First of all, thank you for all you're prayers. Roy told me to just start by telling my story.
This is going to be painful in more than one way. I CAN'T TYPE. O well, here it goes.
I was borne in Germany in 1970(yes Roy robbed the cradle).Both my parents were nurses in a mental hospital (it was very old and scary looking).We lived above the loonies in an attic apartment for several months after I was born. My mom told me, that I started crying every time they just approached the guardhouse. My first two words were s..t and help. By the time I was in elementary school I was put on antiangsiatydrugs, molested by my father, and my teachers thought I was mentally disturbed because I colored only in black. When my dad was "in the mood" he would sometimes ask for volunteers. I did it most of the time, because I could not bare him using my little sister (she is 4years
Younger).My mother hated me. She told me, she wished I was never borne. I think, it’s because, my dad gave me the "love" instead of her. My dad also worked us hard. My sister used to have to show her hands to her teacher in school. He was our neighbor and saw the way he treated us. I always loved my parents though. I always tried to win my moms affection. I spent my allowance buying her flowers and gifts which she would throw at me when she got mad. She also threw me down the stairs twice, and then my guinea pig after me(we both survived). Even being so young ,I worried about everything. When my parents bought a new car, I was worried we wouldn’t be able to pay the bills, or not have enough money for food. I couldn’t watch the news. I was so afraid, that the Russians would come and hurt us. When I was waiting for my mom to come home from work in the evening, I would sometimes get this fear that she was not coming back. I would feel this indescribable sorrow, like somebody died. I would start crying inconsolably. Sometimes I would get so afraid of something I couldn’t even identify I would start scratching my arms.
I always believed in God. I would go to church with one of my friends, even though I didn’t quiet understand how he could be pleased with these prayers that somebody wrote and just get repeated without any feeling. When I was about seven, I asked God to be my daddy and love and care for me because my real mom and dad wouldn’t. I would talk to him and tell him my troubles. When I was sad or afraid I would picture him holding and comforting me. As a teenager I was already having a lot of stomach problems. When I met an American soldier, who asked me to marry him, I said yes. I was 18 .He was not a good man. He was heavily into porn and I had to pay for affection with “favors” again. I had two beautiful children and when my youngest was about a month old, we were told, we would be transferred to America. I was devastated, because our marriage was bad. When I told him, that I didn’t want to go, he only said: What are you going to do? Move in with your mom and be a leach? I couldn’t do that, so I went with him to Colorado Springs. Within 3 months I was suicidal and put on antidepressants. That summer my mom and sisters visited and I was told later by my youngest sister, that he reached up her skirt. She was 13. Things only got worse that summer. He started hanging out in strip clubs, told me he was interviewing the girls. Then he suggested, I should become a stripper, because they make a lot of money. He almost had me convinced. That fall he sent me home to my mother in Germany, for her to straighten me out. I was only allowed to take one of the kids though. He knew, I wasn’t going to come back, if I had both with me. He then called my mom and had her turned against me. She told me, that if I don’t work this out with him, I couldn’t come to her anymore. I completely lost it then. I needed to be with God. It was raining, as I ran blindly to the church. When I got there the doors were closed. I was in such despair, that on my way home, I was waiting for a car to come by, so I could throw myself in front of it. No car came. By the time I got home, my sisters had talked to my mom. She was on my side from then on .When I went to bed that evening I asked God why he wasn’t there when I needed him. He told me he wasn’t in that church building, but with me all along. I had to cut my visit short, because my boy, the one I had to leave behind, fell into total depression. There is no telling what his dad told him about me. He probably told him, I didn’t love him, and wasn’t coming back. I tried to save my marriage. I even poured my heart out to his mom. The only thing she had to say to that, was: he is just like his dad (he raped and beat her), and for better or worse, I had to stay with him. Due to the medicine I got brave enough to leave him. My next husband wasn’t any better, he lied , cheated, stole and I found out later, touched my little girl. I should have been fed up with men by then, but I couldn’t give up on finding my true mate. I joined a new church, which happened to be the same one Roy went to. I think Roy told you the entire story on how god brought us together. It was definitely like the fast and the furious. We didn’t stand a chance. We are definitely two different type of people, and have joked about saying, that God must have a sense of humor, to have put us two together. We have been though so many trials that started right after we got married, that would have broken up seasoned couples. The one thing we wholeheartedly agree on is Ray’s teachings. Matter of fact, when Roy first showed it to me, it was like:yup,that’s what I’ve been looking for. I mean where would you draw the line with who would go to hell. I grew up catholic, and let me tell you, the nuns and priests were some of the meanest, cruelest, most miserable people. How could God favor these people over somebody who is truly a good person, but just doesn’t by into all this church stuff. And how is it that another human being can tell you where you’re going. The thing about not having free will was easy too. Come on if you can’t even change one simple thing about yourself, no matter how much you “will” it, then you’re obviously not free to do so. Any way, it’s all coming together. I guess that’s it for now. This is the best I can do for now considering the state of mind I’m in right now. God is working on delivering me from a lifetime of fear, worry and anxiety. Roy told me two years ago: you better stop all that fretting, or God will take you down. How right he was. My whole nerves system is braking down. I have it all: sever panic attacks with extreme pain all over my body. Sometimes it feels like my whole body is literally on fire. God told me: this is my holy fire purifying you. Other times I have seizer like attacks. Believe me it is not a pretty sight. I’m getting better at praying my way through it. Roy has been great through all this. Sometimes when I get so exhausted, and discouraged, he picks me back up and tells me to cling to God with all my might. He says, you can’t take a lifetime of this stuff out in a few weeks, and to hang in there, because when God is done with this, I will be so strong and at peace with my past. I hope I will be able to give you the conclusion to my testimony soon. I’m sure it will be awesome. Since Roy has been through the exact same thing (isn’t God good, to provide me with a mate, who knows what I’m going through?), he reassures me, that God is doing a wonderful work in me. Thank you all, for letting me share my story. I know a lot of you precious people have been praying for me, for which I’m very grateful for, but please pray for my sweet husband also. This is very hard on him.
God bless,
Silvia
The rest of my testimony to be continued.
Author
Topic: Silvia's testimony (Read 5112 times)