dearest eileen,
i just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. i, like so many here, share in your grief and i completely understand it. it will be 1 year ago on the 24th of this month, that i lay sleeping in my warm cozy bed, unaware that my firstborn child (& his passenger) lay dead in his car in the cold & dark night, under a tree just off the road. i got up that morning, like every morning, showered, and as i was getting dressed i heard the ambulance go by....and like i always did, said a quick little prayer that it wasn't anyone i knew....30 minutes or so later, i got the phone call that my son was in an accident.....my husband & i raced to the scene....we were stopped by a friend, a volunteer fireman who said we could not go to the car because they had not gotten him out yet....i asked him to just tell me if ethan was okay.....this grown man started crying and i knew.....lightening had struck. i hit the ground and my life was forever changed...but unlike so many that say they experience numbness and fog....it was like giant scales fell off my eyes and i was more aware than i had ever been in my life....you see, i was the typical american wife/mom/beast....i was going down the highway of me/lust of the eyes/lust of the flesh/ vanity/pride of life 100 miles an hour. i was stopped dead in my tracks that day. i was struck down & i knew instantly that i was naked, poor, misserable, wrectched & blind. 1/3 of mankind had died in me that day. even though my friends/family tried to console me with "he is fishing with his pappa right now in heaven, or 'he is so happy, he wouldn't come back right now if he could" or "he was saved & he'll be waiting there to meet you when you get to heaven."....i knew, even though i had never heard one ounce of the truth before, i knew deep down in my heart that everything i was hearing was BS! i knew i had to find God, the one true God, somehow, and i knew if i could find Him, i could find the truth....i didn't know how, or where or what, but i had planted in me that day a deep, all-consuming
fire burning to find God.....i begged, i pleaded, i screamed and cried....friends and family encouraged me to see a doctor, get therapy, get xanax, valium,...the worlds answer to pain.....NO! i told them that i NEEDED to feel every ounce of this pain....i didn't know why at the time, i just knew that i needed it....this was between me and God....for the last year, mountains have been moved, valleys have been raised, houses have come crashing down,...
it is hard for me to fully comprehend what a journey my grief has lead me on.....i have grown in ways that i could never imagine, i have died in ways that i never dreamed....it has been the worst of times/the best of times....
but i have a peace/a calm in the middle of the raging sea....and i could have never endured on my own...God sustained me through it all....He lead me when i was blind...He had pity on me, a poor wretched sinner.....
even though a year has passed, the tears still come so easily, but there is always the hope that i have been so graciously given....and even though there is so much i don't know and have yet to learn, God has enabled me to have a greater compassion & be a help to those going through a similar experience. 8 months after my son died, a good friend of mine lost her 15 year old son in an auto accident...i am able to comfort her in her grief in a way i never could had i not been through this experience....
God will never leave us nor forsake us. He will give us the strength to endure even though there were times i didn't think i could. He will grow us through our pain...and use our growth to help others.
anyway, i just wanted to share my story with you, in hopes that you will be encouraged....life does go on, although never the same way.....all is of God.
prayers and love,
lauriellen
Author
Topic: Please pray (Read 16653 times)