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Anjel Uriel

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Post to vent
« on: September 16, 2022, 01:01:12 AM »

This are 2 notes I wrote on my phone journal as a way to vent my frustrations and Iím posting it here because I donít have someone to turn to other than you brothers and sisters. Sorry for how long it is but like I said itís 2 notes stamped together. I feel so sappy and stupid with this and Iím probably gonna regret sharing it later but here it goes:

Sometimes I have thought of leaving The Faith. I just fail so much with the same sin over and over again that I feel worthless. I am so unworthy of the 1st resurrection. I have thought of going back into the world, not because thereís anything there I desire, on the contrary, it disgusts me the things that are worshipped there. Neither, because I believe it will make me happy, for I know it will make me grieve, but because I feel I have no place among The Saints of New Jerusalem. Who am I to be called a Son of God, a disciple of The Lord? Iím a cowardly, weak, betraying, insolent child, not even worthy of being called a young man despite my age.

I do the things I hate and then feel condemned because of it. I do them willingly in the moment, if you can even call it that for I feel guilty during the whole process, then I regret it for it feels as if something came over me and destroyed my joy and peace. I hate the beast in my heart so much, I canít even describe it into words. Yet, when the beast knocks, I cave and let it run its evil way. I pray for The Lord to keep it at bay and without fail He does, however, the beast sometimes tempts me all day and night and eventually, I grow wary of praying for strength, then I stop and the beast seizes the opportunity to slay me.

I want to serve and please The Lord sooooo much yet I canít. I know itís not because of my works that He loves me but that doesnít help the fact that it feels horrible when I betray Him. What I would give to never sin, itís not only sin but the fact that itís the same lust over and over again. Itís like a shackle binding me into this body of death and spiritual Egypt where the Pharaoh named The Carnal mind reigns and when he subjects me to him, sin lords it over me and feelings of disgrace flood me.

If the righteous man falls 7 times then I, as a wicked man, fall 70 times. I have thought ďitís hopeless, no matter how much I want to, Iím just not worthy of being a Saint, Iíll be in Judgement, thatís just a factĒ. But, then, it feels as if The Lord whispers in my ear ďDonít give up, I love youĒ and I feel so griped with hopeful remorse that I physically fall on my face and ask Him to forgive me and let me be in The Resurrection to Life.

No matter how much depressed I feel, I feel as if The Father just wonít let me go. I canít bear myself to abandon Christ, the things He does for me are so great and wonderful that I canít let go of Him permanently. Thereís never a time I sin and been able to let go of His Hands, instead, it feels as if He grips mine harder and just wonít let me be consumed by my feelings or let me be lost.

Honestly, I want Jesus to Return right now soooo much but at the same time, Iím scared, Nay, terrified sometimes. I have thought ďI have only known The Truth for a year, I havenít overcome long enough to be a Saint, Iím too flawed, I wonít be in The First ResurrectionĒ.

I feel so unworthy of it, I know I will never feel worthy of it but when I look at other believers, I feel so ďtinyĒ to say. I feel like a child among adults. Most of believers have been in The Faith longer than Iíve been alive, how could I measure up? I havenít been persecuted like godly men and women, other than a few arguments online and with my mother regarding my beliefs, which I never intended to get into nor desired to, unlike others who have been in life and death situations and have remained fast thanks to The Lordís Mercy.

Iím not that wise like others before me, I only have the little wisdom The Lord has given me and I still sin. Obviously, I donít practice sin but when I do, especially with lust, I feel so disgusted with myself and my actions. I absolutely hate and despise the beast in my heart and wish it would just die. I donít hate myself but I do hate my carnal nature.

As weird as this might sound but I really love God, I just want so badly to be His son and please The Lord, our Elder Brother. I want to rule with Christ, be sinless and pure, have a spiritual body and see Him as He is and possibly even see The Father. I want to hear the words ďYou are my son, this day have I begotten youĒ I want to ďfollow The Lamb wherever He goesĒ and finally be told ďcome blessed of My Father, inherit The Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the worldĒ.

I feel I donít qualify and will be one of the ones weeping and grinding my teeth. Not because I never knew The Truth like most in Babylon, but because I knew it and still didnít make it. I know itís not my decision wether I will be in it or not and that I canít work myself in, it was decided and prepared for those who The Father and Son choose before The Creation.

But, Iím just been feeling anxious ever since He seems to be approaching more and more each day.

Iíll just end with this, I donít say it because it will make me sound super spiritual, humble or anything but because itís the God honest truth. I trust God and whatever He does with me will be The Righteous thing and the best plan for me. He tailored my life in a very specific way and my destiny, even if itís The Lake of Fire, has been predestinated because itís the best outcome to glorify Him and accomplish His Will. If itís the LOF, I will want to ask Him why He didnít choose me for the First Resurrection, not to complain but because I honestly would like to know, if He so desires and Iím not intruding on what he chooses to reveal. if Heís willing, I will ask to be judge at that very moment, even if it will crush me and destroy me for the harshness of it, if it means being with Him faster and more quickly, so be it.
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The LORD answered, "Could a mother forget a child who nurses at her breast? Could she fail to love an infant who came from her own body? Even if a mother could forget, I will never forget you. Isaiah 49:15

indianabob

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2022, 01:28:28 AM »

Friend Anjel,
Thank you for sharing.
I will be brief in this note and explain much more later.
1. You are an example of a "normal" new believer.
2. Many of us never get past what you have learned in one year.
3. Like most young people of this last generation, you are impatient to succeed and be recognized for having accomplished something of value. That too is normal.
4. As far as your lusts are concerned...God is NOT going to remove them any time soon. If God did empower you to overcome a little more each month it would go to your head and ruin your journey of faith. It would certainly NOT keep you humble which is one of the attributes of character we all are learning at the pace or rate God determines.
5. IF you at this time in your growth you still believe that you need to be an overcomer then please realize that it will take years and since Christ is returning very soon none of us will make it. That is where grace comes in.
All that believers in overcoming need to do is keep on keeping on, by renewing our faith each day.
Bob
=  =  =

The Law and Sin
Rom 7:7  What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet. 
Rom 7:8  But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead. 
Rom 7:9  For I was alive without the law once: but when the commandment came, sin revived, and I died. 
Rom 7:10  And the commandment, which was ordained to life, I found to be unto death. 
Rom 7:11  For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me. 
Rom 7:12  Wherefore the law is holy, and the commandment holy, and just, and good. 
Rom 7:13  Was then that which is good made death unto me? God forbid. But sin, that it might appear sin, working death in me by that which is good; that sin by the commandment might become exceeding sinful. 
Rom 7:14  For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. 
Rom 7:15  For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. 
Rom 7:16  If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. 
Rom 7:17  Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 
Rom 7:18  For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. 
Rom 7:19  For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 
Rom 7:20  Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 
Rom 7:21  I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. 
Rom 7:22  For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 
Rom 7:23  But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 
Rom 7:24  O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? 
Rom 7:25  I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. 
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Anjel Uriel

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2022, 02:31:13 AM »

Hi Bob, I was just about to delete this post because I felt awkward but I saw your response so I feel as if God doesnít want me to and itís His way of staying my hand. Itís not that I didnít mean what I wrote but I feel uncomfortable when people see my weakness. Not because I want to appear perfect (or at least I donít think about it consciously) nor because I want to be praised (obviously it feels good but it makes me feel I donít deserve it and all I have that is worthy to be praised, I have received it from God). You are right that I do want to accomplish something and be recognized, this I know because when I was around 8 I said ďI want to be remembered after I dieĒ fast forward to now and while I donít think I desire to be showered with vain praise, I would lie if that little kidís sentiment doesnít still exist in me, even if it morphed into wanting to be recognized in The 1st Resurrection. Iím content with being seen as just a normal person but when my weakness is exposed, wether because God compelled me to like this post or because a situation arose, I would liken it as feeling naked and trying to ďfixĒ the situation like deleting this post would be my way of hiding and covering myself. I guess thatís the Adam in me, further confirming that if I were him in the garden, I would have eaten the fruit too and hidden from God to escape my shame.


I have also thought as you do. I actually have referred to my lust as ďmy thorn in the fleshĒ. I have been delivered from so much in such little time that if certain things, mainly lust, weíre removed now, I would surely become prideful and reach Heaven in my own mind and my heart would turn away from God, thinking falsely I ďno longer needed HimĒ. I have cried to Him ďPlease take it away, Iím begging YouĒ and He gives me a break from it where temptation doesnít even arise, until He lets me fall again. I think Heís trying to teach me what He taught Paul, ďMy grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.Ē
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

Also, if I were delivered from everything in the same year, how would I grow? How could I empathized with my brethren? Also, I have to remember (1 Corinthians 10:13) constantly. Iím not passing through something alien to Godís people. Every believer has struggled with sin and thatís why itís called overcoming, if it were easy then it wouldnít be named as such.

I think I get sad because Iím starting to realize Iím a perfectionist. When others fail, I donít mind because I know theyíre normal human beings but I forget to apply that reasoning to myself. When I succeed, I feel good but immediately think ďhow could it have been better?Ē and when I fail, I start to beat myself up and thinking negatively about myself. Iím not saying this is right, itís a toxic behavior that needs correction, but thatís the reality right now.

I believe this might be the way the pride in myself manifests. I havenít fallen in love with myself like others have, but, I do expect too much from myself and need to realize that I canít live getting discouraged when Iím not perfect, Iím not and I never will be while Iím a man made of flesh and bone.

I believe God keeps me weak for what you said about being humble but also to teach me to trust Him. To know that even if I donít see a way out of this, He will in time rescue me. To stop relying on myself and rely on Him. Because, even though I know I can do nothing of myself, I feel I subconsciously believe I can and God is grinding to powder that carnal self reliance which I have been indoctrinated with. What keeps me going is knowing that God will do right and that He loves me more than I love Him or even myself.  Thanks for the comments friend, really appreciate them.



Friend Anjel,
Thank you for sharing.
I will be brief in this note and explain much more later.
1. You are an example of a "normal" new believer.
2. Many of us never get past what you have learned in one year.
3. Like most young people of this last generation, you are impatient to succeed and be recognized for having accomplished something of value. That too is normal.
4. As far as your lusts are concerned...God is NOT going to remove them any time soon. If God did empower you to overcome a little more each month it would go to your head and ruin your journey of faith. It would certainly NOT keep you humble which is one of the attributes of character we all are learning at the pace or rate God determines.
5. IF you at this time in your growth you still believe that you need to be an overcomer then please realize that it will take years and since Christ is returning very soon none of us will make it. That is where grace comes in.
All that believers in overcoming need to do is keep on keeping on, by renewing our faith each day.
Bob
=  =  =

The Law and Sin
Rom 7:7  What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.
Rom 7:8  But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead.
Rom 7:9  For I was alive without the law once: but when the commandment came, sin revived, and I died.
Rom 7:10  And the commandment, which was ordained to life, I found to be unto death.
Rom 7:11  For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me.
Rom 7:12  Wherefore the law is holy, and the commandment holy, and just, and good.
Rom 7:13  Was then that which is good made death unto me? God forbid. But sin, that it might appear sin, working death in me by that which is good; that sin by the commandment might become exceeding sinful.
Rom 7:14  For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
Rom 7:15  For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
Rom 7:16  If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
Rom 7:17  Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
Rom 7:18  For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
Rom 7:19  For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
Rom 7:20  Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
Rom 7:21  I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
Rom 7:22  For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
Rom 7:23  But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
Rom 7:24  O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
Rom 7:25  I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
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The LORD answered, "Could a mother forget a child who nurses at her breast? Could she fail to love an infant who came from her own body? Even if a mother could forget, I will never forget you. Isaiah 49:15

arion

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2022, 07:46:46 PM »

If there was a better way for Godís plan for you to be realized then he would do it that way.  I too struggled with the same issue Iím sure when I was younger and I knew from the scriptures that nothing could separate me from the love of God but I thought there was one caveat to that.  That being that since I knew that sin causes God to hide his face from us I entertained the idea that though neither height, depth or anything else could separate me from the love of God certainly my sin would do so.

It was then a revelation to me that the beast on the throne of my heart thought it was strong enough in itís Ďfree willí to separate me from the love of GodÖ.it is not!. Not even I myself in my manifold failures can derail Godís plan for me.  As long as you still hate and detest your sin, as long as you refuse to make peace with it or excuse it you are on the path God wants you to be on.  The God who has brought us through so much will certainly not abandon us in our hour of need.

Keep on keeping on and again it comes down to faith and holding on to this one simple statement and let it become ingrained in you and a part of you that being;

If there was a better way for God to bring his will to pass in your life then he would do it that way!. It is enough.
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Wendy

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2022, 10:52:53 PM »

Boy I can' relate to the struggles you talk about .it can be very rough sometimes .I love what you wrote Bob makes so much sense and makes it more clear about these struggles.
It does take time to overcome took me years to overcome one of my  struggles just when I thought i had conquered  it id do it  all  over again and fall on my face then the guilt would come and I'd be crying to the Lord for help.it definitely is the Lord who helps you to overcome and only at His time
Praise God for his patients and mercy .I use to let it bother me cause I read other people s emails and they now so much and quote scriptures relating to different things I felt kinda dumb cuz I didn't know as much
Hearing Ray talk about how we're not all good learner's really helped me to stopped judging myself about what I know and don't know.plus reading others emails on here is such a blessing helps a lot
Hang in there anjel it'll get better I know I still have a ways to go some days are better then others .just keep getting up when you fall it's like a child learning to walk keeps falling till he learns that's what I tell myself

I pray the good Lord helps you through this rough time your going through .
Thanks to everyone who gives advice about the struggles
God bless all
Wendy
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Porter

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2022, 12:02:35 AM »

It's an endurance race, not a sprint Ė so run it with patience. The trails and temptations you experience develop the godly character traits (traits like patience) that will be required of you if you are to come up in the first resurrection to minister to the world with Jesus. The pressure you feel is worth more than gold because it is literally forming you into what God want's you to be. If you didn't feel the pressure, then maybe you could be worried.

I don't always overcome my temptations, but I've learned that is ok, as there is no condemnation as long as I continue in the endurance race to win Christ. I've probably endured more failures than you have since learning about Jesus. How I haven't lost hope yet is a true miracle and a testament to God's patience. We're going to need God's patience if we are to help Him save the world.

James says it's one thing to say we have faith, but without works of love, patience, endurance, kindness, forgiveness, pity, hope and self-control, our faith is in vain. Learning how to do these things take time. As long as you continue to do these good things, you are being faithful to Jesus and will never fail. When you stumble, remember these good works started and end with Jesus. They are a considerable part of who Jesus is and how He feels about you, despite your shortcomings, and because He knows what you will be in the future. Otherwise, why did Jesus die for you (and with you), me and the whole world? 

God has started a good work in you, Anjel, and He will finish it. You're not a slave because a slave does not know what his master is doing, but you know what He is doing, don't you? So then, that makes you friends with Jesus. ;)
« Last Edit: September 17, 2022, 12:13:33 AM by Porter »
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Dave in Tenn

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2022, 07:13:34 AM »

Endure to the end, and you will be saved/healed/delivered.  Endure.  Hang in there.  To the end.  All the way to the end.  There is no point short of the end which will cut short your endurance.  There's no exit ramp, only the illusion of a short cut.  You will be saved.  Everyone must endure, everyone will be saved.  Because this is all His work.  All of everything is from, by, and for Him.  Keep the faith, and you already have a foretaste of the first resurrection.

Everything is good in the end.  If it's not good yet, it's not the end yet.
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Heb 10:32  But you must continue to remember those earlier days, how after you were enlightened you endured a hard and painful struggle.

Musterseed

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2022, 10:28:00 AM »

Heb.12:11 For the time being , no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful:
but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Remember the apostles rejoiced to get beaten.

Well to parrot Ray, ď God didnít raise no pansiesĒ

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be one of Godís Elect Anjel, we should want to,
itís the greatest honour imaginable .Pray for indurance and wisdom because sharing
in fellowship with the suffering of Christ is required. He promised to never forsake us.
I believe Him.
What amazing advise given here for you Anjel. You are greatly loved.
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Doug

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2022, 11:36:50 PM »

Anjel for me even thinking about being an elect is a total waste of energy. We know we can not free will ourselves to be or do anything. We have no idea Gods will on this or anything else in our lives. I think you could have all the knowledge and be a good person and not be an elect. You may struggle mightily and be an elect. Just saying we do not know and will never know until we do. We all wind up in the same place in the end so why worry over Gods will. Just get up each day and do the best you can which is plenty if you truly try.
Doug
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ralph

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2022, 10:18:19 PM »

I've been where you are bro, numerous times.  I've known these truths for almost 20 years and I still experience periods of great weakness when I struggle with certain sins from my past.  There are times when I truly despise and sicken myself for the things I have done and continue to do.  But I am not the same person I was 20 years ago.  I can say with great confidence that my heart has changed. I feel remorse, and a strong desire to do the right thing.  It's a process bro.  We die daily.  I don't focus too much on whether or not I am God's elect because we will all eventually receive life.  I look at the many who do not know these truths, those who are lost and deceived and my desire is to use the wisdom I've gained, the things I have experienced, the truth I have been given, to help bring them to the light. I experienced that very thing just a few weeks ago and perhaps I will share that story at some point.   Hang in there Anjel.  God Bless.
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Anjel Uriel

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2022, 10:51:04 PM »

Thanks for all the encouraging words brothers and sisters. I feel much better now and Iím sorry for not being able to respond to each, a hurricane just passed here in Puerto Rico and I have limited access to internet. When things get better Iíll respond to each personally. Also, please pray for the people here that they may be comforted by God.
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The LORD answered, "Could a mother forget a child who nurses at her breast? Could she fail to love an infant who came from her own body? Even if a mother could forget, I will never forget you. Isaiah 49:15

indianabob

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2022, 12:40:57 AM »

Your home will be in our thoughts Anjel,
Was this one supposed to be as bad as the one in 2017?
I understand that most people were out of power for weeks waiting for our government to help.
Bob
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Musterseed

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2022, 10:25:40 AM »

Glad to know you are ok Anjel.
Hurricane Fiona is headed for us here in Atlantic Canada.

May God be with you.
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ralph

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Re: Post to vent
« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2022, 11:42:32 AM »

Thanks for all the encouraging words brothers and sisters. I feel much better now and Iím sorry for not being able to respond to each, a hurricane just passed here in Puerto Rico and I have limited access to internet. When things get better Iíll respond to each personally. Also, please pray for the people here that they may be comforted by God.

That's right bro.  You are in Puerto Rico. Oh man that's terrible.  I heard the entire island has no power.   Glad you are ok. Keep in touch and let us know how you are making out.  God be with you.
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