stage in the process of overcoming sin and self so as to be qualified to reign with Christ in bringing the rest of humanity into a knowledge of the Truth, redemption, salvation, and finally, glory."

I think this is what I was trying to say, but Ray says it better. Sincerely hope it helps.

Peace, G.Driggs

lilitalienboi16:
Holy dear good Lord pogo! I am so extremely sorry to hear about your situation. That is just unbelievable! I'm praying for you! I'm really moved by your story and feel such great sorrow for your husbands suffering! Ill be praying with all i can.

You got a family here with lots of love for you pogo, hang in there! God is with you, even if sometimes you can't see or hear Him! He's their and a mighty Father He is indeed!

God bless,

Alex

Marlene:
Mepogo, I will keep you in my prayers. I know, how much having someone we love suffer. I feel your pain. We are to share each others burdens. My life has been full of financial, health issues and many family problems. I know, how it feels to want to help and not be able to help.

I also, know what anger is like. We have often been hurt by family who had the means to take some of our burdens from us. To hear of a so called friend who would do such an evil thing is just horrible. Just, turn to God to help you with this anger. I was recently hurt by a family member after being in the family 30 years.  It was as if my marriage means nothing to them. I thought, maybe it was because they are still in the church and think I am misleading my Husband. But, I never forced him to stop going nor forbid him too. But, he likes what I believe. But, I still have to be around them. I don't know how I can help. I cannot help you deal with this. But, I just want you to know you have my love and I am sure the love of the forum members.

When, I found out my niece who is 35 years old has cancer in colon, liver and pancrease it was shock. She takes care of my sister who is paralyzed on her left side from a stroke. She works to help support them.  I try to help but I have many health problems. I look at the situation and I could get angry, but that does no good and it does not make me feel well. I wish, I could find the words to comfort you. I also, found out that my Sister and Niece do not have any life insurance.  I have a 88 about to be 89 year old Mother who lives with me and my Husband. I have always been the one to fix the problems. But, I cannot fix any of this. All, I can tell you is turn to God  and let him give you his peace. Easier said then done.

Right, now I wish I could take your pain away. But, I can't do it. It has always been my nature to help people because I love  people. I am trying to learn to love the family members who have hurt me. I mean, I do love them, but I don't feel there love.

This is hard on you cause it is a so called friend of your Husbands. I tell you to focus on the fact that God loves you and that someday after going through this and we meet God he will wash a way all the pain and tears and anger. I talked to my Niece to day. She told me I could be angry with God but what good would that do. I will live my life till he makes the decision. See my Sister was raped by someone she did not know, but she decidedd to raise this child.
This is my niece who now has the cancer in three vital organs.  Who, need to take care of herself and my Sister. Financial and other ways. This looks bad and it could get worse. But, I believe God will see us through. He suffered your pain. I believe and I know you certainly do that we have one awesome blessing being here. I wanted to meet Ray too. But, things did not turn out that way. But, I just hope and pray that I will be in that elect someday and will be with all of you and Ray. These things we go through today will no longer hurt us.

Good advice from my niece today. She told me to live each day one day at a time and do not be eaten up with bitterness. Anger, and bitterness is a disease God has to heal us from. I look at all my sins as a disease.

Not sure, if any on this helps , but God has put this on my heart for you. We can  share each others burdens. That is why we are in the family of God.

You have my prayers.
In His Love,
Marlene

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