Hi John
No doubt anyone who has been called to be part of the Elect will feel a lot pf private pain. If you do suffer for righteousness sake, then you will have a reward. Your wounds are fresh, the balm of Gilead you need. I pray that Jesus will be that balm in ever increasing measure.
It is impossible for anyone of us to know what walk God has ordained for us to walk in. Speaking for myself, as someone over twice your age, I could not have predicted how my life would turn out...it has been so far from what I would of guessed...But the hand of God is clear, as I look back. many things I would never want to go through again. But they were necessary, and brought fruit. Many blessings He has given me I am utterly grateful for. But the inward groan, it does persist. we need to be clothed anew. I truly truly hope you will somehow, persevere, and will receiving a great blessing for running a good race.
from your perspective right now it has to look rather challenging, and I surely can understand that. And you are counting the cost. Please keep the heart and faith. And you actually do not know what the cost will turn out to be, until the end. You cannot know yet, what joys God has prepared for you, either in this life, or the next.
But I deeply feel the pain of your post, I do. And I respect you for saying what you have said.
Doug