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[shoani]

i recently have been checking my life and thinking to myself that as much as am an overcomer its one thing am not proud of. my life has been a living hell(though He pulled me through)and it never cease.
(1) I lost my mother to cancer in September,
(2) my marriage is not so all-that
(3) was declared infertile by the expert and am only 30yrs old- why get married when i cant bear fruits of the womb?
everytime i tell some1 this general history of my life i brake down and cry. both my parents are gone and am left with my sisters. am not out for pity and i hate sympathies but i find myself wishing for the end than going through all this hell on earth.
i wonder if this is ever gonna end. i say am an overcome based on the following:
(1)there was a point in my life when i thought i was gonna die but God saw me through and am alive and have no pain in my body without a doctors help but Him alone healed me.
(2) after the doctors told me that i cant have a child, i got a dream that am not gonna die before i have a child as he or she is being prepared in heaven for me- the waiting is killing me and everytime i want to complain that dream come to remind me that God promised and He's gonna fulfil,
(3) i was born from a poor family and the first thing when i finished my school was to find a job and not further my studies and better my sisters life and its only now i realise that am the only person in the family that never furthered her studies and i have helped my sisters to further theirs except myself. i have their respect but i keep beating myself for not furthering mine. God provided me with this job and i appreciate that. He's given me a car and a house and am earning a salary even if am not happy.
i can say so many nice things about God that still re-enforce the strenghth in me when i loose it but i ask myself this: do some of us made to survive in this life and not enjoy it?
i belive that God is alive in my life but sometimes he seem far, as Ray will say in Lazarus's case, if He was around my mother would still be alive today. finally when i saw that my mother's condition is deteriorating(Pancrease and Liver cancer) i went to her bedroom and prayed that God take her soul and to my surprise the following day she died during da night. i hated that, thinking that why does he reply to the prayer of my mother dying than when i prayed for her to be healed? God makes me mad sometimes as much as i have the utmost respect and fear for him. am still not healed from this wound as September is coming and my mothers memories are becoming strong. she passed away on her birthday and as odd as it is but am angry. am i allowed to be that angry guys? non any of my sisters has made peace with that and as an elder am the weakest of them all.

[orion77]

Hello shoani, welcome to the forum.

I can certainly understand where God has you at this point in time.  We all through different but simular circumstances are brought here so we can see, this fleshly life with all its troubles and problems, is not the life God wants for us.

True Life came from above and showed us the Way to peace.  My prayer is that God will give you understanding and hope.  Please take the time to read and study the articles on Rays site.  They will be of great help to you.

God bless,

Gary

[hillsbororiver]

Hello shoani and welcome to the Forum,

As Gary alluded to I also understand where God has you now, I have been there. The pain of losing loved ones started early in life for me and I will tell you I hated God.

As you understand more and more of His purpose for us in this life, that hate melts into awe, faith and love. There is no way anyone can answer all these things you are going through in an e-mail, post or article, but dilligence in seeking His Word will bring you there day by day, in His time.

This article may be a help to you;

http://bible-truths.com/lake3.html

His Peace to you Sister,

Joe

[Kat]

Hi shoani,

So many of us have felt much the same as you do right now,
at some time in our life.

1Pe 4:12  Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  v. 13 But rejoice insomuch as you share Christ's suffering, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed.

Act 14:22  confirming the souls of the disciples, exhorting to continue in the faith, and that through many afflictions we must enter into the kingdom of God.

Things are hard now,
but try to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Joh 16:33  I have spoken these things to you that you may have peace in Me. You have distress in the world; but be encouraged, I have overcome the world.

Although we are to go through extreme hardship, God nonetheless strengthens us,
so that we can endure these things. 
It is not God's purpose to discourage us. 
We have this promise from God.

1Co 10:13  No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

We must pray for strength and courage at time like these.
Take heart, you have a lot of friends here,
who will pray with you.

mercy, peace, and love
Kat

[chuckusa]

Shoani,

Welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place shoani, God is alive here and working on us all through incredible trials and pain.

I wept and wept as I read your words and all the others. It is no small coincidence that this is the first post I read today.

Shoani, we are all weak and powerless without God, no one can understand the plans that he has made for us, and yes he can feel so far away sometimes.
I, and many here know exactly how you feel.

I too am angry at God right now, I am confused and scared, but I know I must trust him now even unto death.

Shoani, you are loved, I know that for a fact, because I love you and will pray for you always.

Your brother in Christ,
Chuck

[MG]

Hi Shoani,

I've lived a very hard life and have learned some things over a long period of time.

I've learned to tell God the truth. When I am angry or afraid or worried or resentful I take it to God. I don't wrestle with God, but wrestle before God. I ask him to put my will in subjection to his will.

sub·ject 
adj.
Being in a position or in circumstances that place one under the power or authority of another or others.

I usually feel unwanted emotions when my will is wrestling against God's will in my life. I know that all things that happen in my life are God's will. If I'm fighting my circumstances I'm fighting God. God uses those circumstances to fulfill his purpose in my life and the lives of others. I've had deep hidden things within me that required very hard circumstances to bring them to light. When I see them I confess them and tell God the truth and put them in front of him and ask him to put them in subjection.

God doesn't show me these things so I will feel guilt or condemnation. He shows me these things so he can purify me from all unrighteousness. It's very hard and even harder to watch those I love go through suffering. My 13 year old grandson had chronic daily migraines for 4 years. He was in bed for 4 years in severe pain. That was hard, but I knew in my heart that God was fulfilling his purpose in my grandson's life. I battled with anger and kept putting it before God. My grandson just started school again this week. Ray said that being saved is the hardest thing any of us will ever go through. I would have to agree with that.

Romans 8:1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.


1 John 1:8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

1 Peter 4:1Forasmuch then as Christ hath suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves likewise with the same mind: for he that hath suffered in the flesh hath ceased from sin;
2That he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh to the lusts of men, but to the will of God.

[gmik]

God bless you Shoani for your honesty with us.

Stay with us and keep reading Ray.

Your best days are yet to come! I just know it!!

I will be praying for you sister.

Love,
Gena

[prarrydog]

    Hi Shoani,

   Welcome to the forum.  I truly feel for you but I am also happy for you.....you are learning the truths of God.  If you are angry at God...tell him.  Let Him have it.  He can take it.  Just remember this is all for your eventual benefit.

With love
Scott

[shoani]

thanx everyone. it meant a lot to read all ur emails. am uplifted somehow.
its just that sometimes, like this morning i felt his presence around me but sometimes he is so far away, and i mean faarrrr away from me. have been listening to a one song in my car and i started giving thanx for everything i have.
and thanx for saying that Bobby that i must start telling him when am mad with him. i was brought up not to disrespect and it kind of felt bad to tell God that he sometimes makes me mad though i still luv and respect him greatly. Guys, i have seen him working in my life before and i know he keeps his promises but  I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND HIS WAYS AT TIMES. My late father never liked church or reading the bible and yet he died peacefully in his sleep without any struggle of being ill but my mother guys, my mother was something out of this world and not only to me but to our neiboughs who even today R still whipping for her. this horrible Cancer had ravaged her and she was yellow all over the body and that thought is messing my mind and leaves me shattered every time cos that is the last memory i have of her.
but guess i have to be strong now cos am a big girl neh.

 PS: and guys, U must have been praying very hard for me cos this morning i left my hubby doing laudry and that was rather unussual coming from him. he is more calmer than he used to and i was surprised by what i saw. am still amazed. as small as that is but who knows that God has already started moving his mind.

once again thanx
shoani

[hart4god]

Dear Shoani,

well, hello!

I can relate to your anguish and despair-my mother also died of pancreatic cancer 20 years ago when I was about your age and it was a horrible and guesome experience for all. My father had been dead 15 years at the time and my mother's death  left me also with a sister to take care of who caused so much trouble with money and such......it threatened our relationship to the core but she was all I had for family and I had to take the abuse or else.

 and in seasons we all feel that out marriages are so-so or even doomed as we stuggle somehow to overcome or even survive. It is all sometime so freakin' much work that I cannot believe that God is in this- but like you, I know He is and in despair I can have some comfort that SOME ONE KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON! 
since most of the time I don't!

I also work at a job that I strongly dislike; I feel that I am helping the partners in this practice feed their greed and neglet the need. But it is surely God that gave me this job and I believe He is working out His plan for my life through this time here. It makes every day extremely hard.

The one thing that really helps is getting some support to stand in the day of adversity- support that you almost always will find on this forum. These people understand that firey trials are working God's purpose and there is love and acceptance instead of judgement for that. What a relief it was for me to find people who do not condemn you when your life is hard- in the past it was always, "Well, what are you doing wrong, and what is your hidden sin, and God is judging you." I know God is judging me (evaluating my character) now out of love and desire to correct and refine. Not punish my mistakes without mercy or good intent.

Having Issues with God is GOOD. I know it can lead you to finding Truth. I am finally figuring out what it means that He is Sovereign. and so I can finally accept that He is Love.
Blessing on you  and your husband as you walk each day.
and people will be praying for you-especially and the anniversary of your mom's death is near- I have those days, too. it is ok to grieve your loss. and hold on to your hopes.
love,
judie

[shoani]

oh Judie, U just touched my heart in a way U wont know. she died of the same cancer and i dispise the desease. i aslo have sisters and one brother and the youngest is giving us hell(adolecent) and i really see that my mother would have been dead even if she did not have this cancer. we cannot let her go further astray but talking to her is futile. my other sisters are so well and understanding but her on the other side is like the lost sheep. those R the things that makes me miss my mother. my mother's anniversary is only one year old, it coincide with the September eleven. she was born on that day and died on that day(Sept11) i somehow think this day means something somewhere.
thanx Judie - U sound like a sister i may have

shoane

[mongoose]

Shoani,
   A belated welcome to the forum.  I wanted to add my voice to those urging you to bring all of this to God, even when you're mad or disappointed.  God doesn't need our prayers...we need our prayers.  When you bring all of your hurt and confusion and anger to Him, you're acknowledging that you can't handle this on your own..that you need Him.  And that is a very good place to start.  In fact, as I've mentioned in some posts quite awhile ago, when God really opened my eyes and started changing me I was in a blind rage at Him.  I was so angry and hurt and confused and was basically yelling at Him.  And all that happened is that He said to me "you're going to be ok."  And suddenly I was calm and things were different...the stuff I was mad about was the same, what was different was me.  It happened in the blink of an eye.  I used to feel that I had to try to hide it from Him when I was angry with Him.  After that experience, I try to be honest with Him and tell Him how I feel..good or bad.  He already knows what you are feeling, what your struggles are.  What most people long for more than anything is someone who truly understands them....what they don't realize is that there is One who truly does know you better than you even know yourself.  And He loves you more than you can ever imagine.

As for feeling the presence of God, well, that comes and goes for all of us I think.  Regardless of how far away He seems, He is forever near.  Every breath you take, every moment of your life is a gift of love from Him.  Every time you have felt love from another person, that was a touch of God's love.  He is the source of all love and comfort. 

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord  Romans 8:38-39

This scripture is so true...nothing, literally nothing, can separate you from God's love.  That includes feeling far away from Him.  I pray you will find some peace in this.

Love to you in Christ,

mongoose

[SandyFla]

(2) after the doctors told me that i cant have a child, i got a dream that am not gonna die before i have a child as he or she is being prepared in heaven for me- the waiting is killing me and everytime i want to complain that dream come to remind me that God promised and He's gonna fulfil,

I can sympathize with your pain. The doctor told me I could have children, but when I tried, I couldn't. Another doctor then told me that if I DID get pregnant, I probably would not carry the child to term. I have reason to believe I had a miscarriage, and Mother's Day has always been very hard for me. My sister has 2 beautiful boys and she wants nothing to do with God. Why did He bless her and refuse me? I fought God long and hard about that one, and have decided that someday I will understand ... and even now I am beginning to.

However, not to completely discourage you ... my aunt was told she would never have children, and she has 3! So doctors don't know everything. If God wants you to have a child, He will give him/her to you in His own time. 

God makes me mad sometimes as much as i have the utmost respect and fear for him. am still not healed from this wound as September is coming and my mothers memories are becoming strong. she passed away on her birthday and as odd as it is but am angry. am i allowed to be that angry guys? non any of my sisters has made peace with that and as an elder am the weakest of them all.

Yes, it's OK to be angry with God. He can handle it.   

When I was a young child, my mom didn't let me have everything I wanted. I didn't understand why she said no, but it was for my own good. I would get mad at her, but she still loved me, and I knew it. She would tell me, "Someday you will understand why I said no. I know you're mad right now, but that's OK. I love you. You can spit in my face, and I will still love you."

That's how God is. Nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:39). God knows you don't understand and are hurting; that's where the anger comes from. He knows us better than we know ourselves. So feel free to pour out your heart to Him in complete honesty; you won't shock Him. When you are finished, just let Him hold you ...

Feel free to IM me if you need to talk.

Hugs,
Sandy