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My own private hell
Shmeggly:
I wasn't going to post about this, because I am paranoid about people from the area I live in finding out about this forum, and knowing who is posting this. But really, why do I care?
I have struggled my whole life with Christianity; could never live the life. Alot of you maybe have felt like this. Never felt like a Christian, never felt like God cared at all, except to be angry with me, and just waiting to send me to Hell. Had nightmares about hell and the rapture as a kid up until maybe 4 years ago (38) ....and I am talking about nightmares, not bad dreams. Never felt like reading the bible, or praying really. Had to force myself to. Didn't care if anyone ever got saved or not.
My wife has been questioning Christianity for I guess a long time, yet I was the one raised and indoctrinated in it...she wasn't. But we both have been questioning things for a couple years at least. I knew I couldn't lead the life that was "required"....and I just felt like something was missing/wrong.
I stepped down from being a board member, then eventually stepped down from worship ministry. We no longer believed in hell, tithing etc...so church quickly became more irrelevant....when the last sermon "seemed" to be designed and preached right at my wife, we left the church for good.
So....everything a bed of roses? Not even close....
My wife and I have struggled our whole marriage, and having four kids, moving lots, in debt, homeschooling on top of all the other stress just was too much.
My wife (and I) both started drinking again....but she started going out, and then staying out all night without me. She wanted to pierce her nose, get a tattoo, and not be told what to do. We have been married for 18 years and things were just getting worse and worse. She became more distant, and the more I asked her to not go out, the more she wanted to. It and our arguing put stress on the kids, and they started acting out and having problems....I won't go into detail, but it was hurtful.
Then one day about 3 months ago, I phoned my wife when she had stayed out overnight drinking at a friends....and she told me she couldn't take it anymore and was leaving me....WHAM!!! Talk about having your guts ripped out! She has told me she is indifferent to me, and doesn't love me anymore.
I stopped drinking that day, because I realized I was drinking because I was miserable over her, and that I was trying to go along with her. But I didn't want to.
My wife is like a totally different person now (not in a good way-like I don't know her). This is the hard part: I know that she is suffering not only from the stress she has had to endure in our marriage, but also from an extremely traumatic past. The only way she was able to cope so long, was that she is an extremely strong person. I am not going to go into detail, but I believe the stress just built up until something "snapped" so to speak, and the past has come up because it was never dealt with. And what do the churchianity people say? "Stick it out, it will all be ok....everybody hits rough spots....just tough it out etc etc." "God wants you to stay" (stay when it she feels wounded and hurt?) blah blah...
She needs real help. I have prayed so much I thought my head would explode. I feel like David....my tears were my bed or whatever....I went to bed praying and crying, woke up in the middle of the night praying and crying, and woke up in the morning praying and crying. I felt like I wanted to die, and still do some days....not wanting to hurt myself, just not wanting to live with the pain....there is a difference.
We are still in the same house, due to financial reasons....it's funny because we can talk, and get along, even laugh together....and I know she is not indifferent but scared....but she wants to just get away and be on her own. She did not want to admit anything was wrong, other than I was the problem, but finally she admitted about the past....but it hasn't changed anything. We are still on the road to seperate lives, and our children are hurting and we are hurting beyond belief.
I had a screwed up childhood where I had alcoholic parents with violence in the home. They split, and we were taken away from them and put in foster homes when I was about 6....we were all adopted when I was 7. Life sucked, and we did not grow up loved or normal. That is my feeling about that...
I tell you this because that was nothing compared to now, this is the worst thing that has ever happened.
And for anyone who may be reading this who may know me or my wife....wipe the smug look off your faces....I thought everything was fine until the bottom fell out....so don't be so judgemental....the divorce rate in the church is the same as outside of it. Some people have been really understanding, and I'm sure some have judged us..."they left the church, no longer believe in hell and LLOOKK WHAT HAPPENED TO THEMMMMM!!!!"
People still don't understand that my wife has no choice in how she's acting, she is a wounded soul that desperately needs healing. I didn't understand then what I know now, if only I had realized it was still there after all these years.
Anyway....most people I know are absolutely miserable, they are NOT happy....I see non Christians being more free and happy than most if not all of the christians I know....that's what I have the biggest problem with. And I have dared question God...."why am I serving You?" We are always told that "they" will want what we have....well if any non Christian looked at my life, why the hell would they want anything I have? I have no joy, no peace, no happiness....
Today is one of my "special" days....I am not doing so well, and feeling sorry for myself. Some of you may say that I am not even "saved", or that I am carnal or whatever. So be it. I'm trying, and I am wounded, so please cut me some slack. I think I cope quite well most days. I want to be useful, and I want to encourage others, I am so sick of hurting. Sorry for the long post, or if it isn't appropriate to this forum. I know I am not myself today....
ciy:
Shmeggly
I am humbled by your post. I will not attempt to offer advice, but I want you to know that I am praying for you to have strength and courage to trust God and that you will meditate on his word day and night that you might get the peace that comes from doing according to His word so that then your way will be made properous and then you will have success. (Joshua chap 1)
Focus on God
CIY
LittleBear:
Dear Shmeggly,
God bless you for your courage and honesty in posting about your struggles. Problems in marriage and interpersonal relationships have a way of ripping our very being from the inside out. I will pray for you that you will endure this wilderness and come out stronger because of it. Keep focusing on God and go on even if you feel you cant.
Love in Christ,
Ursula
GODSown1:
Hey shmeggly,
its jus so funny, well if u could call it d@, But Ive jus found my bagz, az in been kickd owt!! :) , & everyfing urve posted jus soundz so much like wots happening 2 me & my life right @ dis moment, dis Very moment. So blieve me dude I no xactly hw ur feeln, But! dude all im gunna do is Trust in the LORD! az HE ( blieve it) is in Control!!!!. I blieve We just hav 2 hav Faith!!, everyfing u hav posted is me 2 a Tee & my life Hardowt!!, & I no wot ur sayn wen U say Ur better off dead But! not 2 wanna kill urself, Brother all I can say is ill Pray 4 U & I ask 4 ur Prayz 4 me in return :), GODBlesS! U brother, b strong ma brother.
much muchLOVE!! Pera
ps. & I ask 4 every1z Prayz 4 us both :) PeacE!!! :)
Dean Peterman:
Dear Shmeggly,
Your honesty will help a lot of people including myself. It is my personal belief that we are all partly responsible for the pain in other peoples life. How many times in my own life have I been judgemental or unkind to someone. It may have been someone that was suffering with the kind of pain you have. You have inspired me to be a more loving person.
Sincerely,
Dean
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