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Anjel Uriel:
This are 2 notes I wrote on my phone journal as a way to vent my frustrations and I’m posting it here because I don’t have someone to turn to other than you brothers and sisters. Sorry for how long it is but like I said it’s 2 notes stamped together. I feel so sappy and stupid with this and I’m probably gonna regret sharing it later but here it goes:

Sometimes I have thought of leaving The Faith. I just fail so much with the same sin over and over again that I feel worthless. I am so unworthy of the 1st resurrection. I have thought of going back into the world, not because there’s anything there I desire, on the contrary, it disgusts me the things that are worshipped there. Neither, because I believe it will make me happy, for I know it will make me grieve, but because I feel I have no place among The Saints of New Jerusalem. Who am I to be called a Son of God, a disciple of The Lord? I’m a cowardly, weak, betraying, insolent child, not even worthy of being called a young man despite my age.

I do the things I hate and then feel condemned because of it. I do them willingly in the moment, if you can even call it that for I feel guilty during the whole process, then I regret it for it feels as if something came over me and destroyed my joy and peace. I hate the beast in my heart so much, I can’t even describe it into words. Yet, when the beast knocks, I cave and let it run its evil way. I pray for The Lord to keep it at bay and without fail He does, however, the beast sometimes tempts me all day and night and eventually, I grow wary of praying for strength, then I stop and the beast seizes the opportunity to slay me.

I want to serve and please The Lord sooooo much yet I can’t. I know it’s not because of my works that He loves me but that doesn’t help the fact that it feels horrible when I betray Him. What I would give to never sin, it’s not only sin but the fact that it’s the same lust over and over again. It’s like a shackle binding me into this body of death and spiritual Egypt where the Pharaoh named The Carnal mind reigns and when he subjects me to him, sin lords it over me and feelings of disgrace flood me.

If the righteous man falls 7 times then I, as a wicked man, fall 70 times. I have thought “it’s hopeless, no matter how much I want to, I’m just not worthy of being a Saint, I’ll be in Judgement, that’s just a fact”. But, then, it feels as if The Lord whispers in my ear “Don’t give up, I love you” and I feel so griped with hopeful remorse that I physically fall on my face and ask Him to forgive me and let me be in The Resurrection to Life.

No matter how much depressed I feel, I feel as if The Father just won’t let me go. I can’t bear myself to abandon Christ, the things He does for me are so great and wonderful that I can’t let go of Him permanently. There’s never a time I sin and been able to let go of His Hands, instead, it feels as if He grips mine harder and just won’t let me be consumed by my feelings or let me be lost.

Honestly, I want Jesus to Return right now soooo much but at the same time, I’m scared, Nay, terrified sometimes. I have thought “I have only known The Truth for a year, I haven’t overcome long enough to be a Saint, I’m too flawed, I won’t be in The First Resurrection”.

I feel so unworthy of it, I know I will never feel worthy of it but when I look at other believers, I feel so “tiny” to say. I feel like a child among adults. Most of believers have been in The Faith longer than I’ve been alive, how could I measure up? I haven’t been persecuted like godly men and women, other than a few arguments online and with my mother regarding my beliefs, which I never intended to get into nor desired to, unlike others who have been in life and death situations and have remained fast thanks to The Lord’s Mercy.

I’m not that wise like others before me, I only have the little wisdom The Lord has given me and I still sin. Obviously, I don’t practice sin but when I do, especially with lust, I feel so disgusted with myself and my actions. I absolutely hate and despise the beast in my heart and wish it would just die. I don’t hate myself but I do hate my carnal nature.

As weird as this might sound but I really love God, I just want so badly to be His son and please The Lord, our Elder Brother. I want to rule with Christ, be sinless and pure, have a spiritual body and see Him as He is and possibly even see The Father. I want to hear the words “You are my son, this day have I begotten you” I want to “follow The Lamb wherever He goes” and finally be told “come blessed of My Father, inherit The Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world”.

I feel I don’t qualify and will be one of the ones weeping and grinding my teeth. Not because I never knew The Truth like most in Babylon, but because I knew it and still didn’t make it. I know it’s not my decision wether I will be in it or not and that I can’t work myself in, it was decided and prepared for those who The Father and Son choose before The Creation.

But, I’m just been feeling anxious ever since He seems to be approaching more and more each day.

I’ll just end with this, I don’t say it because it will make me sound super spiritual, humble or anything but because it’s the God honest truth. I trust God and whatever He does with me will be The Righteous thing and the best plan for me. He tailored my life in a very specific way and my destiny, even if it’s The Lake of Fire, has been predestinated because it’s the best outcome to glorify Him and accomplish His Will. If it’s the LOF, I will want to ask Him why He didn’t choose me for the First Resurrection, not to complain but because I honestly would like to know, if He so desires and I’m not intruding on what he chooses to reveal. if He’s willing, I will ask to be judge at that very moment, even if it will crush me and destroy me for the harshness of it, if it means being with Him faster and more quickly, so be it.

indianabob:
Friend Anjel,
Thank you for sharing.
I will be brief in this note and explain much more later.
1. You are an example of a "normal" new believer.
2. Many of us never get past what you have learned in one year.
3. Like most young people of this last generation, you are impatient to succeed and be recognized for having accomplished something of value. That too is normal.
4. As far as your lusts are concerned...God is NOT going to remove them any time soon. If God did empower you to overcome a little more each month it would go to your head and ruin your journey of faith. It would certainly NOT keep you humble which is one of the attributes of character we all are learning at the pace or rate God determines.
5. IF you at this time in your growth you still believe that you need to be an overcomer then please realize that it will take years and since Christ is returning very soon none of us will make it. That is where grace comes in.
All that believers in overcoming need to do is keep on keeping on, by renewing our faith each day.
Bob
=  =  =

The Law and Sin
Rom 7:7  What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet. 
Rom 7:8  But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead. 
Rom 7:9  For I was alive without the law once: but when the commandment came, sin revived, and I died. 
Rom 7:10  And the commandment, which was ordained to life, I found to be unto death. 
Rom 7:11  For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me. 
Rom 7:12  Wherefore the law is holy, and the commandment holy, and just, and good. 
Rom 7:13  Was then that which is good made death unto me? God forbid. But sin, that it might appear sin, working death in me by that which is good; that sin by the commandment might become exceeding sinful. 
Rom 7:14  For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. 
Rom 7:15  For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. 
Rom 7:16  If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. 
Rom 7:17  Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 
Rom 7:18  For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. 
Rom 7:19  For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 
Rom 7:20  Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 
Rom 7:21  I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. 
Rom 7:22  For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 
Rom 7:23  But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 
Rom 7:24  O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? 
Rom 7:25  I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. 

Anjel Uriel:
Hi Bob, I was just about to delete this post because I felt awkward but I saw your response so I feel as if God doesn’t want me to and it’s His way of staying my hand. It’s not that I didn’t mean what I wrote but I feel uncomfortable when people see my weakness. Not because I want to appear perfect (or at least I don’t think about it consciously) nor because I want to be praised (obviously it feels good but it makes me feel I don’t deserve it and all I have that is worthy to be praised, I have received it from God). You are right that I do want to accomplish something and be recognized, this I know because when I was around 8 I said “I want to be remembered after I die” fast forward to now and while I don’t think I desire to be showered with vain praise, I would lie if that little kid’s sentiment doesn’t still exist in me, even if it morphed into wanting to be recognized in The 1st Resurrection. I’m content with being seen as just a normal person but when my weakness is exposed, wether because God compelled me to like this post or because a situation arose, I would liken it as feeling naked and trying to “fix” the situation like deleting this post would be my way of hiding and covering myself. I guess that’s the Adam in me, further confirming that if I were him in the garden, I would have eaten the fruit too and hidden from God to escape my shame.


I have also thought as you do. I actually have referred to my lust as “my thorn in the flesh”. I have been delivered from so much in such little time that if certain things, mainly lust, we’re removed now, I would surely become prideful and reach Heaven in my own mind and my heart would turn away from God, thinking falsely I “no longer needed Him”. I have cried to Him “Please take it away, I’m begging You” and He gives me a break from it where temptation doesn’t even arise, until He lets me fall again. I think He’s trying to teach me what He taught Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

Also, if I were delivered from everything in the same year, how would I grow? How could I empathized with my brethren? Also, I have to remember (1 Corinthians 10:13) constantly. I’m not passing through something alien to God’s people. Every believer has struggled with sin and that’s why it’s called overcoming, if it were easy then it wouldn’t be named as such.

I think I get sad because I’m starting to realize I’m a perfectionist. When others fail, I don’t mind because I know they’re normal human beings but I forget to apply that reasoning to myself. When I succeed, I feel good but immediately think “how could it have been better?” and when I fail, I start to beat myself up and thinking negatively about myself. I’m not saying this is right, it’s a toxic behavior that needs correction, but that’s the reality right now.

I believe this might be the way the pride in myself manifests. I haven’t fallen in love with myself like others have, but, I do expect too much from myself and need to realize that I can’t live getting discouraged when I’m not perfect, I’m not and I never will be while I’m a man made of flesh and bone.

I believe God keeps me weak for what you said about being humble but also to teach me to trust Him. To know that even if I don’t see a way out of this, He will in time rescue me. To stop relying on myself and rely on Him. Because, even though I know I can do nothing of myself, I feel I subconsciously believe I can and God is grinding to powder that carnal self reliance which I have been indoctrinated with. What keeps me going is knowing that God will do right and that He loves me more than I love Him or even myself.  Thanks for the comments friend, really appreciate them.




--- Quote from: indianabob on September 16, 2022, 01:28:28 AM ---Friend Anjel,
Thank you for sharing.
I will be brief in this note and explain much more later.
1. You are an example of a "normal" new believer.
2. Many of us never get past what you have learned in one year.
3. Like most young people of this last generation, you are impatient to succeed and be recognized for having accomplished something of value. That too is normal.
4. As far as your lusts are concerned...God is NOT going to remove them any time soon. If God did empower you to overcome a little more each month it would go to your head and ruin your journey of faith. It would certainly NOT keep you humble which is one of the attributes of character we all are learning at the pace or rate God determines.
5. IF you at this time in your growth you still believe that you need to be an overcomer then please realize that it will take years and since Christ is returning very soon none of us will make it. That is where grace comes in.
All that believers in overcoming need to do is keep on keeping on, by renewing our faith each day.
Bob
=  =  =

The Law and Sin
Rom 7:7  What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.
Rom 7:8  But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead.
Rom 7:9  For I was alive without the law once: but when the commandment came, sin revived, and I died.
Rom 7:10  And the commandment, which was ordained to life, I found to be unto death.
Rom 7:11  For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me.
Rom 7:12  Wherefore the law is holy, and the commandment holy, and just, and good.
Rom 7:13  Was then that which is good made death unto me? God forbid. But sin, that it might appear sin, working death in me by that which is good; that sin by the commandment might become exceeding sinful.
Rom 7:14  For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
Rom 7:15  For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
Rom 7:16  If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
Rom 7:17  Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
Rom 7:18  For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
Rom 7:19  For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
Rom 7:20  Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
Rom 7:21  I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
Rom 7:22  For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
Rom 7:23  But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
Rom 7:24  O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
Rom 7:25  I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

--- End quote ---

arion:
If there was a better way for God’s plan for you to be realized then he would do it that way.  I too struggled with the same issue I’m sure when I was younger and I knew from the scriptures that nothing could separate me from the love of God but I thought there was one caveat to that.  That being that since I knew that sin causes God to hide his face from us I entertained the idea that though neither height, depth or anything else could separate me from the love of God certainly my sin would do so.

It was then a revelation to me that the beast on the throne of my heart thought it was strong enough in it’s ‘free will’ to separate me from the love of God….it is not!. Not even I myself in my manifold failures can derail God’s plan for me.  As long as you still hate and detest your sin, as long as you refuse to make peace with it or excuse it you are on the path God wants you to be on.  The God who has brought us through so much will certainly not abandon us in our hour of need.

Keep on keeping on and again it comes down to faith and holding on to this one simple statement and let it become ingrained in you and a part of you that being;

If there was a better way for God to bring his will to pass in your life then he would do it that way!. It is enough.

Wendy:
Boy I can' relate to the struggles you talk about .it can be very rough sometimes .I love what you wrote Bob makes so much sense and makes it more clear about these struggles.
It does take time to overcome took me years to overcome one of my  struggles just when I thought i had conquered  it id do it  all  over again and fall on my face then the guilt would come and I'd be crying to the Lord for help.it definitely is the Lord who helps you to overcome and only at His time
Praise God for his patients and mercy .I use to let it bother me cause I read other people s emails and they now so much and quote scriptures relating to different things I felt kinda dumb cuz I didn't know as much
Hearing Ray talk about how we're not all good learner's really helped me to stopped judging myself about what I know and don't know.plus reading others emails on here is such a blessing helps a lot
Hang in there anjel it'll get better I know I still have a ways to go some days are better then others .just keep getting up when you fall it's like a child learning to walk keeps falling till he learns that's what I tell myself

I pray the good Lord helps you through this rough time your going through .
Thanks to everyone who gives advice about the struggles
God bless all
Wendy

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