Hi everyone. I've been here before and I missed it, so I came back. I just wanted to say hello. I feel like the Isrealites who refused to enter the Promised Land because of their fear, and I am wandering in the wilderness of deception. I don't want to be there, but I am too scared to stand up to the people in my life that I love. So, I do my duties and know in my heart what's true, but feel so alone. I pray that one day I am able to break free of the prison I am in. But for now, I wait. I would come here sometimes and read, and wish I could comment on one thing or another. Now I have come back, and even that is a secret, despite my desire to try to stay away because I do not want to be deceptive. I hate lying. And yet, I think I am doing alot of that, and even if it's not balatant, it's in my heart. I see what I think it is that God is doing with this place in which we live and die, and I want so badly to believe it is really true. That He is going to make every single thing he ever created all new. Where I go, everyone believes that some things(people) will be eternally "not new", and will never have the chance to be made new. I don't want to believe that God created everything, only to to eternally, excrutiatingly curse and afflict at least half, if not more of it.
I know, in the flesh, absolutely no one who sees all of creation as being rescued and fixed. I know absolutely no one who believes that God planned everything to be just the way it is for an ultimate purpose of teaching, training, birthing, everything new. That is why I had to come back. Even if it is under cover.
I don't want it to be. I want to shout it from the housetops, that God is making everything beautiful in His time. Knowing that changes the way I work. Knowing that changes the way I think, and act, and live.
But, I am physically alone in this, which I think is what causes my doubts. To try to become not alone in this really isn't up to me is it? It doesn't make any sense to me how something so absolutely miraculously wonderful, could be so dividing and hurtful when it should bring joy and hope to people! I think that is my biggest struggle.
In any event, I am glad to be back and I am hoping to stay as long as I can. My prayer is for the one person in my life that matters most to me to be able to see what I see. I pray for that, for him, and hope and pray his eyes and ears are opened. Thanks for praying with me.
Beth