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Testimony - Work in Progress

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JohnMichael:
Hello All,

I wasn't sure where to put this - Introductions or here - so I hope I didn't put it in the wrong place. Please forgive me if I did. I don't know what it is I'm seeking by posting this. Maybe God wants to use this to strengthen and comfort someone reading this. I don't know. All I know is that I feel led to make this post, and I come before you with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I hope to God that I don't come across as prideful or arrogant or in any other self-glorifying manner. I really do want to follow in His footsteps.

I wrote Ray an email a while back, and if he's reading this, he may remember me. He responded to my email which I was very surprised by. I told him of how I am a homosexual, and how I prayed for years for God to cleanse me. I have confessed my sin to my previous pastors, and I have genuinely sought deliverance. I have begged and pleaded, cried and groaned to God. I have thrown myself on the altar in prayer countless times. I was always one of the firsts to come when the altar was opened (Pentecostal church service). I have had many elders pray over me with the laying on of hands. However, still “For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin [is] ever before me” (Psalms 51:3, KJV).

I dare to hope and believe with all my heart that God is working in me still. I beg Him regularly to please don't give me over to a reprobate mind; I don't want to be in the resurrection of the unjust. I believe the Good Gospel of my Lord, God, Savior, and Master Jesus Christ. I can understand Ray's papers. I have cast aside the doctrines of devils (Hell, Free Will, Materialistic Heaven, etc). I dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, I will be found blameless before Him someday. I pray every day, several times a day, thanking Him for His blessings, and asking for forgiveness for my sins. I know it's a simplistic analogy, but I feel a lot like a child who wants to crawl into his Father's lap and just cry. I can hear His voice chastising me when I do something wrong such as speaking in anger or when pride tries to creep in. Thus far, God has instilled in me the knowledge of my sin, but He has not commanded yet that I stop (I'm currently in a relationship, and I do love my boyfriend very much). I was a practitioner of witchcraft for many years after leaving the church, and God dealt with me and told me I needed to stop. It started out as a firm, still, small voice in my spirit saying, “You know that's wrong.” After a while (a period of months), it changed to, “You need to start trusting in Me again, and leave that behind now.” I stopped immediately, and I give all glory to God because I know it was Him who delivered me not myself. Therefore, I wonder if, as in the situation with the sin of witchcraft, God is laying the foundation right now to build upon later (if that makes sense).

I have been raped, beaten (physically and emotionally), betrayed by “friends,” abandoned by “friends,” badmouthed, and publicly ridiculed. I have HIV. I smoke. I bear my crosses of sickness, smoking, and homosexuality daily. Even though, according to man, I have every reason to be bitter, hateful, and jaded, I still thank God for His Goodness, Grace, Love, and Mercy every chance I get. I have lived both sides of the verse, “Whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken; but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder” (Luke 20:18, KJV). Admittedly though, there have been times when I have said, “God, you said you'd never put more on me than I could bear, but sometimes, I wish you didn't have so much faith in me,” but then I remember “For whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom He receiveth” (Hebrews 12:6, KJV), and I get a glimpse of hope.

I still wonder though in the still of the night which resurrection I will be in. I know I'm not worthy to even hold His sandals. I know I am as excrement in His sight. I don't have to be told that I'm disgusting or dirty or repulsive. I know all too well that I am.

However, I desperately cling to verses such as:

“And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table” (Matthew 15:27, KJV).

“But the other answering rebuked him, saying, Dost not thou fear God, seeing thou art in the same condemnation? And we indeed justly; for we receive the due reward of our deeds: but this man hath done nothing amiss. And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom” (Luke 23:40-42, KJV).

“The sacrifices of God [are] a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise” (Psalm 51:17, KJV).

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified” (Isaiah 61:3, KJV).

...like a drowning person clings to a life raft, or a person clings to a telephone pole when whipped about by winds in a tornado/hurricane.

I feel very much like the woman who came to anoint Jesus' feet. I know I'm not worthy to, but I want to. I break down in tears when I think of how He died for me, and how broken and weak I am in repayment of that Sacrifice. I can only hope in the knowledge that God sees my heart, and that that will not be cast aside in the Day of our Lord's return. I can only hope...

May “The LORD bless thee, and keep thee:
The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:
The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26, KJV)

In all things, Thy will be done, Lord.
Amen in Jesus' name,
John

Ireland:
Hi John, I just want to acknowledge your contrite heart and that you seem to really want to be hid in Christ. All of us here are struggling with some form of sin in our lives and longing to be perfected. You are aware of your situation in this relationship so I will not elaborate. I would never condone that behavior so I just pray that God will cause you to stop. Ironic that you have to quit that lifestyle and yet it will be Christ that gives you that strenghth to do it. Dear John, it is the same for us all. The men here may not be homosexuals but I bet most of us struggle with lust after these beautiful things called "Women". We all just have this terrible connection with the flesh. Oh how I despise it and yet the Great "I am" created it so he could conquer it. Bless you in your effort to love Christ and live for him.

Dave in Tenn:
John, no doubt you know at least some of these verses.

1Co 6:9-11  Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.  And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.

I also have struggled with what the world would consider 'serious' sins.  Looking at the familiar lists of characters that won't be reigning in the Kingdom, I either literally am or literally have been, in deed or thought, at least 75% of them.  In Spirit, I've been and am all of them--considering where we break the commandment in one, we break it in all.  

I believe I can tell you this as testimony--you are not without hope.

If 100 people had lined up to tell me 'don't do this' while I struggled in the church or succumbed and wallowed in the world for 20 years, I would not have been able to 'stop', even when I wanted to.  I came to believe the Gospel about three years ago now.  Some things have fallen away easily and others the Lord has not removed easily, but has forced me to lean on him and to act in faith.

Some things I haven't begun to tackle.  I know that He works in increments, because I've experienced this--more than once.  

This walk is NOT LIKE my religious past, and the power I have had enabling me to overcome in areas has come as 1.  I get rid of the lies and baggage of babylon, and 2.  Learn the Truths of God, recieving the Spirit of God and the Mind of Christ.  It IS Him working in me.

The other way it is not like my religious past, is that I KNOW that the Lord is not mocked.  He sees the very motives of my heart.  I cannot pull the wool over His eyes or fool Him in any way.  He knows my works, my faith, my desire, my thoughts, my motives--and He is not surprised at anything, including my many failures.  He designed me to fail, and so far I've proved to 'operate within specified parameters.'  ;)   He also knows my heart and my state when the Spirit is willing, but flesh is weak.

There's a time and a place for failure, and also a time and a place for 'with Christ I can do all things'.  There is a time to live against the will of God according to His ultimate purpose, and a time to repent.  There is a time coming when your repentance will be effective.  And if you are speaking the truth about your desires, that ought to give you hope.

...such were some of you...but you are washed, you are sanctified, you are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of God.  Leave babylon (and all the lies), learn what this means, and live it.

Hang in there, John.    
 

judith collier:
JohnMichael, there is one beautiful thing i see about you and that is you love much an doesn't that cover a multutude of sins. No judgement here but i will pray for you, not anything specific just, Lord have mercy on John and all of us.
love, judy

G. Driggs:

--- Quote from: JohnMichael on April 05, 2011, 09:33:27 PM --- I really do want to follow in His footsteps.

--- End quote ---


You got it. Ray once said to follow in Jesus' footsteps until we stop sinning. It's a lifelong process, so try to be patient with yourself and with God. We all repent in increments, little by little, one step at a time.


--- Quote from: JohnMichael on April 05, 2011, 09:33:27 PM ---I still wonder though in the still of the night which resurrection I will be in.

--- End quote ---


More than ever (just recently) I believe we can know IF we are dying to self on a day to day basis.

1Co 9:26 I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air:
1Co 9:27  But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.

Php 3:10  That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;
Php 3:11  If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.
Php 3:12  Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.

Jas 1:12  Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

I hope this has encouraged you as much as it has me.

Dont worry about it, just do what you know is right and honest. It's takes a lot of time to change completely. Ray wasnt kidding when he said getting saved is the hardest thing you will ever do. It's suppose to be hard, but the rewards are great.

Praying for you JohnMichael, please pray for me too.

Much Peace & Love

G.Driggs

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