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[Addison]

I don’t expect a lot of people to remember me considering I never posted very much. Some of you may know me from Facebook though (although I recently deactivated).

I was shown bibletruths.com back in the fall of 2006 by Alex (user- lilitalienboy) and Jason (don’t know his username) when I was almost 18 years old. It was shortly after I started believing in God, and I absolutely NEEDED to learn about the things L.Ray Smith taught. At times I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown from the fear of the whole hell thing- I have anxiety pretty bad and so the fear of hell seemed to affect me more than it did other people who claimed to believe in it.

I first started believing in God after having a very powerful spiritual experience when I was 17 and so I started looking into religion to maybe find an answer. The teachings of Christ (especially the whole “love” concept, of course) made a lot of sense to me, but the teaching of eternal damnation just was so contrary to the nature of the God that I felt was drawing me to Him. I started reading some Christian books and eventually started considering myself a Christian, and I believed in free will and I had that stupid argument that “we choose Christ and those who aren’t saved choose to not be saved”. When I later learned that it is God who drags us to Christ from the scriptures, not our ‘free will’ that chooses Him, I realized that when I had my spiritual experience it definitely wasn’t my “choosing” since it appeared to come when I wasn’t expecting it and I definitely wasn’t searching for anything when I first got called.

 But deep down I always had a problem with the whole hell thing.

One night on MySpace in a Christian group forum (This is where I would sometimes go to get answers to my questions I was struggling with) I saw some people (these people being Alex and Jason from our forum here on BT) arguing that Christ would save all people, and all the “Christians’ in the forum were treating them as heretics and eventually banned them from posting. But I was instantly intrigued with what they believed because it seemed to be much more in line with the spirit of the experience I had. I sent Alex a PM and he told me about bibletruths.com. So I started reading L.Ray Smith’s articles then and I learned so much! I have never really read the bible much (I still don’t as much as I should) because I don’t seem to have the patience or attention for it, but from L.Ray Smith’s site I was able to develop a better framework about how God works. The three most profound truths for me were the myth of free will, the purpose of suffering and evil, and of course universal reconciliation. I believed this was my answered prayer from God that finally gave me a rest from the fear of hell, and I KNEW that the site was special from the very beginning.

When I first learned some of the truth I admit I felt safer to give in to my lusts and other temptations, so I went back into the world. I reasoned that I was eating from the tree of knowledge and so if I had the temptation to do something then it must mean it’s God’s will for me to give in to it and I would learn not only evil from the experience, but also good. Although philosophically that is true, I know now that that it is a stupid disposition to have because I started going through some pretty bad tribulation- I was miserable for a while going through fiery trials. But I eventually saw that I was overcoming some of my sins and it seemed to me that I was beginning to experience the fruits of the spirit more.

I eventually began wondering why God showed me some of these things. Again, I wasn’t very well versed with the scriptures so I convinced myself that I wasn’t necessarily meant to be a disciple but perhaps God had some other purpose for me.
I have never stopped thinking about God since I learned the truths that I did from BT back in 2006, but I was still confused. I resisted temptation sometimes, but not always, and I have even fornicated, gotten drunk more than a few times, been puffed up with pride, been disgustingly lustful, done drugs, had a filthy mouth, been unforgiving, hateful, etc., etc.
Sometimes while I would be doing these things I would know in the back of my mind that they were sinful. And I feared that God would eventually judge me for this and it would be horrible and that I would really regret it and even hate myself. Sometimes it’s hard to understand how severe God’s judgment can be until you go through it.

Well, I believe that I recently started “going through it” again. I assumed that if God would judge me it would be through emotional or physical pain, but right now I am going through some extreme PSYCHOLOGICAL suffering which I didn’t really anticipate. Sometimes I wonder if psychological suffering is worse- put me through some pain if you have to, but don’t let me lose my mind! I have A.D.D. pretty bad and I also have had bad anxiety my whole life, but I have gone long periods of time when it has hardly affected my life at all. Right now my anxiety is some of the worse it has ever been and this is the main reason why I have made the decision to come back to the forum and seek comfort and fellowship from all of you.

A couple months ago I had been drinking one night and smoked marijuana and had a near psychotic episode from it, which is not normal. Ever since then I have had extreme anxiety and at times it feels like I’m on the verge of a psychotic episode. And I have been seeing all of these articles lately about how marijuana can cause schizophrenia in some people (those who have adverse reactions to it especially- which I do) and it has been causing me troubling anxiety.
I guess I am scared because I feel like God has already put me through intense suffering because of my sins before, and even after that I still went back and committed the very same sins again, and I am wondering if God is judging me for this by driving me to the point of insanity.

A few verses I have been wondering about lately too- will anyone please explain these for me?

4 For it is impossible to renew to repentance those who were once enlightened, who tasted the heavenly gift, became companions with the Holy Spirit, 5 tasted God’s good word and the powers of the coming age, 6 and who have fallen away, because, to their own harm, they are recrucifying the Son of God and holding Him up to contempt. (Hebrews 6:4-6)

I KNOW that I have “tasted the heavenly word, became companions with the Holy Spirit, and tasted God’s good word and the powers of the coming age, but like I said I have also sinned knowing that what I was doing was sin even after God had enlightened me. So it is “too late”? It’s impossible for me to be renewed to repentance again?

26 For if we sin willfully after having received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,27 but a certain fearful expectation of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries.28 He that despised Moses’ law died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses.29 Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath accounted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath despised the Spirit of grace?(Hebrews 10:26-29)

Is God forsaking me? Is he putting me through this with no hope of mercy in this age?

I feel like I hate my life and that I am willing to leave everything I have to follow Him at this point. I feel so stupid for not realizing how lucky I was for knowing some of the truth and still doing some of these things. I feel stupid that I have had an opportunity to have fellowship with all of you and be edified by being a part of this forum, but for some reason I never committed myself to it. I ask for all of you to please pray for me. I am living with my grandmother right now trying to take care of her but it is hard when I am going through all of this. I am desperate to have God back in my life at this point and strive towards being a Godly disciple. I want to be apart of the BT family and I want to strive for the kingdom.

I wish I could explain my whole story for all of you but it would be just too long. I will post more later but again I ask to pray for me because I am going through so much right now.

Addison

[Kat]

Hi Addison,

It is good to have you back among us 
I can understand the concerns of wondering if maybe you have went too far and now are lost, for this age anyway. I found an place where Ray addressed this very thing at one of is conferences.

http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,4472.0.html ------

I get these emails all the time, about once every week or 10 days, it seems like. I don’t send these all to the forum, because it gets so redundant. People think they have commented the unpardonable sin and it is woe-is-me. I get this, ‘really Ray I think I did, I mean I didn’t want to, but I think I did.’ ‘I think I blasphemed the Holy Spirit.’ I say, if you’re worried about it, then you didn’t. I can tell you with the authority of Jesus Christ, that if you are worried about it, you didn’t. Because if you did, you wouldn’t be worried about it. People that blaspheme the Holy Spirit of God are not worried about it, not at all.
 
I mean with all my heart and being, I said to my brother. I said Satan has got you by the throat. He said, 'ha ha ha, I don’t think so.' I mean my heart just went, phoom. When you are nonchalant, you’re probably not where you should be. If you are concerned, ‘I don’t know if I’m doing everything I should be or I need to do.’  ‘I want to please God.’ If you are in that attitude, well then for sure you have not blasphemed the Holy Spirit of God! You would not have that attitude of concern and wanting to please God, if you were blaspheming the spirit of God. So get that out of your head. If you are concerned for what God thinks of you and whether you are living right, if you are concern about that, then get it out of your head, you have not commented the unpardonable sin. That can only be rectified in judgment. You have not. Your not there, so don’t worry about that. It doesn’t mean you don’t have sin. It doesn’t mean you don’t have things that need to be straightened up. But for sure you did not blaspheme the Holy Spirit of God.
------------------------------------------------------

It is good to be here, around like minded people, where you spend most of your time is what will shape your mind or as in says in Proverbs.

Pro 23:7  For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

Do not live with regret, you cannot change the past. Repent and strive to obey, God will bless a good and positive attitude.

mercy, peace and love
Kat

[Pierdut]

I think that I might have blasphemed the Holy Spirit of God because truth be told my concern isn't to please God or live a sinless life, and there are some things I don't think I will ever be able to change; things that are contrary to being Christ's disciple. No, it's not sexual sins like fornication; all I need is one woman (a wife) and all my sexual sins will disappear. I don't need 'many women,' as one of Ray's detractors said in an email to him (if there's no hell - he'll live as he wants). These sins, unlike the ones related to sex don't have a way out sort to say - a way to make it acceptable to God.

So if I blasphemed the Holy Spirit, does that mean that God will continue to make my life miserable no matter what I do?
I have prayed for mercy and forgiveness, but it doesn't seem to have any effect.

If I am beyond the point of no return in this life then I wish God would at least leave me alone and not work against me all the time.

I really am uncertain about this and I really need some things to go right in my life in order to stop feeling like I am damned or cursed or something.

I am so uncertain where I stand with God, and feel so hopeless. The knowledge that I do have doesn't help me much, if even at all. It's what I don't know that matters.

So while my concern isn't to 'please God' per se, IT IS to find if there's anything I can do to change this horrible luck (or whatever you wanna call it) in my life. I don't know why things always go so wrong in my life but they always do. I have no joy, no peace, I am constantly depressed and feeling hopeless, and like time is running out.

Maybe I don't really fit in here... I feel like an outcast (cast out by God).

I hope God will have some mercy on me, and allow me to have some kind of a life. That's all I ask. Is that too much to ask?

[Pierdut]

Addison,  I too had have a nervous breakdown and gone through much of the same things you've gone through - it was the worst thing I've ever experienced. I'd take physical pain over that anyday.

I hope that God will show you mercy, and unlike myself, I am certain you have NOT blasphemed the Holy Spirit and are NOT beyond redemption in this age. You are willing to give up everything to be brought back in; I honestly can not, I tried, I said I would and even prayed about it, and couldn't do it - couldn't change what I am. God knows this so no point in pretending otherwise or lying.

I may be many things, but I am honest; even to a fault.

[Dave in Tenn]

Good to meet you.  I really liked reading your story and can relate to it in many ways.  Never lose faith that Jesus saves from sin, and resist temptation in every way possible.  It seems to me that if everybody were suddenly 'wise' and mature and perfect and perfectly loving the moment they believed, there would be no need for the epistles.  We are ALL in this for the long-haul, and even the temptation you must face is there for a good reason.

I hope this is encouragement: Not all the temptations and tests we face have to do with sins such as those you mentioned--falling back into the "world".  Many are 'temptations' and trials to leave behind what you have learned of Spiritual Truth and lose faith, falling back into carnal religion.  Just as the Lord has saved you from fear of imaginary hell and illusory free-will, He will save you from the rest.  There are plenty in the churches who no longer over-indulge in alcohol or smoke dope or are consumed with sexual lust whose minds are still clouded and whose lives show it.

 

[se7en]

Welcome back Addison! So glad to meet you! I think John is on the right track concerning the similar situation that you and Pierdut are going through. This doesn't go for just you guys but all of us, we all have trials that we go through, but I found a bit of Truth that pertains to your specific trial, I hope it helps...

2Ti 1:7  For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

That is Truth.

Don't believe the lies that self and the anti-christ try to whisper to you. Anything opposite of 2Ti 1:7, you know is of the enemy. If any thought tries to enter your head that you "are less than", "not worth the trouble", "God doesn't care". You immediately start thinking 2Ti 1:7. Say it out loud if you have to. Yes, God causes these trials... but they are there for us to die to self, and for Christ to reign in our hearts and minds.

I learned something interesting recently... We get used to thinking certain thoughts, and in the actual physical brain we create new pathways to these thoughts (Doctor of psychology recently told me this) it's scientifically documented. When you start thinking different thoughts... it is a scientific physical fact that your physical brain begins to create new pathways and connections. Once these new connections and pathways are established, it's easier for the brain to follow those established pathways... we battle not against flesh and blood, but our battle is in the heavenlies, all of those lies that would try and put themselves above Christ...  we cast those anti-christ thoughts down and begin to have the mind of Christ. It's a trial, and a tough one. But I know that you can do all things through Christ who gives you the strength!

Remember, it's not your strength... It's His Word, and His power. It's not even your thought... It's the mind of Christ casting down poopy thoughts and setting itself up as preimenent!

Psa 107:20  He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.

That is what we all need to do... If "you" (it's Christ in you) can get the words and thoughts of Christ to replace the thoughts you spend thinking of yourself and your problems, then God will have "sent His word and healed you".

Our thoughts are stinky, depressing, and loathsome. But His thoughts are good news!

I hope this helps and encourages you guys!

[Deborah-Leigh]

" I feel like I hate my life and that I am willing to leave everything I have to follow Him at this point."

This is the crux of your suffering Addison!

Your life, is NOT YOURS!

You do not have free will either!

I don't want to leave you puzzled by this statement! So, it might be of some comfort for you to know that we are under no illusion that Life and the Will is of God, Sovereignly, perfectly and without default INCLUDES all of US.

 All is out of God!

Arc

[Pierdut]

Thanks guys and gal for the encouraging and thought provoking posts. I believe you are right and some evil spirit has been putting so many negative thoughts in my and Addison's heads. There must be a reason why God opened up our eyes to see, contrasted with so many Christians who may be better persons than I am; I mean in regards to sin - they may be lesser sinners but are blind and deceived insofar as God's Word is concerned. They still believe the unscriptural lies that man has a "free will" and that God will torture most of humanity in literal fire for all eternity; that God never intended for Adam and Eve to sin and fall, and that Jesus is God's "Plan B" after Plan A failed.

Satan has been dining on me alright and having a great feast, but I believe that it will soon come to an end. Your encouraging posts and some things that might soon happen in my life will put an end to his enjoyments.

God had to bring me back here for a reason, and there's virtually no were else (that I know of) where I could have gone for spiritual help. So I thank you for your encouraging posts. May you all be blessed of Him.