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Author Topic: real life  (Read 6897 times)

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rick

  • Guest
real life
« on: February 27, 2007, 11:04:08 PM »

How long should a person allow grown children to live in their home rent free?????how about step-children,should it matter????
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YellowStone

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2007, 11:56:04 PM »

Rick,

Only you can know the answer to this. :) I personlly believe that children should leave the house by the time they are twenty; although this does not mean that they are never welcome back, just that they should be thinking (wanting) to move out by then. :)

I know of people who are still living with their parents or parent in their 30's, but every situation is different and must be weighed on its own merit. Who can know whether a child is capable of living by themselves or for that matter, a parent?

Most kids don't want to come back after going to college. I never went, but I was ready to go !

Hope that helps,

Your brother in Christ.
Darren
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Jackie Lee

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2007, 03:02:35 AM »


I wouldn't think there is a set rule, but if someones grown child is living with them I would make rules to follow.
If they didn't go by my rules I would tell them it wasn't working and ask them to leave.
Then if the grown child was respectful and pulling his weight, I would let them stay if it wasn't to inconvenient.
I would think it would be fair to ask them to pay some rent they will have to sooner or later.
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iris

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2007, 10:43:49 AM »

I think it depends on the child and the parents. I didn't have a problem with it because all of my children were out of the house before the age of twenty. One came back for a brief period of
time when he was in his early twenties ( because of a divorce), but as soon as he found an apartment and got it all set up, he moved into his apartment.

Iris
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carol v

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2007, 01:32:59 PM »

I would agree with all the posts that each situation and each child is different. If the child is just being lazy that's one thing but if the child is working hard and just needs some time to get on their own two feet, that's another.

I wanted to add that differentiating between a child and a stepchild is probably an area you DON'T want to go into. That's a whole new can of worms that you probably don't want to open.

carol
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YellowStone

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2007, 01:49:58 PM »

Hi Rick,

I forgot to mention that I do not have any children of my own, rather my son (whom I don't refer to as step) is my wife's from a previous marriage. I believe that love is thicker and stronger than blood.

So in this instance, there is one set of rules for all :)

I hope you are finding answers that work for you. :)

Your brother in Christ,
Darren
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PKnowler

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2007, 02:05:54 PM »

Hi Rick,

   You've gotten a lot of good answers to your question. I would like to put in my 2c worth. I would not differentiate between your step children or natural children for one. Your step children need your impartial love too. Should we only love our own natural children? I'm so glad my husband shows no partiality between our children together and my children from a previous marriage. ( I believe such partiality would be emotionally harmful to them. Their father is deceased.)

I think the goal is to get our children to stand on their own two feet. So I would move toward helping them do that. If there is a reason for your grown children to be living home, like them going to college or something that is going to help them in their future then I would encourage them to stay home so they can have a better future. But if they were just loafing, then that is not good, and you are just contributing to the problem by letting them stay there without paying rent.

In any case I would require that they do something to contribute to the family and the home if they can't or don't pay rent.

Blessings to you!
~Paula

« Last Edit: February 28, 2007, 02:06:30 PM by PKnowler »
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jennie

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2007, 02:24:40 PM »

Our daughter moved back home after she graduated from college. She was here about a year and a half before she got married. We operated under "house courtesy" rules. If you get it out....put it back, take part in the cleaning, do your own laundry, , etc.  She was accustomed to going out with friends often and they always went to Atlanta which is , I guess, the biggest city I know of in Georgia. They would go out at 11:00p.m. and maybe not come in till 4-5 a.m. Around here they roll up the sidewalks at dark so there are no clubs and all here. That was a little hard for her to re-adjust to. Our only rule involving going out was to let us know round about where she was going and to tell us that she wouldn't be in till the wee hours. Lock up behind yourself and be quiet coming in because we were of course already in bed. Forgot to say, she still went to "the ATL" after she moved home. It worked out pretty good. I think it was just as hard for us to adjust to her moving back home because we had spent the 4 years just enjoying the schedule we had together.

Like smeone said earlier, it depends on the circumstances and the intentions.
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josh

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2007, 02:45:46 PM »

Rick.

I'm not a parent, (thank God!) but I am a 23 yr. old and I do still live with my parents, so maybe I can give you some insight from the "child's" point of view.

I lived with my parents all throughout highschool... after graduation I decided that I wanted to attend a University either in Birmingham, AL or Lakeland, FL... as I was making this decision my parents actually approached me with the idea of living at home for two more years and attending a junior college here in town in order to save money (tuition, living expenses, etc.) and also to get "grounded" before I moved off "on my own"...

After I graduated with my associates degree,I was 19 at the time, I still felt confident that I wanted to attend a University away from home... I spent the next two years 500 miles away from home, my parents, and my friends... but I was ready. I watched as a good majority of the new students who were "on their own" directly out of high school could not handle their new found freedom and soon dropped out or flunked out...

I was thankful that my parents took the time, even after I graduated high school, to model the lifestyle of a responsible adult.

After I graduated with my four year, I moved back closer to home... about an hour and a half away, and begun to work as a youth minister in a small school district. This is where I see God's sense of humor in His sense of timing... because when I became the most involved in the church I had ever been this is also right around the time I began to question the motives and teachings of the church.

I was there for about 6 months before I resigned. I just couldn't teach/model something that I didn't believe to be total truth. About 5 months after my 22nd birthday I found myself back at mom and dad's place... living in my old room, trying to figure out what in the world I was suppose to do now?

From the parent's standpoint, I imagine it is difficult to determine how long a child should stay living at home, but let me assure you... I, as the child, was more then a little embarrassed that I had ended up back at home. I felt like a 22 yr. old living at home after receiving a 4yr. degree was a sign of failure or lack of initiative...

I took the next six months to work and save. I enrolled in a Master's program at a local University and began to search for and apply to other Universities that I was interested in doing master's work at... shortly after I found an awesome job that I was totally unqualified for, yet for some reason God saw fit to place me in...

Last week, I just received my acceptance letter to a great school in TN and am now, even this morning makign arrangement to move "out on my own" again.

I say all this not to simply bore you with my personal story, but to show you that their are a mutiplicity of reasons that a child may still live at home that are all determined by thousands, if not millions, of different factors. Some are good, some are reasonable, some are bad... my advice to you is to sit down with your child (whether step or not) and talk with them about their goals for the next 3-5 years. Then talk with them (even if you don't know alot) about how they can reach those goals...

The situation that children are in now is crazy! Children are reaching sexual maturity at an extremely rapid rate and at the same time, adolescence is being stretched out because of the cost of living is far above what most 20 yr. old's can dream to make.

Within your realm of capabilities offer to help your children set and meet their goals... that may mean them living at your place for another few years... but as long as they are willing to abide by your rules and pull their weight (maybe even rent?) is that a problem?

Just a couple of thoughts, but what do I know... I'm just a 23 yr. old kid, right? =)

Hope this helps.

Grace and Peace.
Josh



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PKnowler

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2007, 05:06:50 PM »

Josh,

   You seem like a pretty smart 23 yr. old kid!  ;)

Bless you!
~Paula
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iris

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2007, 05:37:00 PM »

Josh,

That was a great post!
Its so wonderful that you and your parents
can set down and talk things out.
They sound like very loving people.


Iris
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rick

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2007, 06:55:22 PM »

thank you all for your wonderful thoughts on this subject. i am really struggling with this because i do not see any efforts for either of "the boys" to be on their own. one is 21 and the other is 24. i think they view this as a free ride and i am footing the bill. i do not want to be mean and many times i feel guilty about what i may do. so in reality, i just tolerate things and do nothing.
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sansmile

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Re: real life
« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2007, 07:33:00 PM »

Well,
Thought i would put my views on this, firstly,because i have had three daughters (all left home now), and because i work with teenagers. When my girls lived at home, the moment they started earning they had to contribute money from their wages. Depending on what each earned it was a percentage. We took this money, but truthfully it was spent again on them many times (without them realising this). The whole point of this ,was to teach them that as an adult  nothing comes free, that they needed to pay their way in the adult world. At the time this helped them learn to budget their money. To plan what had to be paid and what took priority, such as rent, food , bills etc. I thank God He kept me strong in making them pay "rent" because it prepared them for their future, . They all now live in their own homes and manage well. If we do not teach our children (stepchildren or natural should be treated equally) how will they learn. God does the same with us. Just look back, us older ones (lol) learnt from example and sparing the rod ruins the child. The rod is not just a cane for corporal punishment but used to guide the blind in their way to go.

God Bless  Sandie x
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Walk in the Spirit

gmik

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #13 on: February 28, 2007, 09:00:56 PM »

Rick, that is a can of worms in my house.  My hubby thinks I have babied our kids and made it so good for them that why should they want to move.

Josh, thanks for the "kid" perspective.  right now our son, 26, has been home for over a year.  He has been in junior college and will be off to University of Michigan( ;D) in Spring.  He has not paid us rent and doesn't do much to help out-just what we ask.  He was a Marine for 8 years and it was while he was in Uganda that he found Ray's site.  He is our "baby" and I like him being around.

Our other 2 both spent a couple of years back w/ us after college (Lee Univ. in Cleveland, Tn)
I nver made them pay rent either.  I even did their laundry!  They are wonderful kids and are wonderful adults.  I don't regret their time at home.

Now, my husband has always thought they should pay rent, have chores, etc.  But w/o good jobs, and paying off college loans, I just never could threaten it.  So he and I would argue over it and they were oblivious!!

Everybody is different.  I don't think there is one right or one wrong answer to it.  In my mind I kind of thought that 30 would be where i drew the line....
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rick

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #14 on: February 28, 2007, 09:28:03 PM »

i wonder if i would feel differently if they were my own children. but my 3 girls are on their own and i dont see them coming back except in dire circumstances. i want to do what is right but i am not sure whether it is better for the grown children to be forced to make their own way or just let them ride and hope for the best. i dont allow any drugs or alcohol in my home but who knows what they spend their money on when they are out on the weekends. sometimes it is hard being the one who has to make these decisions because i never know what may become of it. this is probably trivial to some but a fiery trial for me................
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YellowStone

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #15 on: February 28, 2007, 09:44:34 PM »

Rick,

I notice that you said that you might feel different if "they" were your own. Is the feeling that they are not yours, something from inside you, or is it that "they" do not consider you, "their" dad?

If it is the latter, then I can truly see your frustration. Because certainly, there is a difference. I really think that you should sit down with them and lay your cards on the table; it could be that they have no real idea what your real wishes are. At worst, not talking about could lead to resentment, which could lead to bridges being burned that may never be rebuilt.

God has certainly given you an extended family for a reason :) I say, let them know how you feel.

I think I read someone else recommending this too. :)

Lots of llove,
Darren
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PKnowler

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #16 on: February 28, 2007, 10:20:02 PM »

Rick

I second what Darren said. I think that is good advice! Sometimes if we don't deal with something then it will just fester and could blow resulting in broken relationships.

BTW, I'm glad you put your picture up Darren. It's nice to see you!

~Paula  :)
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rick

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #17 on: February 28, 2007, 10:30:00 PM »

no, they do not consider me their dad. just the guy that their mom is married to. and their mom does every thing for them like they were 10 years old. it drives me crazy
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jennie

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #18 on: March 01, 2007, 12:38:14 PM »

Rick, You sound like a great step-father. I had one too but it wasn't that way. He ouldn't let my Momma give me and my brother any food even though she cooked supper every night. Before I got my work permit at 14, I baby sat for people, and picked up grocery bags of pine cones. Rich folks would pay you 10 cents a grocery bag for them. I gave the money I earned back then to my Momma to help her out and to make sure my brther would have blue jeans and all to wear. After I got my work permit I worked at a plant after school, stayed on the honor roll and used some of the paycheck to hide a little food in my closet for me and my brother and to give him lunch money for school. I don't say all that for your pity but to Let you know that some step-children have really bad , step-parents.(Ours was an alcoholic-2 quarts of vodka every 3 days, abusive physically and other ways) You seem the complete opposite and I think your children whether they are by birth or marriage, are very blessed to have you. Jennie
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gmik

  • Guest
Re: real life
« Reply #19 on: March 01, 2007, 04:28:39 PM »

no, they do not consider me their dad. just the guy that their mom is married to. and their mom does every thing for them like they were 10 years old. it drives me crazy

"It drives me crazy"   Too funny.

Sounds like my husband and he IS their father!
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