This are 2 notes I wrote on my phone journal as a way to vent my frustrations and I’m posting it here because I don’t have someone to turn to other than you brothers and sisters. Sorry for how long it is but like I said it’s 2 notes stamped together. I feel so sappy and stupid with this and I’m probably gonna regret sharing it later but here it goes:
Sometimes I have thought of leaving The Faith. I just fail so much with the same sin over and over again that I feel worthless. I am so unworthy of the 1st resurrection. I have thought of going back into the world, not because there’s anything there I desire, on the contrary, it disgusts me the things that are worshipped there. Neither, because I believe it will make me happy, for I know it will make me grieve, but because I feel I have no place among The Saints of New Jerusalem. Who am I to be called a Son of God, a disciple of The Lord? I’m a cowardly, weak, betraying, insolent child, not even worthy of being called a young man despite my age.
I do the things I hate and then feel condemned because of it. I do them willingly in the moment, if you can even call it that for I feel guilty during the whole process, then I regret it for it feels as if something came over me and destroyed my joy and peace. I hate the beast in my heart so much, I can’t even describe it into words. Yet, when the beast knocks, I cave and let it run its evil way. I pray for The Lord to keep it at bay and without fail He does, however, the beast sometimes tempts me all day and night and eventually, I grow wary of praying for strength, then I stop and the beast seizes the opportunity to slay me.
I want to serve and please The Lord sooooo much yet I can’t. I know it’s not because of my works that He loves me but that doesn’t help the fact that it feels horrible when I betray Him. What I would give to never sin, it’s not only sin but the fact that it’s the same lust over and over again. It’s like a shackle binding me into this body of death and spiritual Egypt where the Pharaoh named The Carnal mind reigns and when he subjects me to him, sin lords it over me and feelings of disgrace flood me.
If the righteous man falls 7 times then I, as a wicked man, fall 70 times. I have thought “it’s hopeless, no matter how much I want to, I’m just not worthy of being a Saint, I’ll be in Judgement, that’s just a fact”. But, then, it feels as if The Lord whispers in my ear “Don’t give up, I love you” and I feel so griped with hopeful remorse that I physically fall on my face and ask Him to forgive me and let me be in The Resurrection to Life.
No matter how much depressed I feel, I feel as if The Father just won’t let me go. I can’t bear myself to abandon Christ, the things He does for me are so great and wonderful that I can’t let go of Him permanently. There’s never a time I sin and been able to let go of His Hands, instead, it feels as if He grips mine harder and just won’t let me be consumed by my feelings or let me be lost.
Honestly, I want Jesus to Return right now soooo much but at the same time, I’m scared, Nay, terrified sometimes. I have thought “I have only known The Truth for a year, I haven’t overcome long enough to be a Saint, I’m too flawed, I won’t be in The First Resurrection”.
I feel so unworthy of it, I know I will never feel worthy of it but when I look at other believers, I feel so “tiny” to say. I feel like a child among adults. Most of believers have been in The Faith longer than I’ve been alive, how could I measure up? I haven’t been persecuted like godly men and women, other than a few arguments online and with my mother regarding my beliefs, which I never intended to get into nor desired to, unlike others who have been in life and death situations and have remained fast thanks to The Lord’s Mercy.
I’m not that wise like others before me, I only have the little wisdom The Lord has given me and I still sin. Obviously, I don’t practice sin but when I do, especially with lust, I feel so disgusted with myself and my actions. I absolutely hate and despise the beast in my heart and wish it would just die. I don’t hate myself but I do hate my carnal nature.
As weird as this might sound but I really love God, I just want so badly to be His son and please The Lord, our Elder Brother. I want to rule with Christ, be sinless and pure, have a spiritual body and see Him as He is and possibly even see The Father. I want to hear the words “You are my son, this day have I begotten you” I want to “follow The Lamb wherever He goes” and finally be told “come blessed of My Father, inherit The Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world”.
I feel I don’t qualify and will be one of the ones weeping and grinding my teeth. Not because I never knew The Truth like most in Babylon, but because I knew it and still didn’t make it. I know it’s not my decision wether I will be in it or not and that I can’t work myself in, it was decided and prepared for those who The Father and Son choose before The Creation.
But, I’m just been feeling anxious ever since He seems to be approaching more and more each day.
I’ll just end with this, I don’t say it because it will make me sound super spiritual, humble or anything but because it’s the God honest truth. I trust God and whatever He does with me will be The Righteous thing and the best plan for me. He tailored my life in a very specific way and my destiny, even if it’s The Lake of Fire, has been predestinated because it’s the best outcome to glorify Him and accomplish His Will. If it’s the LOF, I will want to ask Him why He didn’t choose me for the First Resurrection, not to complain but because I honestly would like to know, if He so desires and I’m not intruding on what he chooses to reveal. if He’s willing, I will ask to be judge at that very moment, even if it will crush me and destroy me for the harshness of it, if it means being with Him faster and more quickly, so be it.