Topic: How to be saved (Read 17053 times)

ML · « **on:** August 14, 2018, 07:33:53 PM »

Here are 7 steps that YOU can do, to make sure that you are saved:

1. Pay your tithes

2. Have as much doctrine as you can

3. Take everything Scripture physical and literal

4. If God didnt give it to you, then you didn't ask hard enough

5. Free will guarantees you anything you want

6. If there's pain, then God hates you

7. Everything starts and ends with you, and God can only be a tool to get your desires

And, you can find all this and more, in my book "Getting God in Your Pocket"

Find me at the nearest Secret Name Society.

Wanda · « **Reply #1 on:** August 14, 2018, 08:00:58 PM »

What about works? 🤔

ML · « **Reply #2 on:** August 14, 2018, 08:09:19 PM »

Quote from: Wanda on August 14, 2018, 08:00:58 PM

What about works? 🤔

Ah yes, sister Wanda. Almost forgot to bring out our favorite Bible!

Phillipians 2:13 Free Choice Version

For it is God who reminds you to will and to work Your Sinners Prayer.

John 24:31 You Choose Version

Not only did you choose me, but your wish is My command

Wanda · « **Reply #3 on:** August 14, 2018, 08:57:07 PM »

Excuse me sir, but I have a couple of questions. Do you mean if I follow all of the steps, I will literally have God in my pocket? If so, am I always required to wear pockets?

These might seem like stupid questions, but I take my salvation extremely serious.

ML · « **Reply #4 on:** August 14, 2018, 09:46:08 PM »

Yes, yes sister. We take your money.... Er, I mean concerns very seriously. Where else will God work, if now from our pockets?

Always remember this verse, dear friend:
1 Corinthians 2:9 FWV
But as it is written: Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither entered into our pants pockets, the blessings that come outeth unto those who tithe us money.

Don't forget the true name of our Savior: Yeshualabadadoodachilidee Halmayeshamadogeedooda. Yes, we found this on a nonexistent manuscript, in a nonexistent language, in a pigs dinner. Unless you speak this language perfectly, you will never fully be blessed from your tithing.

Wanda · « **Reply #5 on:** August 14, 2018, 10:15:20 PM »

Matthew 10:22
"You will be hated by all because of My name,

Oh my word! It's all become so clear to me now. Who wouldn't hate that name?

ML · « **Reply #6 on:** August 14, 2018, 10:23:53 PM »

Acts 9:16
16 For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake.

Exactly! Just try to endure saying His true name and remembering it!

Wanda · « **Reply #7 on:** August 14, 2018, 10:32:02 PM »

After meditating on this, I find I'm deeply troubled to know, God deliberately chose a name he knew would be hated, to insure we would be persecuted.

Do you consider this fair?

ML · « **Reply #8 on:** August 14, 2018, 11:07:22 PM »

Uh oh, your free trial has expired. Before I give you any more information, you have to make your first payment. How shall it be?

Credit, Debit, or cash?

indianabob · « **Reply #9 on:** August 15, 2018, 01:10:39 PM »

ML
How in the world did this ever get past the Moderators....

Couldn't stop laughing.
Indiana robert

yello62 · « **Reply #10 on:** August 15, 2018, 04:13:24 PM »

i see folks got jokes on this forum. THAT will never earn you your salvation...

ML · « **Reply #11 on:** August 15, 2018, 04:30:08 PM »

But your tithing will! Our pockets couldn't get any emptier, so unless you like hell holes, step right up with your money!

And yes, God told me this. In fact, I am actually Yeshualabadadoodachilidee Halmayeshamadogeedooda's long lost twin's brother's sister's uncle's father's dog's cousin! So you can rest assured your money will be put to good use.

yello62 · « **Reply #12 on:** August 15, 2018, 05:06:42 PM »

tell me about the tithes. my “third tithe” year put me into bankruptcy. that should earn me some salvation points.

ML · « **Reply #13 on:** August 15, 2018, 05:44:44 PM »

Well, since I am Yeshualabadadoodachilidee Halmayeshamadogeedooda's long lost twin's brother's sister's uncle's father's dog's cousin, I have the authority to tell of the secret "tenth tithe"

On this tithe, not only do you give us all of your money, but all of your possessions! Surely you would not want to disobey a man of God like me, would you?

If you need food, go feed off of your neighbour cat litter. But, don't eat too much of it. Even cats gotta tithe their furballs to us.

Wanda · « **Reply #14 on:** August 15, 2018, 11:26:07 PM »

Sir, I thought about buying your book, but decided to ask God for a sign, because I had an uneasy feeing about you. This morning I found my bank account has been frozen and I can't access any funds. Praise the Lord!

After reading your comment telling people to eat cat litter, I know you are not a man of God.
I have a few questions. Are you CRAZY? Seriosly, are you CRAZY? What kind of god do you worship, that would expect such a terrible thing of people?

I would also like to say. Anyone considering getting salvation from this mans advice, should know he doesn't own a jet or even a mansion. How can he possibly be inspired by God?

My God says I should love my enemies, so I will pray for you.

ML · « **Reply #15 on:** August 16, 2018, 12:26:47 AM »

You still have a bank, don't you? Our society can personally make a trip asking for your bank. Yes, that's right, the building that your bank uses! That truly is the power of God!

Since I speak on the authority of Yeshualabadadoodachilidee Halmayeshamadogeedooda, you cannot question me! The only thing that YOU should question, is why your pockets are full, and not mine.

Actually, I own an anointed rock! That's right, a rock covered in baby oil, that follows me around. Remember how we are told to take everything physical and literal?

In fact, I will pray for YOU, paleface. In fact, for your apology, I personally need to gather as much cats as I can. Our true Savior will be sitting on fur balls as His throne, so time is ticking!

yello62 · « **Reply #16 on:** August 16, 2018, 06:04:52 AM »

i am afeared of you all...

Wanda · « **Reply #17 on:** August 16, 2018, 02:26:29 PM »

Quote from: yello62 on August 16, 2018, 06:04:52 AM

i am afeared of you all...

I've heard, Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society.

Wanda · « **Reply #18 on:** August 16, 2018, 04:11:10 PM »

Thanks for the religeous satire ML, it was quite fun. However, it reminded me of my own painful experience with the doctrin of lies, and how by the teachings of a simple and humble man, like Ray Smith, I was freed from that sad, painful and fearful place of emotional torture.

I listened to the audio again, Getting Saved - The Hardest Thing You will Ever Do.

https://youtu.be/nyw60TBhQJo

Interestingly, it won't cost one single cent either.
I feel extremely blessed, that God called me to understand his truth, so I don't have to live in ignorance anymore.

indianabob · « **Reply #19 on:** August 16, 2018, 09:35:24 PM »

Ha ha,
My third tithe year we did pretty well with saving for the fall Festival, second tithe...
But then we took a couple of families out for dinner to substitute for widows and orphans.
In all honesty I never was able to look God in the eye during my 30 years in WWCG.
So when I learned of L. Ray Smith I took my whole first tithe and celebrated with my wife and kids.
I'm pretty sure that Headquarters didn't appreciate that...smile

Quote from: yello62 on August 15, 2018, 05:06:42 PM

tell me about the tithes. my “third tithe” year put me into bankruptcy. that should earn me some salvation points.

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Author Topic: How to be saved (Read 17053 times)

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