Really really stinks ya know guys? Oh don't mind me, just publicly venting about my common failures to reign in the beast and all his lustful adventures. Feel free to join in, sympathize, ignore, criticize, whatever you'd like to do. Just let there be no illusions, I am a great sinner and Jesus is a great Saviour. Those are about the only two things I know in this life with absolute certainty.
The worst is when I think of my beautiful fiance, her supportive, smart, caring, loving nature towards me and how not only do I sin against my God but I betray her in secret with my shameful acts. I know, we've had this discussion ad nauseum and i've been here time and time again. I really don't want to have to wait till i'm 60+ or the next life for these hormones to die down or things to change. Its just not fair... and here I thought I was somethīng special, that the Lord would save me differently than the rest of those men before me whom He called and justified. Yea right Alex, why would you get some special treatment in the process, maybe skip a few steps? Hah!
So here is your brother, the hypocrit! Take a good look at him.... all the wisdom and knowledge wont save me. My free will, even if it did exist, would surely only drive me to sin against God infinitely more. So what is a hormonal filled twenty something year old to do? Beg for mercy and pray for the patience to wait on God until the appointed time... And yet I cant get away from my shame and disgrace. Maybe its such a long process, wrestling with the lust of the flesh--that is sexual immorality (masterbation, there I said it)--so that we NEVER forget it, not even in the coming ages.. so we are forever grateful to be free from it. So that humility becomes a very core part of our being... I certainly feel humbled but I guess I'm not quite there yet.
Ladies, girls, mothers, women, i don't mean to neglect you, leave you out of this discussion, or forget you; Nevertheless, I am but a boy and cannot imagine your struggles, though im sure whatever they are ( if God is real and He certainly is), they can feel as a noose around your neck as my own sins are to me. We are naked before God as He shines His light upon us and we transition towards Him. Ever closer we are dragged towards the Fire that is His being and ever more are we made aware of our own weaknesses and great need for Him in everything we do, think, and say. None can hide from Him, there is no secret He cannot find out. There is no cave or rock that will keep His eyes off us. As we grow to hate the beast, as we wrestle and agonize over this moral futility, God makes us a promise. A wonderful promise that one day we will be like Him. In Jesus is all creation vindicated because He affirms its destiny. Truly the last Adam. That day cannot come soon enough. I am tired of failing.
What I offer each one of you is my deepest love and understanding of your struggles, sufferings, and failures because I ain't got a leg to stand on. I am nothing, the lowest of the low, but I love each one of you so very deeply. Nevermind we've never met, I love you and i'm here for you and I mean it.
Sincerely yours In The Saviour i am not worthy to even be a slave of,
Alex