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[EKnight]

I don't think I can take anymore.  My world appears to be falling apart.  God is just laying it on too thick.

First He takes away the one person in this world that loved me unconditionally and leaves me with alone with no help in the muck and mire of my life.

TJ is just as a mess as always and my husband was dealing with it.  Apparently there's been a rat making it's home in my home.  I've always had mice since we live in the country but rats??  I've had mass amounts of frogs dying in my pool per day.  My husband's deceased mother's dog who we adopted (I never expected the dog to outlive my husband who was taking care of the three dogs) is incontinent so my whole house smells like urine.  We've got him on 100mg of Proin per day now and hoping that helps but this is after a battery of expensive tests.  I finally went on vacation to NC where the house we rented was infested with millipedes and I had to wait around for exterminators and cleaning people half my vacation which cost me 2800.00 then nearly 1600.00 to board the dogs and have them updated on vaccines. 

My oven isn't working properly, my dryer isn't working properly, the ice maker in the freezer isn't working (not that big a deal).  I need my driveway paved before the winter comes otherwise it will be one sheet of ice and this is going to cost me 5400.00.  I need to have an underground oil tank abandoned as well and I don't know yet what that will be costing.

All these expenses on top of the fact that I just lost more than half my income when Mark died!! AND I now have to pay out of pocket for our health insurance at the rate of 1100.00 a month!

Jack is going back to college on Sunday (which he just told me tonight) and he is the only one who has been taking care of the grounds outside.  I don't know how to operate the ride-on mower and I'm too short anyway.  I'm probably gonna have to pay someone to close my pool because Mark always did it and we bought a safety cover last year that no one knows how to put on.

I know some of this seems trivial but when you relied so heavily on someone and that person is no longer there, every little things is another mountain to climb and I'm just tired of the whole thing.  I'm thankful that Mark left me with enough money to cover these things so far but it won't last forever.

And all I've asked of God so far is to bring Mark to me in my dreams and give me strength.  No dreams and I'm losing my strength both physically and mentally.  Where is the light in all this?  I've been waiting to see the forest through the trees and I can't see a thing.  I know, I know, I'm exactly where God wants me and all in His time not mine.  It's just getting frustrating and I'm really really tired.

Thanks for listening.

Eileen

[Cypress]

 

Eileen, I'll pray for you. You remind me so much of my mother when my dad died. My mother didn't even know how to write a check and she was left with so much on her shoulders. My dad did everything around here. Our pool was also full of frogs and had to be torn down (it was above ground) and a lot fell into disrepair. We couldn't pay taxes on our house and for years the Lord used my family in NJ to help us with that so we wouldn't lose the house. Our driveway...God sent neighbors at the end of the block to pave it! I can't even begin to tell you how God has used random people and situations to help us. Throughout everything, God's hand never left us. He always provided and got us through each day, and I know he will do the same for you. When I have my dark days, my mom reminds me that we have to go through the fire. I know you know this...so I'm just going to send you a *hug* instead. I know it's hard, but please keep going, and remember what we are all working towards. I can't wait for that day.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer various trials, These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you... much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.- 1 Peter 1:6-7

Elaine

[iris]

Hi Eileen, I am so sorry for your loss. It knocks the wind out of us to lose a love one. I too lost my husband and two of my children. Its hard, but if you pray to God to help you make it through each day, he will. I think John's advice is very good. Instead of trying to solve all the problems at once, just take one at a time. I'l be praying for you.

Love,
Iris

[cjwood]

eileen, i will continue to pray for you and your situation. i believe you are stronger than you think you are. Jesus Christ will be your Strength when you have lost your own strength. He is faithful.

claudia

[Deborah-Leigh]

I'm thankful that Mark left me with enough money to cover these things so far but it won't last forever.

Hello Eileen

You ask:

Where is the light in all this?

THERE is the light in all this ~ Mark left you with enough money to cover these things so far......

It won't last forever is correct and actually that too is a light under heavy disguise of the trial you are suffering. That it won't last for ever, assures that you have changes coming. These changes are wrought of God who is causing everything as you describe it, right down to the last little rat or mouse, millipede and exterminator. Even the smell of urine is God's responsibility!

Oh dear Eileen ~ I do not know if someone had come to me and written that the six inch glass window and broken telephone connecting me and my amazing husband who was sitting in front of me in orange prison garb, and the horrendous body search that violated my sense of dignity as it was done by a gloating lesbian, before I was permitted to see my husband, and the horror of being mocked that when the prison had no idea where he was - that he may have died, was ALL the Plan of God for me to experience....I don't know if I was told that, if I would have been comforted. No one told me. I was numb in mind heart and soul and the numbness kept me dazed as slowly I began, imperceptibly to my consciousness, I began to unfold into another person completely different to the one that was alive, strong, self assured, determined and confident BEFORE what I experienced! I don't know if I got a letter from you, made visible to the world, open in this Forum, if you had told me that God was doing, causing every little pain, every huge fear and every gross feeling of injustice that I felt in the horror of being disabled, dismembered from my usual platforms of inner sense of security....I don't know if you had said to me what I am saying to you...I don't know if THEN, in the excruciating painful moment of deep suffering and unrecognisable trauma...I don't know if it would then have helped. Probabley not and that is why it did not happen. God caused me to be strenghtened as He saw fit and appropriate and He did make changes in me.

Suffice to say dear Eileen, I feel your suffering as it triggers what I mayself have passed through. I feel the comfort that God loves you. He really does.

Yesterday I heard a song by the Beetles. The lyrics made me think of God and what He does to us.

He loves you...yea, yea, yea....He loves you....yea...yea...yea  

Then the lyrics say ...You know You hurt her so...she almost lost her mind...but NOW she says SHE KNOWS...You're NOT the hurting kind....!

With a Love like that, you know You (God) should be glad (and He will be!)....well God is making the, love like that,    in you, and me, and all of us who are really hurting for Him, calling to Him, crying to Him in desperate heart felt turning to Him for comfort, explanation, some respite and Mercy... and all He is doing is making us into His Image and it hurts like proverbial Hell, but more Scriptural, it is the baptism of fire marking you and me and those who are turned towards Him in our, their darkest most deeply painful moments that HE CAUSES us to be in AND in God's Mercy HE causes us to turn towards HIM...THAT  IS HIM doing it all to turn us to Him and it is HIM doing it all! It is Him marking us as HIS People, His own and we are being marked by the Fire of God. ..... as His.  

I know it may be all very well for me to say, yet dear sister let me inform you, my trials are not over yet...and while I am enjoying a little hiatus from the deep scourging Heat of the Consuming Fire of our God,...I simply wanted to try to help in some way, to help in any way, and just to say yes, I too know what pain is of the kind that marks the Authority of our God making us into His Image. I am not the only one who knows this either. Most of us here know, feel, understand and comprehend what you are experiencing that triggers our own recollections and issues with our personal and not so public grief, woes and trials. This is the way to God's Kingdom. We are on our way. You, I and all of us who God is turning towards HIM and His Responsibility for us not in accusation, confrontation but in recognition...of God, for God towards God who is Powerful beyond any palpet bashing gospel singing hoax that has never felt the Fire. I don't want to put those folks down either but just to show you they don't know nothing yet...and maybe, just maybe, when you are through your ordeal, you shall have to help them folks. I hope you learn something from my effort to help you do a better job than I am only just learning to attempt.

God is working.

A big hug to you.... I have asked God to give you a little break of peace, calm and tranquility of His Peace to strengthen, assure and assist your endurance.

Arc

 

[jassy]

Eileen.

None of what you said is trivial. Its all huge when you perceive yourself as on your own. Things seem to spin out of control and no matter how you try put out fires and stay on top of it, the next thing hits.
You feel weak, fragile and in the end you would not be surprised  to find a bullseye painted on your back.

I have had similar trials, not the same and not as bad mostly but been there. Everything you were terrified of happens. Maby you did not know it was one of your fears, but you soon realise it was up there on the subconscious list.

The only solace I can give you is when you come out on the other side (and you will) is that it was not quite as terrifying as you imagined it would be. 
That the control over life you thought you had never existed in the first place. You are so blooming tired in the end you have to give it over to the Lord in totality cause you can hardly summon up energy to brush your teeth.


 I just spoke to my sister who has been through scary times as well and asked her what she would say to you. She said when you can reach the place where you can give God praise as the next exciting episode hits then you become the victor.
And the circumstances lose their power over you.
Also she said that she saw Gods hand in every single thing that happened to her.  Losing her husband, her house, and having to rely totally on Gods mercy as she brought up two little girls. If there was a single electrical appliance working at one stage she said, her and the girls would be amazed.


I know this does not help with what you are going through now, but hang in there. A lot of us girls been down that road and we still here  

jassy

[Roy Martin]

Hello Eileen,
 I know its so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel, but its in this darkness you are in that God works His best. Simply put; He is drawing you closer to Him even though it seems just the opposite because of all that is going on. God is changing you, your heart, your desires and passions. What you see as bad; God sees as good.
 When this is over you will have much faith, and be more dependent on God more than you ever have before.
 A time will come for you that you will see all that is going on now to be a blessing.

Peace
Roy

[Vangie]

Eileen,
My heart goes out to you--I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now.  Please know that my prayers and thoughts are with you to continue to overcome.

Love to you in Christ,
Vangie

[daywalker]

Hello Eileen--

WOW! I've been complaining a ton to God lately, because I too have been feeling like He's laying far too much on me at the same time, and I'm getting very tired and frustrated; and though I am going through tough times, you blew me away with the tribulations you are enduring! I am humbled by your post, and I am deeply empathetic for you and what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that Our Father continues to give you your "daily bread".

Christopher

[darren]

Just wanted to say, I'm sorry for your lost  Eileen. Hang in there. Remember, This to shall pass.

Darren

[judith collier]

Dear Eileen, my heart is breaking for you and all the others on here. And maybe now you won't be consoled but try to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. All the advice given is so good and so true. Please hold on, pray for courage as I will for you. I also pray the grace of perserverance. I wish I were closer to be a friend to you and help in some way.
I am glad you told us these things, they need to be shared by the body of Christ so we can hold you up. God knows exactly EVERYTHING that is taking place with you.
You must do whatever is best for yourself even if it calls for very hard decisions. If my husband's income was taken away I would have to let go of this old house as much as I love it. I hate doing everything now that my husband is blind and I cry at night, especially. And now I found out there is more cancer.
His strength is more powerful in weakness therefore I trust He will see me through and everything will be as it should and was pre-ordained. I am weak and i don't like this at all but God has given me determination and a new friend from long ago has come into my life who is a good support. You see He knew I needed this at this time. She worked for a plastic surgeon for years and this is exactly the kind of Dct. I am in need of now and was so scared but she is going to go with me and is so knowledgable.

How I wish things were different but they aren't and I am able now to accept better as you will eventually be. God will take care of you Eileen and gradually work all the kinks out. The more I let go and wait on Him situations are happening on their own for my good and erasing my worries. And I am no more special to God than you! Trust in His love for you.
judy

[Marlene]

Eileen, I know, that words can just be words. But, God is with you even if you do not feel like he is. I can not  add anything more to what has been said. But, I think of you all the time. I love you and will pray for you. I know, that he will ease some of these problems and lighten your load. I just feel bad for you and can only be there for you if you need a friend.

In His Love,
Marlene

[musicman]

I'm sorry that this load of crap is being dropped on you.  I myself am clueless as to what God is doing to you.  I hope you have more faith than myself because I'm down right p'd at God right now.  For me very little is going well but this has been for a lifetime.  Even the pleasure of enjoying my job was taken away from me a year ago.  But then I read about your troubles and they are so much more grand.  I hope you have a supportive family and a satifying job.  Those are so important just to get by in daily life.  I'll try praying for you but it seems God knows about my doubts. 

[Ninny]

Eileen,
I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time...The only thing I can do is love you and pray for you which I do and I will! I feel so helpless to be a comfort to you! I will pray that God will show you a glimmer of hope in all of this..sometimes a tiny glimmer of hope and faith is all we have to get us through..We only have the faith that God gives us..So just hold on to that little measure..it is enough to get you through each minute..if you have to take life minute by minute then God will give you the strength for that minute..I can't say anything that will help you, but I will pray that God will...
Love you..
Kathy 

[EKnight]

To all of you.

Your words have brought me to tears.  I almost feel selfish.  Even musicman had heartfelt words!!  I can't tell you how much your support has uplifted me. 

Sometimes I am just to tired and lazy to visit BT and I always feel guilty about it because I know there is so much faith here and I turn my back on it.  Some of you have said you are humbled by my trials and all the while I go through them I think to myself over and over how much worse it all could be.  I remember posting a year or so ago that so many of you have suffered far worse than I have ever suffered and the truth is, I still think that.  I know how blessed I have been and I am thankful for it and I don't want God to think I'm not but I just miss Mark so much and then the weight of all these other things I have to deal with alone is just so daunting.  I just want God to tell me why.  I've always been my father's daughter in that we both always needed to know why and how things worked and it's frustrating not knowing why this is part of God's plan.

I don't want you all to think I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  I am not.  I function on a day to day basis fairly well.  I try to remember not to worry about tomorrow for there is enough worry for today.  That is sometimes hard to do though especially when I am the sole provider for my kids even though they are essentially adults.  Two of them are still in college so I just want to see them through that but that is still two or three years off for my youngest Jeannine.

I appreciate all of your support.  You truly are faithful and very Christ-like. 

I am grateful,

Eileen

[Deborah-Leigh]

Your reply, Eileen, felt like we were all taken together, and gathered up, into a huge warm hug......

[Astrapho]

As I was reading through this thread, I was listening to this piece of orchestral music... I thought you'd appreciate a listen, it lets me forget my worries for just those few minutes.

I don't know any words of comfort because I cannot possibly imagine how down and out you might feel right now... Just wanted to let you know I'll be praying as well. I imagine 10 years down the road, you'll look back and smile... For now, keep going!

[musicman]

I could tell that was Ravel without even looking.

[Astrapho]

Oh no! Musicman has read my mind through my monitor! -puts on tinfoil hat- D:

[cjwood]

astropho, your comment about the tinfoil hat absolutely cracked me up. 

claudia