Hi Pierdut
I know EXACTLY the feelings you are expressing. They can get worse!
Quite aside how such deep disturbing emotions may arise, they are so wrenching and debilitating! To say otherwise is unbelievable. To skirt around the horrors capable of deranging the human will to live, is stupid as were those friends of Job, except for Elihu, who did not incur God's disdain. I am right there on the truck with you buddy! Right in the ash and black disheartening terror.
What stood out for me, in your well written account of misery, is your statement that you are cursed. THAT stood out as the linch pin of agony, like the thorn in the side of Paul, without the blessed insights that Paul said he received and could not share with us.
I AM, is part of Gods Name, I AM THAT I AM.
To say I am.....whatever.....is to declare a truth!
To profess, I am cursed, is an enormously bold declaration.
Who among us can discredit or change or elieviate the angst brought on in the wake of such belief?
Try as anyone may, we are not of any power to overthrow such belief and conviction that is presented as part of the evidence you express.
You say you are cursed. Okay. You say it so let it be that this is true for you. No contest. No debate. Your statement is received as true for you!
True for YOU is NOT truth!
I Am The Way, The TRUTH and The Life.
You, Pierdut, are in the meeting place of TRUTH.
Do you curse God in your unawareness that part of the name of God is I Am....have I not said you are God's.
Who is the I Am that speaks Pierdut? Find that I Am...who THAT is, and bring your evidence!
PRESENT I AM. Present TRUTH. Not what is true for you that has no opposition. Experience is not Truth. The truth of how you are evaluating misery is also not Truth. I Am The Way, The TRUTH.....
What is true for HUMAN GRIEF is of no value AS TRUTH! In the tribulations and agony is an experience that leads to the revaluation OF TRUTH. This is The Way, into The Kingdom within you and I and every soul on earth. It is the same Way for all.
I have endured great travail and am infinitely grateful for the aftermath of great angst that fear in the mighty hand of God, delivers to EXPELL ignorance and shallow leanings on futile understanding.
All who have prayed, who have contributed to ease agony, who have written in this Thread, do so because it is meant to be, for and to the wisdom of our Creator I Am That I Am, CREATING IN HIS IMAGE THE YOU THAT YOU ARE ABOVE PAIN YET NOT INDIFFERENT TO ANY WHO SUFFER.