I've been reading about the refining fire in this life if God chooses us, and Ray teaching about how you know, if you have persecution. That got me wondering because I haven't felt "persecuted" for my faith at all. Of course, I haven't been speaking out about my beliefs, much either, only when I feel led to share them and that usually when someone is searching along the same lines.
So I prayed that if it was God's will, I would know persecution. Weird prayer, I admit! But I was wondering.
Anyway, it did happen that I was in a group, at a church, a prayer group where we've been praying for God to lead the church where He would have them go. My prayers in this group have been pretty generic, asking for God's wisdom, leading, etc. This past week's meeting, however, we had a big discussion beforehand. Turns out that all of the prayer sessions have been directed behind the scenes by a paid consultant. The "leaders" of each little group have leading discussion questions to sort of direct our prayers each week. This bothered me a lot. So I spoke my conflicts, and then asked what was the purpose of the church anyway? Answers from the prayer leader: to have programs that benefit the church body and to evangelize the gospel and bring people to salvation. The paid consultant and team leaders have determined which programs to consider doing and want the prayer groups to get divine messages about which ones specifically to start. They're looking for consensus answers as the message from God.
I had so many problems with this answer that I started sputtering -- part of the discussion was about the description of programs and it boils down to "nice" activities for different age groups: commuters, aging baby boomers, motorcyclists, single moms, youth. Anything that will involve potential problems, like hosting AA, was off the table. I asked what about where God's spirit leads - maybe into messy lives, people who are desperate to hear good news and get real help? I said I thought the purpose of the church was to praise and glorify God and obey Him. Everyone looked at me like I was from Mars. The leader said we had worship at the Sunday service, that was enough.
Well, I felt persecution for the rest of the hour. Discussion points were lobbed at me hard. Prayers were pointed, and not at God, I don't think.
I have been raised to be a good girl, polite, not causing dissension, a woman who should smooth things over and soothe. All my upbringing and life's habits were clanging internally in me, red alert - back down, be nice, don't be cranky, be friends with everyone again. But I couldn't do it.
I've been thinking about this for days. I have known that I don't belong in the Babylon church system, but have been trying to do things under the radar, so to speak - just being in prayer groups for people, help with missions (physical help, not the evangelizing, which I can't do anymore as I don't believe the message of free will to choose salvation), going to teas, etc. But when I heard about paid consultants and behind-the-scenes group control using prayer to God to get what they wanted for the direction of the church, I couldn't keep silent. I felt like an old-time prophet, being really grouchy and cantankerous.
Anyway - I guess God answered my prayer about persecution! I'm even getting some from my husband, who really likes the woman who spearheads the program - he wants me to "see their side". I'm shutting up for now, but am trying to discern exactly how God wants me to handle my leave-taking. I know He will show me the steps, so I'm not worried or upset. But it was an eye-opening experience, that's for sure!
Any thoughts? I'm not sure if I'm analyzing things correctly.
Karen