Well Chris, .......... not to bring you further down or anything, but life can only
get more difficult from here on out, in my experience. Your words
mirrored my own feelings for years. I am a perfectionist or a recovering
perfectionist maybe. Still go round and round that
internal struggle at times:
looking in the mirror and feeling digusted (and others say I am nice looking)
longing to 'have it ALL together' and on and on w/ the perfectionist syndrome--
never feeling that I am good enough or worked hard enough or nice enough--
BUT when I think these things, I now KNOW what God has taught me:
little ol' me has nothing- no faith, no ability to seek God, no good works, nothing
but filthy, selfish, comfort-seeking flesh-- anything good I have is from Him--
God has given me any desire for Himself that I may have,
any wisdom, any faith and ONLY the work that He does through and in me is of any
value. I can NOT make myself good or make myself change, but He can motivate
me w/ the fire of refinement and I can volunteer to follow and choose to turn away
from sin--- because of His work in me and that isn't a fluffly, sweet grace..... it hurts!
I am truly lacking-- a sinner -- a beast actually-- soooo selfish and THAT disgusts me
and that is the major reason I can't believe any of the nice things people say to me,
cuz I KNOW the real me! Knowing how really selfish I am, makes me submit
(w/o grudge) to God's chastening. I NEED this chastening to make me suffer enough
to teach me patience and longsuffering and sacraficial love and to teach me over and
over again the same lessons- (failing, realization, remorse, repentence) to SEE that
GOD is ALL and EVERYTHING and I am NOTHING(nothing but a selfish beast) without Him.
It may take a lifetime to teach me to take the focus OFF myself and I am a person that
others see as a total servant to others, but we as flesh naturally lean toward the comfort
and pleasure of our OWN flesh and I see that in me ( and every human) and see that God's purpose for me
on this earth is to burn/refine these selfish/carnal/fleshly characteristics out of me to
make me into a vessel that brings honor (focus) and glory (praise) to Him alone (not me).
That is why I say that it will only get harder from this point. The refining process is a living
hell..... relentless, wearisome, bam! bam! bam!-- "give me a break!" "please! help me endure!"
It takes you to the VERY end of yourself- to the point that you really believe you will die, even
are dying~ for some of us, even wishing you would just die and get relief at times, hating the
pain and hating living w/ yourself day after day, hate living the life of struggling to survive
and cope.......
the only comfort is KNOWING that God is in TOTAL control and having been convinced that
there is no greater honor than being a filthy lump of clay in the hands of the Almighty Father
of Creation-- hoping to someday be a completed work- a vessel of honor TO Him-- in faith
knowing this WILL happen-- because He promises to do this and always completes His
work.......... that is the hope, the comfort, the desire that allows me to endure myself and
my life........ to endure the stripping of the flesh.
The depression that once made me numb and often made me want to give up and die
when I wasn't numb enough to not feel the pain, that depression visits me less often now.
I am always on the edge because life is ALMOST impossible, but there is a deep joy in
understanding God's purpose for us on earth. That joy keeps me balanced and protects
me from succombing to total depression..... accept when i get real selfish and just want
my own comfort and want to stop short of finishing...... then another BAM! and the cycle
continues (like spinning on the Potter's wheel) and another lesson to learn.... on and on.
Maybe none of that is familiar to you, but that is my experience. Please keep reading
Ray's material and let God speak to you, as to whether it is true and scriptural and
I pray it will help you as it has helped me.
jj
Author
Topic: Spiritual Help (Read 7840 times)