I found some good ones:
Guy's cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.
"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."
"What?! You're intoxicated?"
"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk."
"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."
"Well I would but it's in the glovebox where I threw the gun, it's still pretty bloody and I don't want it to fall out until it's dried."
"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."
Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, says
"Sir, please open your trunk."
Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle.
"Please show me your glovebox."
Guy opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.
"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."
Guy blows a .00
"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glovebox and were drunk."
Guy says
"Hah, I bet he said I was speeding, too."
The phone rings in the middle of the night at a doctor's house. He answers and it is his friend, another doctor, that tells him: "We need a 4th player for our cards game". He gets up and puts on his coat. As he is doing that, his wife asks: "Is it something serious?", and he replies: "You can bet on it. There are 3 doctors in there already and they need my help"
A polar bear walks into a shop. He goes up to order and says "Hi, can I get a fish and..." he trails off, waits for a moment, and says "chips." The guy at the counter asks "what's with the big pause?" Polar bear says, "Oh, these? I was born with them."
An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.
The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider asks, "What's taking him so long?" The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.
The ant asks, "Hey man, what's taking you so long?"
The centipede replies, "I'm still putting on my shoes."
How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
A Mexican goes to the US to watch his favourite soccer team and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on to get a bird-eye view of the game. After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was he replies:"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"
Ok, so this guy wants to buy a horse. he goes up to the horse salesman and is like "Ill have this horse." The guy says ok and tells him that saying "God" makes him go and saying "Amen" makes him stop.
He gets on his horse and starts shouting "God God God God" and gets going really fast. Then he sees a cliff up ahead, and realizes he doesn't remember how to stop. He tries everything "Heel, woah, stop, slow down"
Nothing works, so he starts praying, "Please god stop this horse, Amen" and the horse stops right at the edge. Grateful the guy says "Thank God!"
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
"Where's pop corn?"
So Bill, Ted, and Joe die and go to heaven. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, this is heaven. You can do ANYTHING you want; there's only one rule. Don't walk on the grass." Bill, Ted, and Joe are confused, but nod and go about enjoying heaven. One day Bill and Ted are walking along, and they see Joe, and he's walking with this butt ugly, nasty looking girl, who's hanging on his every word. They're like "Joe, Joe, what happened?" Joe morosely tells them, "Man, I walked on the grass." A few days later, Joe and Bill see Ted walking with a really ugly dude. They laugh as he groans "UGH. I walked on the grass." Then, one day Joe and Ted are hanging out, and they see Bill fawning over a completely gorgeous, drop-dead sexy blond. She's amazing, and they quickly ask, "Bill, man, how did you pull that?" The blond turns to them and rolls her eyes. "I walked on the grass!"
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
-I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
-Half the people you know are below average.
-99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
-All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
-The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
-OK, so what's the speed of dark?
-How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
-Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
-Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
-I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Enjoy the best Steven Wright Quotes at BrainyQuote
www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/steven_wright.html
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Topic: Color Coordinated (Read 4295 times)