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depression

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Patric:
Hello,
I find it ironic that I was going to post about depression, that which I struggle with and have since I was 25. When I read this post and the responses to it. Having suffered and still in that battle I can relate all too well. I do find everyone has there own personal 'hell' or level of depression.

I tried several times to end my life. With two of those instances landing me into the hospital. Once with tubes down my throat and being put into a hyperbaric chamber to combat the effects of carbon monoxide poisoning I put myself through while leaving my car running in the garage and going to sleep. I was sure I was not going to wake up but I did. The real depression came in the years to follow. I wanted to escape. No such thing was going to happen. Days would go by where I did not get out of bed nor eat often for up to a week.....once I tried to dehydrate myself with 11 1/2 days of no food or water. I figured in a bout 10 days I would be so weak that I would not wake up. (I had actually read a DR. in a book saying the human body can last about 7-`10days with no water in sedentary conditions, like stranded on island or something) I would pray often that God would end my life. The suffering was too great. A few friends would come to see me but mostly I was alone. My family housed me and let me ride out this phase. I am thankful they did not give up on me nor put me in a sanitarium. I refused help. Doctors to me had no idea what they were doing, and were just in a hurry to fix me with drugs and get me out of a bed to which the next poor fool could come use, while I was in the hospital.

There are common symptoms for sure.....loss of interest, the blahs, loss of appetite. I found nothing was funny, and nothing was sad at the same time.....nothing mattered and I was merely existing. However I do think it is over diagnosed in America, and way too often drugs are given to combat this. There are more natural remedies, but with that said......I am positive you can not will yourself out it. This is my understanding. You are not just blue or down. There is no control over this battle. It is humbling and dastardly. So simply just going out to see a movie or be with friends or play a game or have something to eat you really enjoy. It does not just go away. I was singing along to a song one day on may way home from work, and I realized OMG I can not make myself happy and things I like do not effect my condition.....this is bad! Soon after I quit my job and attempted to end my life a few more times. I will not get into those. Suffice not to bore anybody with details nor give any ideas in case others are already in this spiritual weakened state.


In it's worst for me. I slept(up to 16 hours at times), ate, watched TV and slept. FOR 4 YEARS. LOL I did not go outside. I do not do fun things. I did not take showers, or even change clothes during this time. Crazy you say? well this my level of insanity and depression. One time my mother during one of her bouts with depression told me she refused to even get up to use the bathroom! So she wet herself and refused to clean it or even get up out of it. To which I said "mom that is crazy!" I said this as I was in the middle of my own depression.  I saw something worse then my own. I did gain tons of head knowledge of the Bible during my dark time.......I read my bible tons......wrote out prayers.....and wished of death often.

Depression is best described in this way. You are in a cave with no light already. Now add a pair of sunglasses. You do not even care where the exit is. If there is one....the painful journey to find it will surely be long and far away......not worth the effort.....your own mind is your enemy.
The tiniest of circumstances can "chain' you down. As a circus elephant is held by a small rope. which you know he could snap easily if given any effort. But he was trained with a huge chain which he could not break. Now his mentality tells him, as soon as he pulls and feels that tension. He is sure he can not break it. So the small rope holds him. I did not go outside. But certainly I was not afraid to do so. I chose not to. I even dream of depression and this assures my mind is not done with it. To me this is more horrifying as mostly it is the same dream. I am in a dark room feeling that rope on me. I know I am not going to get any better. I smell bad, I look bad. The hopelessness is upon me. My rope is too strong my mind says.

It has been 20 years now since I first attempted to take my own life. I still am depressed though not as dark as it was for 4 years where I did not change clothes, shower or go outside. I spoke with lawyer who asked me why I was working? LOL I told him I don't wanna be homeless. And in order to be disabled or receive money for disability to qualify you can not be working, at least initially. I never used drugs to fight my battle. I did not even believe in the Doctors and would talk circles around them with spiritual pain I was suffering. The mental and even physical pain that can come from depression is very real.

My battle was more spiritual. The 'professionals' would ask me why I was depressed? what happened? did you lose a girlfriend? did someone die? did you lose money? why are you like this? All I could tell them was that was my defiance toward God and I that I was better off dead. Better to have a milestone tied to my neck and tossed into the lake rather than have one of these little ones led astray by my actions. I was sure I was no good and not changing. I went to a non denominational church for 4 years prior to being depressed and my sin chased me as I was never good enough and was not repenting. Odd though I was a virgin, did not smoke or do drugs and was a pretty good guy but the church showed me just how evil I was and I was convinced my thoughts were evil all the time.

All can say is that I have no confidence in the flesh, not in Doctors, pills, or any human answer for depression. I don't blame my sin or Satan. The Father knows why he gave me such a gift. To humble me and understand the pain. If it helps one person then it will be worth the suffering I went through and continue to in my flesh......my spirit grows.

just my two cents....

Rhys 🕊:
Thanks for sharing Patric. Worth a bit more than 2 cents I think.

God bless you

Rhys

Dennis Vogel:
http://drhyman.com/blog/2010/08/25/mind-control-how-your-body-can-automatically-improve-depression/#close

Patric:
Thanx Rhys and Dennis

Rito1980:
*teaching links removed*

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