To All,
As I left off yesterday, I realized while lying to go to bed that my first post in this topic was very deep and very revealing. It also revealed to me that I have learned to let go and I can see progress made becuase of when I was writing it, I did not feel the feelings of bitterness and the "Why Me" God. I believe that with Ray's explanation of why bad things happen to good and innocent people does good for me to hear. I have wondered if God allows things to happen to us becuase he loves us and wants us to be the best that we can be for Him and it is impossible to do that without the trial and tribulations thrown our way. Ahhhh, I digress. To continue yesterday's story.
Remember I was already put in a residentail hospital up here in Lubbock. To date the facility is closed for unknown reasons to me. I am having a hard time tracking down where these records are, but I am looking as a clue as to what happened in those years from a clinical point of view. Anyways my younger brother Adam was put in the same facility as me. I cannot remember how long we were there, but I remember often fighting with the other kids and making their lives misearble. I remember not being able to trust anyone, especailly those who were kind to me or to my brother, becuase my adoptive parents were often "Kind" or tried to make it up when the abuse happened. Enter skepticism into my life.
I do not remember much of that year except that Adam and I were separated. He went into foster care homes, and I went to an facility in Abilene that was a residential psychiatric unit for children and teenagers. I remember more of this year. I believe this happened when I was late 5 years of age or early 6 years of age.
At this facility now separated from my younger brother, all hell broke loose. I remember many days and nights spent in an isolation room. I remember just crying and screaming while banging my head against the wall. I remember being in trouble so much. I was very alone and very abandoned, looking back there were many adults who cared about me but I did not trust them. Out of all the poeple there, I remember forging one friendship and that was with a teenage girl. I remember she would do nothing when my tirades would start but simply be there for me. The younger kids were separated from the older kids, but we were allowed to associate with eachother and pursue the relationship. I think it is becuase I had not friends in my peer group and trusted no one. I remember starting kindergarden or pre-k and those days were full of trouble.
Sometime as time passes, I was allowed to visit Adam in his foster care hone in Abilene. From what has been discussed, it was a very stressful time for all involved. I caused trouble for all of Adam's foster care family, aligning myself with noone but Adam.
Well in time and in the ensuing years I learned I was too out of control for foster care family and that was why I was in a residentail program. I realized that I did take the first five years very hard. During this time, my music was continued very sporatically. I would sit or stand at the piano and cry, but once I could get into my music, I was happy. Ergo, I began to learn at an early age that music was an acceptable way to relieve and to escape the world. I remember many times just being in awe of the music and crying like a banshiee when it was time to put the piano up. The folks at the facility realized what this was and allowed me to spend as much time as I wanted doing my music. I learned that it was pleasant to be alone and not to depend on other non-trustable human beings. I learned that nothing gave me so much joy than to do my music at this early age.
I just realized that I should have written this in the least thread, but it fits well into this thread. When my adoptive parents realized I had a talent for music, what they did was find another excuse to abuse me. As much as I was hit on and beat on for all my mistakes in music, by every right I should have related music with abuse and should hate it with a passion, but for some prevailing and weird reason, I do not hate it. IN fact to this day, when I need sweet release from the world, I go and find it in my music and there I find the Presence of God, but more of this later when it gets time for that thread.
I am glad that music woud serve as a buffer and in my salvation so to speak <I promise wait for the end and you will see why I phrased that as that> I belive had I not had my music, I would not have been able to relate to God. All this will make sense later on.
Well at the end of my sixth year, I was told that I was going to be adopted. When I learned this, I turned even more hostile and vindictive. Many of the last nights were spent in the isolation room. I could not understand why this was happening and all I felt was fear. Many, many times, the folks down there tried to reassure me that I would be okay.
Looking back knowing what I know now, I realize that the next phase had to happen in my life. I am very aware that I was a ward of the state as well as Adam. And we were in the batch that were designated as hard-core cases and probably hopeless cases as well. The chance of us not getting adopted were very real, and the fact that we were adopted is amazing. I have not gone after the CPS records regarding myself, becuase I feel I need to heal a little more before I go and find this out.
I remember being taken to the mall at Abilene the day that I was supposed to meet my new adoptive Mom and we went to buy a rose or a carnation. We finally bought a carnation. I remember being taken back to Woods and seeing my Mom and my new older brother for the first time, saying a nice and colorful expletive. I remember seeing her, and instantly thinking about my first adoptive mom, and immediately I began to distrust and hate her there right on the spot, even before any words came from her mouth. At this time, I was not aware that they had adopted Adam my younger brother.
I remember the long drive back to Brownfield Texas from Abilene Texas. There I was to live until I was 19 years of age. This is perhaps the longest phase of my life, but it is filled with many mini phases that must be addressed.
When I walked into my new home, I saw the Christams Tree that was up and all the things related with Christmas. I learned later that they had left all the deocrations up for me. I remember meeting my new adoptive father, but then all was lost, when I realized that there was a piano, and I felt a little relief.
That first meal, I could not eat, and I remember trying to wheedle my way into getting desert, much to say the least I threw my first fit.
I was tucked in and the next morning, we were going to Tres Ritos New Mexico. Our grandparents had a cabin up there, and it was my birthday or January 1st. It was close, becuase we celebrated my birthday up in Tres Ritos. I remember waking up my new adoptive father by sitting on his chest and screaming "I'm sustaining You." This was becuase I was often restrained in the past two years, and it may have made such an impact on me for to do this to my new adoptive father the second day I was with them.
And so we leave off this narrative. Keep in mind that I did not trust any of these people and that I hated them from the get go.
[NOTE: God was introduced in Woods, but I just was too young to understand any of it. I would receive a formal discussion of God in my new parents house.]
The next phase we will cover is half of the elementary years grades K-2 as there were many things that happened that would define who I would become.
Thanks for letting me share these things with you, and I am glad that there may be some out there with a similar background that can be blessed.
May God bless You and Yours.
Sincerely,
Anne C. McGuire
Author
Topic: In Pursuit of the Truth - Part II - Years 5-7 (Read 4309 times)