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[onelovedread]

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.  He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation....then with great joy....and expectation.....she pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said....... "I'll take Him.....Him.....and...Him."
...
Marriage Humor:
   
Wife: 'What are you doing?'   
Husband: 'Nothing.'
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'   
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Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'   
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'   
Wife: 'Yes or no.'     
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet..  Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'   
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'   
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'   
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'   
_______________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'   
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'   
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Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
The Wife replied. 'Your racehorse phoned'

[Dave in Tenn]

 

[onelovedread]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,  'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
-   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'   
- Eleanor Roosevelt   
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.   
- Mark Twain 
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.   
- George Burns   
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.   
- Victor Borge   
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.   
- Mark Twain   
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.   
- Socrates   
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.   
- Groucho Marx   
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe..   
- Jimmy Durante   
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I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.   
- Zsa Zsa Gabor   
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.   
- Alex Levine   
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.   
- Rodney Dangerfield   
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.   
- Spike Milligan   
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .   
- Joe Namath   
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.   
- Bob Hope   
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields   
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.   
- Will Rogers     
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.   
- Winston Churchill   
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..   
- Phyllis Diller   
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.   
- Billy Crystal   
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And the cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out.