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Author Topic: Church Bulletin  (Read 5459 times)

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hillsbororiver

  • Guest
Church Bulletin
« on: October 24, 2006, 09:52:57 AM »

Some of these have been around for a while, they still give me a laugh though,


SENTENCES WHICH ACTUALLY APPEARED IN A CHURCH BULLETIN:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join her.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.




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JJ

  • Guest
Re: Church Bulletin
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2006, 12:52:54 PM »

Joe,   Thanks for the laugh!  I needed that!   Aren't we a funny people?  Mix religion/falsehoods and superstitions
into our foolish nature and we become hilarious creatures at times--  tragic at other times.    JJ

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gmik

  • Guest
Re: Church Bulletin
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2006, 02:49:49 PM »

I just finished the poetry thread which is so good by the way. :)

But it was good to laugh at these.

 ;D
gena
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SandyFla

  • Guest
Re: Church Bulletin
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2006, 05:05:59 PM »

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Now, THAT I'd like to see!  :D

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
I had a puppy who did that ... on the paper, that is. ;)
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hillsbororiver

  • Guest
Re: Church Bulletin
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2006, 07:07:09 PM »

Here are a few more;

Church Bulletin
 
 
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
 
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
 
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
 
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
 
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
 
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
 
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
 
Next Sunday Mrs. Turley will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
 
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
 
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
 
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
 
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
 
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
 
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
 
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please don't think I am going out of my way to make fun of any churches, these are supposedly real Bloopers and they do happen to be humorous, it (like JJ stated) has more to do with how funny (often unintentionally) we can be.

Hope you get a laugh or two,

Joe

 
« Last Edit: October 24, 2006, 07:08:16 PM by hillsbororiver »
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iris

  • Guest
Re: Church Bulletin
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2006, 10:06:38 PM »

Thanks for the Bloopers. They were humorous and good for a laugh. Laughing always lightens things up a bit, especially if you have had a bad day. Today is my 17th day of being smoke free. Without the Heavenly Father's help I couldn't have made it this long. I have smoked for 45 years and it feels like a part of me is missing.
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hillsbororiver

  • Guest
Re: Church Bulletin
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2006, 10:26:30 PM »

I am happy this post gave a few laughs, it does the heart good.

Iris, I will pray for you, may He grant you strength and peace.

Joe
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buddyjc

  • Guest
Re: Church Bulletin
« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2006, 04:23:06 AM »

Thanks for the Bloopers. They were humorous and good for a laugh. Laughing always lightens things up a bit, especially if you have had a bad day. Today is my 17th day of being smoke free. Without the Heavenly Father's help I couldn't have made it this long. I have smoked for 45 years and it feels like a part of me is missing.

17 days?!  That's great Iris!  I'd be lucky to get past 2, let alone 17.  Keep it up, and I'll say a prayer for you too.

Brian
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iris

  • Guest
Re: Church Bulletin
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2006, 10:52:02 PM »

Thanks Joe and Brian for the prayers.

I've been chewing nicotine gum as I need it to help with the cravings,

and using a lot of peppermint and cinnamon candy disks to keep my mouth from drying out.

Iris
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gmik

  • Guest
Re: Church Bulletin
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2006, 03:59:39 PM »

Iris, I will be praying for you.  I quit a few years ago, so I know how difficult it can be.  But the other week in the hospital I was so proud when everyone was always filling out some form and would ask "do you smoke?" and I could say "NO"!

Now, it just downright scares me to know others that smoke cuz now I see how dangerous it can be.  Course I knew that when I smoked.

I will be praying for your absolute success!

gena
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