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[Oatmeal]

It appears that some things in my past (childhood) are affecting me very severely in the present.  I look older than I am (in some people’s opinion) and I have a fear that resides deep within.  I did have a memory (that appeared to be accurate) that returned 15 years ago or so and it was of something quite horrible, when I was 4 years old (and I don’t know where I get the 4 from, it just seems to be accurate) someone used my mouth for what a man would normally use a woman for, I hope you know what I mean.  There is other stuff that I can’t remember, and I only know that because sometimes I have shaking (trembling) in my stomach area – my emotions WON’T let be remember.  I am shaking as I write this.  The problem is, I think, that I feel TREMENDOUSLY guilty about something, but I can’t remember why.  I have been advised just to continue and God will deal with it but I just want SO MUCH TO BE FREE, and FREE NOW.

Would you please pray for me?  I am making a serious request.  Seriously, if my memory came back and it destroyed me I would rather be destroyed than not remember.

[Dave in Tenn]

Oatmeal, I know only that the Lord has not given us a Spirit of fear, but of a sound mind.  This is His ultimate will for you.

I have absolutely no idea what is true about your memories and wouldn't dare venture a guess.  But I do know that our memories are subject to revision, especially if one is involved with 'talking' them up.  I don't say this for any reason other than to encourage you to lean entirely on the truths of God, no matter what did or did not happen in your past.  Healing and forgiveness are part of His ultimate salvation. 

I have no idea what to pray for you specifically, but I've learned that is not always a bad thing.  Paul often prayed grace and peace.  That sounds like a needful request for you.

[Linny]

Hi Oatmeal, I am so sorry for your current trial. I worked with abused children in a hospital for a while and what you describe is common with them if the abuse happened pre-memory. I know for me, my earliest memory is at age 5.
I will be praying for peace in your heart.
Lin

[Ellie]

Hi Oatmeal,I,m sure that God IS dealing with this situation. If you strain to remember perhaps you will undo what could be a healing  from God.Does not he too have the ability to forget our sins?
What power did you have at the tender age of four?From an adult awareness we can visit on ourselves shame and guilt for something that ..we are accountable for...yes... but not responsible for....our memory at that age can be like a patchwork quilt. Focusing on remembering can subject ourselves to vain imaginings.Strive to put the past behind,keeping your mind on all that is good, pure, and beautiful and forgive.Praying for you...Ellie....

[arion]

I have been advised just to continue and God will deal with it but I just want SO MUCH TO BE FREE, and FREE NOW

I can certainly empathize with you as I too am severely emotionally scarred from childhood in a similar fashion and at 48 years old I am not yet free in this area.  But I am learning that God's work in you and me takes a lot of time in most cases.  We have need of patience.  No amount of skull jockeying which is the only thing the world has to offer can bring healing.  The memories of early childhood can be faulty and can be manipulated by ones who are skilled in this area.  Regardless of what happened God was there at the time and it happened for a reason.  It comes down to trust.  We have to trust that God loves us unconditionally, that he is doing a deep work in us which he will accomplish in His time and in His way, not ours.  What I pray for you is not freedom, but trust and patience.  The freedom will come for you as it will for me but only after God's will is worked out in and through us. 

Blessings,

Doug

[Deborah-Leigh]

I was shocked after reading your post Oatmeal. I could not say anything at first and wanted to escape from the visual you graphically described.

Looking at the comments from those that have responded to comfort, encourage and bless you with  wise words of consolation, has blessed me too.

Joh 21:18  Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdedst thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not.

Your pain will Glorify God Oatmeal and there comes a day when there will be no more tears. 

Arc

[Roy Coates]

Your in my prayers Oatmeal. Only the Lord can heal you this we know. I suggest you see a professional to help you understand what your feeling and how to carry on. I pray God sends you this healing.

[Oatmeal]

I have an appointment with a counsellor in 24 hours time (from the time this is posted).  Some of you may disagree with this but I feel that I must do it.  I have a very strong sense that it is important that I remember the details of what happened to me and it is very very clear that the forces of darkness DON’T want me to remember.

I had a dream once (before any memories came back).

Before me was a vast sumptuous wonderful feast on a very long table.  I couldn’t eat because my mouth was full of gravel.

I think that I have sensed your prayers in the recent past and that is another reason for me to ensure that I again ask you to pray for me.  Thanks a lot for those prayers.

Please pray for me and for the counsellor and that God will open the door.

[Roy Coates]

Trust in the Lord. Sometimes He inspires me to see a counselor too. Continued Prayers

[Ninny]

I will be praying for you..Sometimes you just have to take the path that God leads you to..if your path is a counselor then take it!
God will lead you through all of this!
Kathy

[judith collier]

I'd want to know. I experienced total blockage of a memory but when I remembered I was free. The situation wasn't as awful as yours but it was based in fear.
There was a lady at my children's school and we became friendly but I could never remember her name. This went on until it was embarrasing and I avoided her. For the life of me I couldn't remember. She must have refreshed my memory 3 times. One day while sitting on my porch just ruminating, a scene from my childhood appeared. My grandmother would send me to the dairy a block away for a pint of icecream and I would have to go down the alley and around the corner. I think I was about 5. My grandmother always warned me and I mean every time about a motorcycle gang that hung out at the dairy, The leader of the gang was a woman named Berniece and I was especially warned of her. It was drilled into me.
Can you guess what the lady at school was named? I never forgot it again. Judy

[Deborah-Leigh]

I am so happy that you are going to see a professional counsellor Oatmeal. They are trained to help our broken minds as are Doctors trained to mend our broken bones.

I was privilaged to enjoy the comfort of healing through Clinical Depression that exposed the trauma of having been abused when I was a baby. God gives us some pretty frightening things to suffer and endure and through His Spirit and guidance we overcome. It took ten years and through the experience I was blessed, comforted and finally have come to trust more in God and His Ways.

Arc