In Pursuit of the Truth - Part I - Introduction 0-5 years

[rrammfcitktturjsp]

To All,

  As Joe as shared his journey to BT, I thought that I would take up the proverbial pen and share mine with you.  As there are many things that are very personal and some names need to be protected names followed by an asterisk are changed names.  This is being shared for several reasons.  1.  I need to share it becuase well, it is time and the Spirit is leading me to do this, 2.  Well I would like to get this in written form for my son and future children, and 3.  I need to see how far I have come.  So without further adiu, I will begin.

  It all started on January 2, 1980 in Davao City in the Phillipines.  I was born to a mother who was about 18 years old if I remember the family documents well.  I had an older brother who was in the family, but I understand that after he died of starvation, I was given up for adoption.  The family papers stated that my birth mother had left me several times as a newborn infant and would have nothing to do with me.  To this day, I wonder if that is why I have some issues with abondonment, but I guess I will never know.  At 3 monthes I only weighed about 7-8 lbs.  I do remember reading the documents and them saying that all that my birth father could afford to feed me was rice water.  I too would have died, had I not been adopted.

At 3 monthes I was given to a family who were overseas in the Phillipines on active duty, their names were McTavishes* or hereafter referred to MT's*.  In the time that transpired they also got another little boy from the Phillipines named Adam*.  At age of two, I was brought from the Phillipines over to America to, you guessed it, Lubbock Texas.  Now I have to wonder looking back on this, why on earth Lubbock Texas?  Well it makes sense now, but it is amazing how far one could go and how far God would go.

  From Age 2 to Age 5 is what this topic will refer too.

  In time I have learned that the McTavishes's were Catholics even though they did not attend any Church of Mass. 

  I remember the first time that I lost trust in anyone.  I was about four years old and I remember being at my grandparent's house eating a picnic in the backyard.  I remember that Grandmother and Adam went into the house.  Well after they went in, I remember hearing Adam scream, now I loved my little brother and would often protect him, and when I heard him scream, I took off running into the house.  My adoptive parents tried to stop me, but could not hold me back when I burst into my Grandma's room and there on the floor I saw her having relations with my younger brother Adam.  I will never forget the look he gave me, in asking how could you let this happen to me?  I remember looking to my mother and father and asking them to do something, but all they did was to hold me back.  That is a sight that I will never forget and I will carry the scars with me the rest of my life.  At that moment I lost trust in everyone including myself.  Because of this incident, my life would be haunted and a life that would be lived in bitterness and pain.  Becuase of this incident, it would nearly take my life, but then again I am getting ahead of myself.

  At about 3-4 years of age, I remember one Christmas listening to the Little Drummer Boy.  I remarked I liked that song, when asked what song, I am told that I went to the piano and played it error free by ear.  I was immdediately started in lessons.  Music had entered my world and would become my solace.

  Sometime around this neighboorhood, my adoptive father started to drink real heavily.  My adoptive mother began to do drugs.  I remember many nights of fights happening in my parents room, and hearing ashtrays and things break and hit the wall.  I also remembered hearing my mother scream and cry at my father and vice versa.  In time, the abuse turned to us kids.  By this time, they had 2 children of their own, Tabitha* and Janice*.  Many times we would be hit, screamed at, and the most ungodly things happened to us.

  I remember when I bit my younger brother Adam one time, they smeared hot sauce on my arm and told me to bite myself.  I remember several times the kids crying and our parents coming into our room beating us senseless.

  I remember many things, and cannot recall words, I only can recall feelings of extreme terror and fear.  I do not remember love in that household.

  In time, I have learned that several times from the age of 3, my parents took me to a psychiatrist several times.  IN that time there was hint of sexual and physical abuse.  In time, Adam and I were taken from our home and put into a hosptial or a residential place where we could be evaulatued and taken from that home.  This happened at age 5.    Since then, I have called the psychologist who did the evauluation and thanked him for doing this.  He has wondered what has happened to me, and was glad to hear that I have made it okay and he is still in Lubbock.  I am thankful that the man acted on instinct and got us out of that family.  To this day, I am not sure where my first adoptive parents are, but I really do not care. Adam is still in my life today and we talk somewhat frequently when he can find the time to.  We are still close.

  By the time that I reached the facility that we were placed in, I was an angry, bitter, and an out of control kid.

  The next post, will deal with the next 2 years of my life, as more stuff would be added that would eventually lead me to the place where I was.

  I will post more as I find the time to post.  I am not sure how long this will go, but if at any time you think it needs to be brought to an end, I will do so.  I will apologize ahead of time, becuase I get to writing and before I know it, there's  a long post.  So that is why I am breaking things up.

  I promise it will get better.  Yet, it gets much worse before it takes a turn for the better.  Yet, if I had a choice to do it all over again, I would, becuase all these things have helped me become who I am and have led me to the Truth.  God knows what he is doing, and I can see his hand in all of my life.

  Sincerely,




  Anne C. McGuire


  NOTE:  Becuase of the physical and sexual abuse and that many of these names represent persons still living, names have been changed.  It is not my intent to press charges, as I have finally let go of this phase of my life.  I am praying for these people to come around if it is God's will, I know they will someday, and that is what makes it bearable.

  ACM

[PKnowler]

Oh Anne,

     It is so sad that your little baby brother died of starvation and you were near starvation yourself. I'm glad you were adopted but it is so sad that you and your little brother were abused. It is incomprehensible what happened to your little brother and the scar that you would have so young seeing such a thing! I feel nauseous. I don't understand why God allows such things but I know that He must have used it somehow to develop who you are and thank God you are not hardened by it. He has had a work in you! You are such a sweet, kind, thoughtful, compassionate person.

I will look for part 2. It is nice to get to know more about you Anne.

[gmik]

Oh sweet Anne!!!!

I would never have thought any of that from getting to know you thru your posts!!  God has indeed done a marvelous work in you.

It constantly amazes me how many of you had to go thru such terrible childhoods, and yet here you are, all praising God.

Much love to you Anne.

[rrammfcitktturjsp]

Paula,

  For a long time I have struggled with the fact that my older birth brother died as I was a child.  I have often wondered what he would have done, had he got the lovely blessings that I did and would he have used them better than what I am doing.  I am sure that had part to do with my anoreixa that I struggled with and still do.  More of that later.  Thanks for your reply.

Gena,

  Many would never guess what I have been through.  I have indeed learned to overcome.  THere's a Scripture that means so much to me it is in Romans I think where it talks that we are more than conquerors or seomthing like that.  I shall have to look it up.  I am glad that there were others who had a hard road to the Truth, seems to me that is the only way or road to Truth.  Truth does not come easily nor without any effort.  I am glad that we have all struggled and we are NOT alone.  Thanks for your reply.

  Sincerely,




  Anne C. McGuire

[LittleBear]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for sharing. I too don't know why these things happen to little ones. As I was reading, I was thinking, What kind of people are these? What kind of individuals would adopt children and then abuse them? It really makes me mad! You have such a good attitude and it's lovely to see.

I'm glad you got out of that household, and God has His purpose in all this. I think God uses all these experiences to make us and shape us into who He wants us to be.

God bless you,

Ursula

[rrammfcitktturjsp]

Ursula,

  I agree with you there.  It took a long time to have a great attitude about many things that have happened in my life.  I am not sure where I am on the learning curve.

  I guess it is time for another narrative coming.

  Sincerely,




  Anne C. McGuire

 

[hillsbororiver]

Anne,

Just an incredible series of events, I am always moved by the testimony of the brethren, the things that have transpired in the lives of those who love Him.

We are presently creatures of time, the years, months, weeks, days, even minutes of this sometimes painful existence can bring us to our knees, just where He wants us. His ways may seem cruel and over the top in our limited perception of time and life but when the veil is lifted and our immortality is bestowed on us we will see how the trials and tribulations in our experience(s) of consuming the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil pale in comparison to the unfathomable rewards of becoming incorruptable Sons and Daughters of God.

When we no longer "see through a glass darkly" (1Cor 13:12) and have our eyes fully opened we will see that His plan is, was, will be perfect for all His children.

What a glorious day to faithfully look forward to.

His Peace and Wisdom to you,

Joe

[rrammfcitktturjsp]

Joe,

  I meant to get back to you, sry not having much time until this week LOL.  It is spring break.

  I wanted to comment on your post in several ways.  I liked the comment about us being creatures of time.  In the few ensuing weeks, I have been madder than a wet hornet about time.  My very inner core screams there is NO such things as time, and that it is only a convience of man. I am learning how to live with the acceptance of fact that time does NOT exist.  When one goes into higher dimensions, time is not a prevelant factor.  It is interesting in how something most of humanity is enslaved to, is no longer a deciding factor in higher dimensions.

  I long for the day, I can tell time to go to <errgh> that non existant place LOL.

  I too share that day with anitcipation.  I will be a like a kid in a candy store.

  Sincerely,



  Anne C. McGuire

[hebrewroots98]

Anne,
I remember all of these things that you shared with me long ago and I still get emotional when I hear about this..  It has helped me to understand alot about the current ANNE.
Blessings,
Susan

[rrammfcitktturjsp]

Susan,

  <smiles> It helps me understand where I have come from as well.  It has also shown me what I have overcome not through my effot, but by God's.  And if it was as dynamic as it has been in the past, one can only be awed and excited about the future and the present.

  Sincerely,



  Anne C. McGuire