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[Shmeggly]

I wasn't going to post about this, because I am paranoid about people from the area I live in finding out about this forum, and knowing who is posting this.  But really, why do I care?

I have struggled my whole life with Christianity; could never live the life.  Alot of you maybe have felt like this.  Never felt like a Christian, never felt like God cared at all, except to be angry with me, and just waiting to send me to Hell.  Had nightmares about hell and the rapture as a kid up until maybe 4 years ago (38) ....and I am talking about nightmares, not bad dreams.  Never felt like reading the bible, or praying really.  Had to force myself to.  Didn't care if anyone ever got saved or not. 

My wife has been questioning Christianity for I guess a long time, yet I was the one raised and indoctrinated in it...she wasn't.  But we both have been questioning things for a couple years at least.  I knew I couldn't lead the life that was "required"....and I just felt like something was missing/wrong. 

I stepped down from being a board member, then eventually stepped down from worship ministry.  We no longer believed in hell, tithing etc...so church quickly became more irrelevant....when the last sermon "seemed" to be designed and preached right at my wife, we left the church for good. 

So....everything a bed of roses?  Not even close....

My wife and I have struggled our whole marriage, and having four kids, moving lots, in debt, homeschooling on top of all the other stress just was too much.

My wife (and I) both started drinking again....but she started going out, and then staying out all night without me.  She wanted to pierce her nose, get a tattoo, and not be told what to do.  We have been married for 18 years and things were just getting worse and worse.  She became more distant, and the more I asked her to not go out, the more she wanted to.  It and our arguing put stress on the kids, and they started acting out and having problems....I won't go into detail, but it was hurtful.

Then one day about 3 months ago, I phoned my wife when she had stayed out overnight drinking at a friends....and she told me she couldn't take it anymore and was leaving me....WHAM!!!  Talk about having your guts ripped out!  She has told me she is indifferent to me, and doesn't love me anymore. 

I stopped drinking that day, because I realized I was drinking because I was miserable over her, and that I was trying to go along with her.  But I didn't want to. 

My wife is like a totally different person now (not in a good way-like I don't know her).  This is the hard part: I know that she is suffering not only from the stress she has had to endure in our marriage, but also from an extremely traumatic past.  The only way she was able to cope so long, was that she is an extremely strong person.  I am not going to go into detail, but I believe the stress just built up until something "snapped" so to speak, and the past has come up because it was never dealt with.  And what do the churchianity people say?  "Stick it out, it will all be ok....everybody hits rough spots....just tough it out etc etc."  "God wants you to stay" (stay when it she feels wounded and hurt?) blah blah...
 
She needs real help.  I have prayed so much I thought my head would explode.  I feel like David....my tears were my bed or whatever....I went to bed praying and crying, woke up in the middle of the night praying and crying, and woke up in the morning praying and crying.  I felt like I wanted to die, and still do some days....not wanting to hurt myself, just not wanting to live with the pain....there is a difference. 

We are still in the same house, due to financial reasons....it's funny because we can talk, and get along, even laugh together....and I know she is not indifferent but scared....but she wants to just get away and be on her own.  She did not want to admit anything was wrong, other than I was the problem, but finally she admitted about the past....but it hasn't changed anything.  We are still on the road to seperate lives, and our children are hurting and we are hurting beyond belief. 

I had a screwed up childhood where I had alcoholic parents with violence in the home.  They split, and we were taken away from them and put in foster homes when I was about 6....we were all adopted when I was 7.  Life sucked, and we did not grow up loved or normal.  That is my feeling about that...

I tell you this because that was nothing compared to now, this is the worst thing that has ever happened. 
And for anyone who may be reading this who may know me or my wife....wipe the smug look off your faces....I thought everything was fine until the bottom fell out....so don't be so judgemental....the divorce rate in the church is the same as outside of it.  Some people have been really understanding, and I'm sure some have judged us..."they left the church, no longer believe in hell and LLOOKK WHAT HAPPENED TO THEMMMMM!!!!" 
People still don't understand that my wife has no choice in how she's acting, she is a wounded soul that desperately needs healing.  I didn't understand then what I know now, if only I had realized it was still there after all these years. 
Anyway....most people I know are absolutely miserable, they are NOT happy....I see non Christians being more free and happy than most if not all of the christians I know....that's what I have the biggest problem with.  And I have dared question God...."why am I serving You?"  We are always told that "they" will want what we have....well if any non Christian looked at my life, why the hell would they want anything I have?  I have no joy, no peace, no happiness....

Today is one of my "special" days....I am not doing so well, and feeling sorry for myself.  Some of you may say that I am not even "saved", or that I am carnal or whatever.  So be it.  I'm trying, and I am wounded, so please cut me some slack.  I think I cope quite well most days.  I want to be useful, and I want to encourage others, I am so sick of hurting.  Sorry for the long post, or if it isn't appropriate to this forum.  I know I am not myself today....

[ciy]

Shmeggly

I am humbled by your post.  I will not attempt to offer advice, but I want you to know that I am praying for you to have strength and courage to trust God and that you will meditate on his word day and night that you might get the peace that comes from doing according to His word so that then your way will be made properous and then you will have success. (Joshua chap 1)

Focus on God
CIY

[LittleBear]

Dear Shmeggly,

God bless you for your courage and honesty in posting about your struggles. Problems in marriage and interpersonal relationships have a way of ripping our very being from the inside out. I will pray for you that you will endure this wilderness and come out stronger because of it. Keep focusing on God and go on even if you feel you cant.

Love in Christ,

Ursula

[GODSown1]

Hey shmeggly,
                 its jus so funny, well if u could call it d@, But Ive jus found my bagz, az in been kickd owt!! , & everyfing urve posted jus soundz so much like wots happening 2 me & my life right @ dis moment, dis Very moment. So blieve me dude I no xactly hw ur feeln, But! dude all im gunna do is Trust in the LORD! az HE ( blieve it) is in Control!!!!. I blieve We just hav 2 hav Faith!!, everyfing u hav posted is me 2 a Tee & my life Hardowt!!, & I no wot ur sayn wen U say Ur better off dead But! not 2 wanna kill urself, Brother all I can say is ill Pray 4 U & I ask 4 ur Prayz 4 me in return , GODBlesS! U brother, b strong ma brother.
                 much muchLOVE!! Pera

ps. & I ask 4 every1z Prayz 4 us both PeacE!!!

[Dean Peterman]

Dear Shmeggly,

Your honesty will help a lot of people including myself.  It is my personal belief that we are all partly responsible for the pain in other peoples life.  How many times in my own life have I been judgemental or unkind to someone.  It may have been someone that was suffering with the kind of pain you have.  You have inspired me to be a more loving person. 

Sincerely,

Dean

[eggi]

Dear Shmeggly,

I don't know you personally, but I want to say that your post touched me. You have done a very brave thing by sharing your innermost feelings and experiences with us.

My best advice to you is to not bother at all about the people in your church who are "looking down" on you. You already have enough problems, don't let that be another concern for you.

I'll pray for you and your family.

God bless you,
Eirik

[Redbird]

Dear Schmeggly,

My prayers are with you.  It sounds like midlife CRISIS also to me, which affects everyone in the family.  Be strong, ecspecially for your children.  And may God be with you through this most difficult time.

Lisa

[LittleBear]

Hi Pera,

You are a lovely person, brother. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you too. I find Job really knows how to describe how he feels to God. Sometimes I will read his descriptions to God and say to God, "Yes, this is exactly how I'm feeling right now." When I can't find the words, Job says it for me.

Job 30:27, 28  My heart is in turmoil and cannot rest; days of affliction confront me. I go about mourning, but not in the sun; I stand up in the congregation and cry out for help.

Love,

Ursula

[GODSown1]

Hey Thanks so much Ursula,
                                    Thank U so much 4 ur kind words & dem scriptures frm Job, GODBless U & b wit U alwayZ!!!! I so Love dis family in dis hea Forum, Thank YOU FATHER.
                                     muchLOVE!! Pera

[gmik]

I cannot add to the above posts, but Smeggly & Pera, you are loved by us and will be in our prayers.

Everything on this forum is talking about THIS.  Coping w/ what life throws at us.  Trusting God to make sense out of it all.

Know that you are being prayed for and thought of.

Thank you both so much for sharing w/ us.

[pylady]

Shmeggly,

My heart goes out to you and my prayers are for you and your family.  Growing up in a family where there was much drinking and ill feelings, arguments and even violence I understand how the stress can seem almost unbearable.  Sometimes all we can do is pray and cry out to the Lord.

God has given you a heart of understanding toward your wife, even though she has hurt you so deeply.  You said she can't help the way she is acting, and that she is a wounded soul who desparately needs help.  You said that you still talk and laugh.  It seems you are a real friend to her in spite of everything.  I pray that when she realizes she is on a destructive road, and she needs a friend she will turn to you.  Perhaps then you could help her find some help.  AA has been a  blessing for many people cursed with alcohol addiction, some psychiatric counseling, even medication for a time.  Of course our best healing comes from the promises in God's word.

  Rev 21:4 "and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall
  longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain
  the first things have passed away."

Meanwhile try to be strong for yourself and your children.  In my humble opinion the best thing we can do in a terrible situation in addition to praying and crying out to the Lord, is to remember that all this is temporary.  We must endure it for awhile, but we must keep our eyes on the wonderful future that God has promised us, and even in terrible stressful times like this try to find some consulation and joy in it.

Please understand I am not trying to minimize your suffering.  I'm just saying at times like these we especially need to think of the hope ahead.

May God be with you and your family.

With Christian Love,

            Cindy

[UncleBeau]

Dear Shmeggly,

I am one that I can say that I know what you're going through. I know you're suffering. I did too. your wife HAS to go through what she's going through right now. God can NOT change His plan just because you might not accept it. It took me almost four years to come to that truth....and my ex wife...her pain and suffering is very apparent these days. I wish that I could have changed her or helped in some kind of way, but God has a better way. Remember Jesus came for the LOST sheep. She's lost. You at least know where to go to get sound advice. I'm not telling you this to sound mean in any way. We love you just like we do her. I'll just say this though....Get ready to open your eyes more every day, because God's got a bumpy ride ahead prepared for you with better rewards than you can imagine!

your friend,

-Beau

[pylady]

Pera,

You always sound so happy and upbeat.  Who would have thought you're going thru such terrible times!  You have such a wonderful attitude even though you must really be hurting inside.  I wish I could be more like you in dealing with my problems!

I pray that God will give you wisdom to deal with your situation and a good outcome.  Again, sometimes it seems like the hope God has given us is all we have left.  But what a wonderful hope!
    Rev 21:4 "and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall
     be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying; neither shall there be any
     more pain; for the former things are passed away."

I know I'm repeating myself, but I just love that scripture!  Imagine in God's Kingdom there will never be any reason to cry!  We will have the happiness we all want but is so illusive in this life!

May God be with you and comfort you.

with Christian love,

           Cindy

[carol70]

Shmeggly,

My heart goes out to you.  I am going through a very similar trial right now and all we can do is keep trusting God to turn things around for us.

Proverbs 3:5  Trust in Jehovah with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:6  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

I hold on to those verses for dear life.

I pray for you, your wife, and your children.

Pera, my prayers go out to you as well.

God bless you,
Carol

[Shmeggly]

Wow....I am overwhelmed by the responses to this....I am humbled by the caring that is evident.  And so much of what everyone said here is true; and much appreciated.

Pera, I am so sorry for what you are going through, my heart hurts for you too....I will pray for you.  It seems this sort of thing is happening alot to people....I don't know if I really know 1 couple that is actually happy....

 I know deep inside that this is supposed to happen, if that makes sense.  I want to fight against it of course, and say "why me?"  "it's not fair" etc etc. 

I know that already through this I am becoming a different person, and am being molded and shaped into someone or something else.  I know that this is good for my wife too, because I believe that this had to come out and be exposed....the past hurt etc.  It hurts though to think she might go through life wounded, when I know she is so fixable, for lack of a better word.  That isn't the best way to describe it, but she is so desperately needing to be healed and made whole.  I am praying for that....

For the record, the alcohol is not a problem; she is hardly even having a drink anymore.  That doesn't mean she won't go out or something....alcohol was a way of medicating her pain....and still is.  The whole going out was an escape, because the house and the rest of us represented stress, and that brought up the pain....and I am a representative of that pain....this may not make sense, but I just don't want to reveal too much (like I haven't already!)

Thank you so much for your support, I hope this could help someone in some way; it helped me just to type it out.  And it lets you know where I am at, and where I am coming from. 

Even today, when my emotions are right on the surface and don't feel very "up", I saw an older man in a wheelchair, and his older wife was helping him sit in it, and he almost fell.  I was instantly on my feet without thinking,  and on my way to help....but he made it safely into the chair.  I realize how much I want to help people; how much I still care.  I know it's easy to focus on ourselves; when we focus on others, it seems to put things in a different light.  I don't know...

The hard thing is she is so adamant of our seperating and it being permanent; I know she sees me as a threat, because even in the past she said I was the one with the potential to hurt her the most emotionally.  I know God is working things out, but I still have a hard time thinking that broken homes are his plan....forgive my lack of understanding. 

You don't know what it means for everyone of you who wrote something on here....thank you for your caring and support....J

And I know that some of you if not most of you are going through your own trials; some of them probably a lot worse than what I'm facing.  Know that I care about what happens to you as well, and yes, deep down, I know God has a plan for all of us, and He's making people that will oneday maybe be capable of handling some responsibility in His kingdom....that's my thought anyway....

[GODSown1]

I jus Thank the LORD,
                            4 u All & all ur mighty upliftn comments, Yea Gena it is not 4 us 2 understand but 2 jus xsept! muchLOVE!! sister, & yep Cindy u r ryte, But! wot i hav learn't is its not wot goes in d@ really matters its wot cumz owt! Thank u so much 4 ur kind & az Ive sed very upliftn comments, I can neva stop sayn hw much Ive cum 2 Love Uz All in dis forum Thank YOU FATHER! dey r all Amazing!!, Big! Hugz & kisses 2 U all n CHRIST JESUS, Peace!!.
                             muchLOVE!! Pera

[skydreamers]

Hi James and Pera,

My heart goes out to you guys.  Situation like yours are truly tragic, especially when children are involved, and it's obvious that both of you are loving men who want to do what's right for your families.  My prayers are with you both.

Jesus sermon on the mount comes to mind.  These are truly mysterious words of Jesus, because they go against everything that is carnal in us:


Blessed are those who mourn...
Matthew 5:4

I have read that and thought, "Excuse me?"  When you look up how "blessed" is defined, here is what it says:

* supremely blessed, fortunate, well-off, happy

I am sure neither of you would say you feel like this right now...but Jesus assures us that you are blessed in your mourning....why?

...for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

There is something about situations like these in which Jesus can reach down and comfort us in the deepest depths of our souls.  So you ask, how can he comfort? 

Are you not the greatest comfort to others, when they know you yourself have been there, completely understand what they are going through, and so are not alone in their pain?

Are you not the greatest comfort to someone when you identify with their pain? 

If you are in emotional pain, so is your Creator.  Not just in the sense that He's been there, done that....but He IS there, right there with you, in the depths of your pain...in fact, it is my deepest sense that any of our pain is no match for the suffering of our Father.

I do not believe that it is the Father's ultimate will that we should suffer through broken relationships, but it is His temporary will, as it is necessary to get us to where we are going and to teach us by experience the very depths of God...who is suffering at present through more broken relationships than our Father??

The brokeness you feel for your wives and children in the suffering they go through is only the slightest inkling of what a purely loving Creator feels for His creation, and in this, is there not comfort? 

When I have been in pain, my truest friends have been those who cried with me, and in this there is a strange kind of comfort, because we all carry the baggage of a million hurts as we struggle through this life.  And so there is unity and purity, there at that place of mourning....a place of comfort.  God is there with you, not just as a Father patting you on the shoulder saying "there, there", but as a friend saying, "I weep with you, your pain is mine..."

So, if we look down at the face of our Savior, who is washing OUR feet, and who is weeping over the brokenness of OUR relationship with Him, our hearts can go out to Him...if we can see that His pain is greater than ours...would not this move our hearts to....want to comfort Him...and this changes our hearts...melts our hearts...causes us to want to give all of our hearts to Him, who is suffering...

I think that is why Jesus says:

Matthew 25:35-40
For I was hungry and you gave ME food, I was thirsty and you gave ME drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed ME
I was naked and you clothed ME, I was sick and you visited ME, I was in prison and you came to ME.
...Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to ME.

To the carnal, it is a contradiction, to the spiritual it is poetry, to the heart it is comfort...

Much luv and respect to both of you,
Peace,
Diana

[GODSown1]

Diana wow!,
              U neva sies 2 Amaze! mE wit ur GOD given gift of great knowledge of rightiousnesS alwayz U say such comforting wordz, & alwayz da right 1z 2 , GOD so has BlesSed U gurl lol! , & az U c urVe put a big grin on ma face , GODBlesS! U ma sister in CHRIST JESUS.
              muchLOVE!! Pera

[Robin]

Hi Shmeggly and Pera,

My heart goes out to you. I've been through some heartbreaking times with my son's alcoholism. I've also been shown truth that had to be shown to me through pain.

I remember one night. My son was just out of rehab and was wonderful and sober for 3 months. He was living with me at the time. He started drinking one night and became violent. I had to lock him out of the house. I called the police and they wouldn't do anything. It was freezing outside and raining and my son was out there in the cold. He kept knocking on the door and I couldn't let him in. I was so afraid he would die that night. I felt so guilty I turned my heater off because I should be cold too if he was so cold.

I sat in my kitchen in the cold praying for my son and praying that he would live through the night. My heart hurt so terribly bad that I felt something inside me just shut down. It hurt to the point that my heart just turned off. I felt a peace after that and felt God's love. I thought of Jesus and for the first time thought of the Father and thought of what he must have gone through watching his only son suffer. I started thinking of how little I knew about the Father and then I saw great truth. If you have seen me you have seen the Father. My heavenly Father revealed a little of himself to me that night when I was sitting in my kitchen in overwhelming emotional pain. I would never have known that without the painful experience my son and I went through that night.

My son lived through the night. I handed him a cup of coffee and a couple of sandwiches in the morning and sent him on his way. I could tell you 20 years worth of stories like that one. My son is doing well for now, but I just take it a day at a time. God is working in his life and in my life and we are not in control.

I was taught the greatest truths through the worst pain imaginable. If I could go back and change it I wouldn't. There was irreplaceable treasure in years of emotional pain. I didn't know that at the time. Keep seeking God. He knows what he is doing and it is all in his control and all for our good. He changes the desire of our heart to seek him above all else. He will drive everything out that stands in the way if we are chosen. He will become the only desire of our heart. It's a painful process with fiery trials.

Hugs,
MG

[GODSown1]

THANKS 4 d@ MG,
                       d@ was Orsum! it was Amazing actually, hw out of all d@ GOD revealed His pain! HE goes thru & has been thru, man! I Loved d@ sO much Thanks so much 4 sharing MG Thank YOU FATHER. And U r right 2 MG wen U look bak U wuldnt change n e fing, d@ is sO right az it is AlL the FATHER preparing uS 4 bigga & better fingZ! GODS WilL b done, alwayZ has & alwayZ! Will. I Pray MG GOD keeps U & ur son safe & true! in HIS Word! az I c U hear HIS voice az many in dis forum do.
                        muchLOVE!! Pera