Corny but Fun Puns

[Vangie]

1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference... He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger... Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[grapehound]

Superb Vangie,

Try this one, a quote from Emo Phillips:

" One night I prayed that God would send me a new bicycle. Then I thought, 'God doesn't work like that' : so I stole one, then asked Him to forgive me."!

[Akira329]

Vangie that was great!!
I might use some!

Antaiwan

[grapehound]

Antaiwan!
I noticed your signature box has an Uncle Albert quote.
Here's another:

"Only two things are infinite, the Universe and Human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

[judith collier]

Wish I was smart and witty enough but alas!!!
Judy

[cjwood]

thanks vangie!  i am going to forward them on to others for sure. i read something the other day, in a women's toilet stall no less  , and it read 'i would rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.' 

claudia

[judith collier]

Claudia, that was priceless!!!!!!
judy

[Shawn Fainn]

Good stuff. I've been playing Fallout 3 a bit lately.. here are a few good ones from it:


War doesn't determine who is right, only who is left

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

A neutron buys a drink at the bar, he asks, "how much?" and the barkeep says, "for you, no charge."

I was going to to a clairvoyance meeting. But it was cancelled due to unforseen circumstances.

It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.

I once visited a crematorium where they gave discounts to burn victims.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

[grapehound]

You know what they do with old Bowling balls?
They make rosary beads for Catholic elephants.