Dearest Sandy
One broken heart to another…
I am grateful that God gave you the courage to write how you honestly feel about Him. There is so much hypocrisy and keeping up of appearances that requires God to elect who He gives the courage to speak truthfully and honestly, which He has given you to so do.
I am
not happy for your suffering
at all, but that how you
feel about God, and that you shared how you feel, makes
me not feel so alone! For
that I am grateful.
I
remember you.
I am
so happy to see your new little companion! Ash grey like the ashes that God is drawing you out of gently, critically compassionately and with great Love.
Oh Sandy my arms reach out to you to give you a big tearful hug.
Your story is horrible! It is
so devastatingly horrible….
...and truthful!
I find peace in thinking about little Gracie and you together. She is beautiful, just like you.
I know too that it appears to us that God uses ungodly ways and means to do His Work. It is horrendous. We are so very helpless. I often have wanted to die for the pain, the fear, the uncertainty and anguish and I know God can re-cause the experience anytime soon or not at all.
I have talked to God worse than my most vitriolic and harshly phrased responses I have on record to members here in the Forum in my earlier days.
His Mercy that endures forever, did not endure with me, but stopped, just a few days ago. I let God know about it and realized too that when He said “Depart from Me, I know you not..” that Hades is a place He knows about too because He doesn’t let us go through anything He has not been through Himself. It hasn’t helped very much but the very little it has helped to know that it wasn’t a sin or offence to talk to God the way I did, is better than nothing at all. Much better…than nothing at all.
You say : I guess I'm posting this to show God on Judgment Day, to say that I tried and couldn't do it. It's not my fault.
It is not a “fault” but a condition that we all have Sandy. God causes us to have that condition to try and not succeed. It is God’s idea not ours! God is responsible and we come to that point when God causes us to through the circumstances which are HORRIBLE that God writes for us to go through to find out that our condition is exactly His Idea! You note the condition exactly as you say, quote: If He pushes me away, there's nothing I can do to change His mind.
That is exactly how God has made all of us Sandy and you have found out personally by direct experience because God wanted you to know it! Yes, non of us can do squat to change God’s mind. Nothing helps! Nothing we can do or say or anything at all can move, or change or deflect God all mighty and that is a very good, positive, healthy magnificent thing about our God. A mortal can not influence, deflect or change God. That is a good thing but to experience it is a very deeply painfully terrifying experience that only God can elect us to endure or overcome. You say:
God promises to never leave or forsake us, but this time I think He has.
I believe you Sandy.
Just this week I wrote to God and told Him that ‘His Mercy that endures forever’ had stopped with me. The perception God gave me to experience, broke my heart. This is the third day and I am still healing from the fact that God can and does do whatever He sees fit, regardless of my opinion, because He is Responsible for us ALL, and I believe God takes His Responsibility very seriously. He gave me comfort to look again at the anguish Habakkuk felt when he saw God using the Chaldeans, merciless barbarism to punish His people. If the Chaldeans had been merciful, lenient or less barbaric, the Work would not have been accomplished that God was doing. After getting this perception that only God could have given Habakkuk, what did Habakkuk do ~ he rejoiced in what and how God was going about His Ways and Means. I am not quite there yet…I want to be, but am not yet. God has given me the desire to be, but not the fulfillment yet…
…it hurts so bad to find out by direct, unprovoked ( unprovoked according to what we understand at the time of our suffering) experience, that hurts so bad. We have need to depend on God so completely and when the pain is gone, the reward will come. It has to unless, as you and I say…God stopped…His Mercy ran out…His never leaving or forsaking us failed…God died, is dead and is in Hades where He knows us not…. yet, this IS part of our human condition to experience, suffer and find out,……. is not actually true that God’s Mercy ends or that His leaving or forsaking fails. What is true is this is how we die, by thinking God failed, His Mercy ended and God forsakes us and though it seems so this is our experience of our death, not God’s.
Actually God is alive. God lives and all this pain and anguish is His Idea, Ways, Means and Responsibility. God is causing everything and Habakkuk was the one God made to live and tell the story of what God caused him to experience in horror and be delivered from in joy, and live to testify!
I have some hope that what I have written in this post to you, God willing, bears some resemblance of encouragement and at best, a little bit of upliftment, for what it’s worth.
Fondest love to you Sandy, and little Gracie….
Arc