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[EKnight]

I am not doing all that well.  I have done a thousand things in these past four weeks and now as I sit home alone, I have no more things to do and so I dwell on Mark and keep wishing things were different.  I want him back more than I can say.  I cry when I'm alone because the kids are able to move on but their loss is different than mine.  The hardest part is when I am feeling so depressed, Mark is not here to console me and he is the only one who could. 

I go to work every day and just go through the motions all the while just trying to distract myself from thinking about Mark.  The fact that I am supposed to be back at work makes me think I should be moving on and I just can't.  I feel hopeless and despair and distraught.  I pray to God to take this pain away from me.  I just don't want to live with the pain and sorrow.  Widows tell me you never get over it.  That's depressing to me.  My heart is aching.  He filled me with laughter.  When we went on one of our first dates, my cheeks literally hurt from laughing and smiling and now it's all gone.  Memories only make me long for yesterday (like the Beatles song).

I helped someone I never met today.  To me it was a small gesture but to her it was the miracle she had been praying for.  She cried as she told me why what I had done was so important to her.  She called me an angel and said "I know God is going to bless you for this".  She said "please let me know if something good happens to you".  I told her I am far from an angel.  Later I emailed her and told her that I have had many blessings in my life already and that maybe God was just blessing her through me and I asked her to just pay it forward.  For that moment, I felt my life had meaning but it soon dissipated.

Thanks for listening.

Love in Christ,
Eileen

[lauriellen]

dearest eileen,
i can say that i know EXACTLY how you feel...i am a little further down the road in my journey of grief, and have been right were you are...please be patient with yourself....i believe God, in His great wisdom and love, only gives us as much grief at a time as we can handle, and when it becomes too much to bear, He gives us a 'rest'....it has been that way for me for the past year...my grief ebbs and flows like the tide,...but in time you will see that you will notice changes in yourself, that only you would recognize, and you will KNOW that you are doing better and making progress in your journey. My heart aches for you, as i know this is not a journey you chose, but was chosen for you, we don't get a choice and the decision is so final, no negotiating, no pardons, no 'i'm not ready for this'....we feel so helpless to change our situation.....it is frustrating to feel so completely helpless and out of control....i understand the days of feeling like life is not worth living, i felt dead inside and that i didn't want to go on, but one day i looked at my family and knew how selfish i had been to feel that way....your family NEEDS you, if you are 'okay', they will be 'okay'....if you are not, then they will not be either....it is just our cross to bear and only God knows why....i will tell you that the pain never does go away, but you learn to live with it, BUT you will also find joy again....your pain will always be a part of you, but JOY will also be there, too....kinda like learning to walk with a limp for the rest of your life...
i put these quotes by Ray on my FB page today in hopes that they would help someone, maybe they will help you:
     "To be in the IMAGE of God means that we will have the very same CHARACTER AND LOVE of God. Character and Love cannot be created instantly; it can only be developed over a period of time under severe pressure and duress.  And so God creates severe pressure and duress, which produces GODLY CHARACTER.  Imagine creating "patience," INSTANTLY?  Why the very thought is self-contradicting. Patience by its very nature means that something must be WAITED FOR even though it is desired NOW.

God knows what He is doing. Now then, there is a second part to all this. We ourselves would never ever really appreciate the qualities of character, virtue, and love, that we will possess if we did not have to "sweat blood" to get them. There is no virtue that you can name that is not the result of overcoming some form of evil.  And so this physical, human, temporal existence is as beneficial for US, and it is to GOD."

keep talking to God, He will walk you through this valley, and you WILL come through.

“But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold” (Job 23:10).

any time you need someone to talk to, i would be glad to help in any way i can....my email is lecallicoat@hughes.net or you can send me a private email on this forum.
love and prayers,
lauriellen
 

[judith collier]

Keep talking Eileen, it is way, way to early to "move on" I hate the new word passed around, "closure"
My friend's husband left her and people expected way too much and too soon. Don't let anyone do that to you. However long it takes, take it !! Talk, talk, talk, about your husband, make an album for your children with all the wonderful moments you and your husband shared.  CRY as long as you want. Don't try to be too heroic in front of your children, let them comfort you. It is good for them.
Mail me, I want to hear all about him and you. If grief is not shared it can bring you down. We have a shelter where children who have lost a sibling or friend can go and be together and share their grief. Have you ever seen people from other countries and how they grieve? They wail and  holler, hold on to the caskets and here we are supposed to be stoic and civil. God is not offended, He, Himself wept..
It's going to be one day at a time for a long time, the worse is now. Some day but not yet.
We love you. judy

[Deborah-Leigh]

The One you love and HE is not dead He is Risen. Mark will sleep till HE our Lord,  touches him into newness of life and by then, God will have wrought in you those changes you feel happening that will change you for Mark who will understand and join you in your love for God that is being re-newed every painful step of your way. Your love for God is being renewed.  That is worth living for, that God alone is making you live for He is working in you, His Promise of life without death, life without tears and life of His Son Jesus Christ who is Risen.

Keep living Eileen as you die in sorrow and embrace loss, you will by the Spirit of Christ find hope as and when He feeds your weary soul, broken heart and tear strained eyes, and you will live, like you have never lived before. We all will.

We all have to go through, in some way shape or form, what you are experiencing. Pick up the signs along your way of His Presence with you to perhaps share with those who shall come behind you so you might help them and encourage or lift them through this terrible experience of desperate inner anguish that you shall pass through to another side unlike anything you can imagine. There are those before and behind us but more importantly He is with us working all things to good for you and for us who Love God and care about you Eileen as we see Him in you walking the way known to Him and His Disciples.

Blessings to you
Deborah

[OBrenda]

You've been in my thoughts...and prayers

Sendings hugs,
Brenda

[EKnight]

I can hardly believe the love that you, complete physical strangers, have exhibited towards me.  I am not sure that I could be that loving.  I'm pretty selfish and feel selfish just expressing me grief to you all. Therefore, I feel completely undeserving of your responses but thank God for them just the same.  I seem to have no trouble going on and on about my woes but can't seem to express enough how much I appreciate the support I have received here on this forum.  I pray God strengthens me and makes me more like all of you.

Thank you again and again.  Would any of you be upset if I shared with my family some of things that you all have written to me?  I would like them to know the type of good people I am involved with just in case they think I am into something like scientology.  You know, just to put their minds at ease.

BTW here is something my sister said to me in email after I spoke about my faith at length to her last night.

I like to listen to what you have to say about your faith.  It makes alot of sense, I feel alot of the same things you feel, i just have not given up on the organized religion i guess.   It is more comforting to hear you than to hear Regina,   I don't agree with everything but i can understand a little bit better.  So I wasn't just being patient, i was listening and thinking about what you were saying.

Love in Christ,
Eileen

[Deborah-Leigh]

Hi Eileen

What is written in the Forum is for the world to see. Any one any where any time, has access to read the BT Web site and Forum that it published for public perusal. The Forum is not a closed in camera room of secrecy. Some 6million people have visited this site since its inception.

I believe as long as you do not change the content or alter in any way, what is written by the individuals who have posted, then you should feel free to communicate what ever you feel to who ever you feel for what ever reason you feel.

Ray sets the example we should adhere to: bible truths.com  or  bible-truths. Everyone is welcome to copy the material on this site and freely distribute it to others. You do not need permission from us to do this. All we ask is that you give us credit and do not in any way, CHANGE, PLAGIARIZE or SELL any material from bible-truths.com.[/b]

Everything we do is before God, so no, I would have no problem if you want to share anything I have written. As for Scientology, the founder L Ron Hubbard once lived next door to us in Rhodesia...now Zimbabwe. I was 8 years old and he became my Fathers best friend before he dissappeared....Hubbard that is...not my father. My parents never did believe in Ron's Church....He told my father that if he wanted to make millions...all it took was to think of a gimmik....well the rest is history!

Arc

[judith collier]

Go for it Eileen!!! Judy