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The beast

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Daddysgirl.2:
Thank you so very much Porter. For "a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver."

Question: Did you always know or feel when your heart was hardened? In retrospect; can you recall the process of falling away or disbelief.
Feel free to move this reply to another board as appropriate please, wouldn't want to be "new" and not follow the rules.

Porter:
I don't think I was ever aware of my heart being in that hardened state when I was still in the Church. I'm also not sure if I've ever fully identified the process of falling away. I think I just took it for granted that I did at one time leave my first love some twenty plus years ago.

Looking back, I can now see the straw that broke the camel's back. It was just one miserable disappointment after another in God for not healing me of my sins despite my desperate cries. To worsen it, all those in the congregation were acting crazy. Casting out demons, falling to the ground, speaking tongues of gibberish, praying out loud, dancing, singing, laughing, eating and drinking all for show. I took part in some of that craziness, but it felt so disingenuous and none of it was helping, so I left.

There I was one day not long after I left the Church, laying in bed without God, without a foundation, contemplating suicide. I asked God why He created me knowing full well in advance that I would not and could not repent. I asked Him why He would send me to hell for something out of my control especially if He knew I would fail. I told Him how unfair that was and if hell is where I'm meant to be because He wouldn't save me, then hell is where I want to go. I resigned myself to eternal torture, I gave up on God at that moment because in my mind, He failed me. It seemed He didn't care. I was so mad at God, I hated Him and let Him know by cursing Him. I didn't want anything more to do with God.
 
 I don't remember much in the years between that falling away event and finding bible-truths.com, but when I did find it, my hope in God was renewed. It hasn't gotten easier, but at least now I have a foundation, and I know God is good and just, no matter what happens.

Dave in Tenn:
You wouldn't have to change too many details to make my story line up with yours.  My church wasn't nearly so "charismatic", but no less carnal.  The rest is pretty much identical.  I thank God for bringing me in.  I thank Him for bringing me out.

Porter:

--- Quote from: Dave in Tenn on April 28, 2024, 12:08:20 PM ---I thank God for bringing me in.  I thank Him for bringing me out.

--- End quote ---
There's a new song if I've ever heard one, Dave. Remember when you asked if something was holy? Yes, it's holy because it's true, it's also honest, and lovely, it's just, it's pure, and it's of a good report with an A+ signed by Jesus. I think of that all the time.

I have a question: Do you or anyone else know if falling from grace and leaving your first love can be more subtle, where it might be a bit more difficult to identify? It's difficult to imagine a fall that great would go unnoticed by the believer. In all fairness, I didn't know until I looked back and all the memories of it came flooding in. In my case, it was relatively easy to see after thinking about if for a few minutes, but has it been harder to pinpoint for anyone else? There's no right or wrong answers, I'm just very curious.

Dave in Tenn:
Porter, I think I can say that in many ways I began "leaving my first love and falling away" not long after I began my
"christian life".  That didn't mean I lost enthusiasm or interest.  If anything, those grew the further I went.  But both the means and the ends of my "walk" was carnal.  That process was maybe "subtle" and not recognized until I "looked back".  Like you said, by the time I had made a more distinct "decision" to walk away, I certainly did not see myself as one of the good guys.  Far from it.  I saw myself (and was) a miserable failure at "christian living".

Though I was becoming increasingly aware of the twisted contradictions inherent in christian doctrine, and of hypocrisies large and small in "the church" the primary motivation in my own mind for walking away was my own failings.  It made sense to me that, if I was to avoid hypocrisy, it would be better if I no longer made any claim to or effort towards "righteousness".  I sucked at it. 

What really was absolutely NOT subtle was the looking back when I came to believe and seeing the Hand of Sovereign God in absolutely all of it.  I think what preceded that revelation--decades of it--was the "building of the house on sand" and the revelation and it's effects was the actual fall, or at least the major completion of the fall.  I had absolutely no idea that the "coming out of her" was a commandment I'd "obeyed" without even knowing it was a commandment.  We are HIS workmanship.  He is the potter, we are the clay.

Did I cover your question? 

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