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[carol70]

Diana and MG,

I was very humbled by you both.  For the first time I was truly able to look past my own pain and get a glimpse of what it was like for God to watch his son suffer.  Through all of my trials, I never considered that He was suffering right along with me, and that my suffering could not compare to what he went through with His son.

God has used my trials to humble me and show me my own sins.  As painful as it has been, I am so grateful that God has begun sharing his Word and his truth with me. 

Thank you Shmeggly, for sharing your story with us.  I have been very blessed by this thread.

Love and peace,
Carol

[Shmeggly]

I think I knew by becoming vulnerable a bit, and sharing what's happening, it would bring out some good.  Even though I fought it....

All I can say is wow....I am blown away by the stories here, and the insight into pain and suffering.  I want to thank you Diana for your post and words of encouragement.  You are so right....

MG, thank you for sharing about your son.  I still can't fathom what you and others on this forum have gone through.  Your last paragraph is absolutey truth; I have felt that in my spirit for a long time now. 
I have despaired because I am struggling spiritually, and when I think that God is not there for me, then I feel hopeless. 
But I know He has been talking to me, so gently I can barely hear.  I've never "heard" from God like some people do.  But this has been fairly strong impression inside me, and I've said "I'm either completely off my rocker, or I'm hearing from God." 

What I've heard for awhile now, is that I am to love my wife unconditionally, because she has never been loved unconditionally.  (I don't know if that is true or not, just what I "heard".)  Also, I keep hearing "love the unloveable"....to be patient, loving and kind. 

This is the opposite of what I want to do....which makes me think it's from God!  To protect myself, I want to shut off love, and just move on.  THAT is what makes this so hard....it would be easy if it was just "move on", and stop loving her.  But I don't feel like that is what I'm supposed to do....if I'm not hearing from God, the worst thing that will happen is I will have loved my wife no matter what, so I guess I can't lose.  Except it is excruciatingly painful....more on that! 

I have had an impression of a wounded bird beeing handed to me....and to take care of it.  But instead, I slowly crushed it, not realizing what I was doing.  So now that I know what is really the root of the problem, maybe I will have another opportunity to nurture and help heal my wounded wife. 

But I am so not wanting to go through this trial!  Last night I was trying to think of reasons to live;   and even in the depths of absolute despair, I realized that my wife has nothing to do with it.  I know God is doing this for both of us, and that He wants me to be able to function as a whole human being, regardless of my wife, and He wants her hurt to be revealed, and to be dealt with, and for her to be a whole person too....

I hope this doesn't sound as bad as I think; like I said before, I have no desire to die, just don't want the pain!  And I know my kids need me, and yes, my wife still needs me. 

My daughter just called from the pool!  She needs me to pick her up; she is so special, wonderful, and she needs her one and only DAD!!! 

Thanks for caring everyone, and Pera, hang in there!!!  You are an encouragement!!!

Carol, I am humbled by you!  James

[DuluthGA]

Hi all, especially Shmeggly and Pera, just a brief note on my little adaptation to my old Catholic way of "making the sign of the cross" on myself.  Instead of the usual utterance, I would say, "Born, suffer, die, rise again."

That sort of sums it up for us all and it will hold true according to God's Word.

With His peace, Janice

[skydreamers]

What I've heard for awhile now, is that I am to love my wife unconditionally, because she has never been loved unconditionally.  (I don't know if that is true or not, just what I "heard".)  Also, I keep hearing "love the unloveable"....to be patient, loving and kind.

This is the opposite of what I want to do....which makes me think it's from God!  To protect myself, I want to shut off love, and just move on.  THAT is what makes this so hard....it would be easy if it was just "move on", and stop loving her.  But I don't feel like that is what I'm supposed to do....if I'm not hearing from God, the worst thing that will happen is I will have loved my wife no matter what, so I guess I can't lose.  Except it is excruciatingly painful....more on that!

How moving and how beautiful...brings me to tears!  James, I really think God is revealing HIMSELF to you in a most special and deep way...this is HIS heart...you are most definitely "hearing" the voice of God telling you to keep loving your wife...read the book of Hosea...your wife may be "rejecting" you, but as you say she is in pain and doesn't know any better as to how to deal with her emotions/thoughts right now.  Though I can't say what the future holds for your two, you are right when you say this experience is for both of you, and you shall both be strengthened by it.

In Hosea, Hosea wants to divorce his adulterous wife, but God tells him to go back to her...this is a reflection of God and His bride...God will never give up on "His wife" who seeks after other lovers.  His Love is greater and will inevitably out-woo (if that's a word) any other lovers (idols) out there....

Hosea 2:5-15
For their mother has played the whore; she who conceived them has acted shamefully. For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.'  Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths.  She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now....And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal...and I will punish her for the feast days...and went after her lovers and forgot me, declares the LORD...therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her...and there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.

Your wife is looking for her door of hope....

Peace,
Diana

[Shmeggly]

Ok Diana, this is almost scary!  I just have to share this....

My wife went out walking last night about 10:00.....she didn't come home till 1130 this morning!  I kind of guessed she went to her friends house, and she did.  Went for 1 drink, and ended up completely loaded and couldn't even walk home!  So much for my theory about her and alcohol! 

I was upset at her, because we had to pick up 2 of our kids from where they have been for the last week, and she wasn't even able to function.  So I said, "If you care, I am picking up our daughters this morning....and by the way, thanks for letting me know your walk was going to be 12 HOURS LONG!!!" (sarcasm!!!)

I said this in a fairly calm controlled voice.  I had lain awake most of the night unable to sleep,  thinking of course the worst; she's hurt, she's out drunk and being taken advantage of by some guy, or she's deliberately with some guy, etc etc.  Talk about the battlefield of the mind!  Despair! 

When I said that about our daughters, she said she was sorry, hadn't planned on it being more than 1 drink, that she didn't do anything "bad" (she knows I'm jealous) and that she just got drunk with her friend and then ended up not being able to walk home.  She was feeling pretty sick too, so we had a bit of a talk, and I got mad and said I was going to find a place to live even if it was temporary, because I couldn't handle her behavior. 
She defended her behavior, even though I think she knew she was wrong (and sick!)....

Anyway, left it at that, steaming about it all the way to pick up the girls.  I talked with them on the way back (about other things), and by the time I got home, my attitude had softened.  My wife was up to meet the girls, and the first thing I did when she looked my way (wounded look) was to mouth "I'm sorry"....she also said sorry and that she thought I would be happy she was sick.  I said no....

Ended up talking a little...I know she visibly softened, and she asked if I could buy her some Sprite and crackers (sickness food!) ....I went out and got some, and brought them to her when she lay down.  She said thank you for being so kind, and I said that I wanted to be kind and helpful to her. 

What it comes down to is this:  I should not have gotten angry; whenever I do, it makes things worse.  When I do what God wants me to do, things go better.  So hard though!

Ok, the scary thing is Diana...that I have had that passage from Hosea on my mind....and had forgotten it for awhile, then was thinking of it again this morning between 5 and 9 o'clock....I knew God is speaking to me about that.  I hope it doesn't come to adultery, which I don't think it will for certain reasons...I know I couldn't handle that.  But that passage has been brought up to me time and again in my mind.  And of course I keep putting it out of my mind....

I don't know what all this means, except to keep doing what I think God is saying.  It doesn't mean it will all work out like a movie....but I hope that God restores us to wholeness, our kids too, and keeps our family together.  It would take a miracle....and I am still hoping. 

Thanks for all who listened, and gave advice, help, and hope.  Take comfort in the middle of your own private hell, cause I know some of you are there....thank you SO MUCH for sharing with me, it really has helped.  James

[eggi]

God be with you James!
We are here for you when you need us!

God bless you,
Eirik

[Bradigans]

I am so ashamed of myself for something I posted over in general discussions cut of my hand thread. I'll quote it here.

I don't know what to say anymore, besides i feel you. I'm an extremely raunchy person who's beginning to lose hope. Galatians 5:5 - For we through the Spirit (i believe this is speaking of through THE WORD John 6:63) wait for the hope of righteousness by faith.I've been seeking and searching for so long through the Word, that it's kind of discouraging to still have these same old evil desires popping up. I haven't acted out on any of them in years due to for some reason not being able to. But, the desires are still here tormenting the hell out of me. I know the fulfillment of them isn't the answer, but is living like this (in torment) the answer? It's keeping me depressed, and it feels like something on the inside of me is under attack. I keep hoping that it's God pruning me (John 15:2, Hebrews 12:4-13). Everyday has been hell for me lately. I mean it's very dark. I don't care how sunny it is outside, it's dark. I hope God will just take me. I've experienced that deep down peace and satisfaction that Ray speaks of, but where does it go. Am i bipolar?

Keep me in you alls prayers. I feel isolated and have no one to talk to. These are very dark days for me. I just want to disappear, and i wish it was like i never was. I've got these little ones to think about though. I'm so ashamed of this letter.

I had just posted that, and browsing decided to check out testimonies/prayers requests/fellowship threads. That when i saw this private hell thread. It's amazing what folks are going through, and I'm complaining. Keep me in your prayers.   

[Shmeggly]

Bradigans, don't be ashamed....there is no reason too.  People go through many different things, and handle them differently too.  I have felt bad because I know other people are going through worse things, but handle them better than I do.  But that is ok....that is who I am and where I'm at.

It's the same for you.  Cut yourself some slack  !  Realize you can't do anything in your own strength, but to keep praying and asking for help.  I have felt pretty much over the years as you have described....wondering why I couldn't change or be different, or why I had to struggle so much.  I never felt like a Christian, never wanted to read the bible or pray.  And I was a worship leader!  Talk about feeling guilty and conflicted!  Now I have learned to cut myself some slack, and realize God is working in me.  (BUT HURRY UP GOD!!! )

I too have struggled with things over the years....and was never delivered from them.  I don't know if this trial is a part of that, because it seems to have changed those parts of me....but even today I am struggling, and had a few huge fights with my wife, some of the worst we've ever had.  I finally said...."I thought that there might be some hope for us, but this (the fights) just confirms that I am not the one to love you..."  (this is of course after she has told me repeatedly she doesn't want to be married to me, is leaving etc etc.) It hurt so much to fight with her, even if I thought or was justified.  There never is a winner....

What I was saying is....I thought that God was telling me things (and maybe He was) and I thought I was the best person to love and take care of my wife.  But the fights today just proved that I have a long way to go; I said hurtful things and was not who I should be.  I am hard on myself though....I think I have had the patience of Job, but a man can only handle so much. 

So....today, I am just throwing myself on God's mercy, and literally saying "I submit to Your will, and will do what You want me to do....sorry for acting angry and unloving towards my wife.  Sorry for my mind straying into areas it shouldn't....etc etc.  Keep in mind when I am doing this, it is like a fight to do it.  My whole being wants to just rebel; but I am making the choice of submitting.  I hope this makes sense. 

Today has been hell....but I have given the whole thing up to God....the house is for sale, we are packing for our seperate places (which we haven't got yet) and my wife has never veered once from saying I am the reason she's leaving, or reconsidering leaving.  She is determined....yet still hurting and willing to talk about things. 

Just remember, eveyone handles different situations differently!  What one person perceives as "no big deal", to another it can be life altering. 

Anyway, I hope things go well for you Bradigans, and I will pray for you....I mean that....from someone going through their own private hell....James

[Bradigans]

1 Peter 1:7 - That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.2 Corinthians 4:17-18 - For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

God bless you dear brother. You've truly encouraged me. I hope the above has to you.  I'm trying my best to stay focused on THE WORD.

[gmik]

It is 1:23 in the AM!!!!

You both will be in my heart and prayers!  I will use 1 2 3 as my trigger to remember you in prayer.

[cjwood]

Hi James and Pera,

My heart goes out to you guys.  Situation like yours are truly tragic, especially when children are involved, and it's obvious that both of you are loving men who want to do what's right for your families.  My prayers are with you both.

Jesus sermon on the mount comes to mind.  These are truly mysterious words of Jesus, because they go against everything that is carnal in us:


Blessed are those who mourn...
Matthew 5:4

I have read that and thought, "Excuse me?"  When you look up how "blessed" is defined, here is what it says:

* supremely blessed, fortunate, well-off, happy

I am sure neither of you would say you feel like this right now...but Jesus assures us that you are blessed in your mourning....why?

...for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

There is something about situations like these in which Jesus can reach down and comfort us in the deepest depths of our souls.  So you ask, how can he comfort? 

Are you not the greatest comfort to others, when they know you yourself have been there, completely understand what they are going through, and so are not alone in their pain?

Are you not the greatest comfort to someone when you identify with their pain? 

If you are in emotional pain, so is your Creator.  Not just in the sense that He's been there, done that....but He IS there, right there with you, in the depths of your pain...in fact, it is my deepest sense that any of our pain is no match for the suffering of our Father.

I do not believe that it is the Father's ultimate will that we should suffer through broken relationships, but it is His temporary will, as it is necessary to get us to where we are going and to teach us by experience the very depths of God...who is suffering at present through more broken relationships than our Father??

The brokeness you feel for your wives and children in the suffering they go through is only the slightest inkling of what a purely loving Creator feels for His creation, and in this, is there not comfort? 

When I have been in pain, my truest friends have been those who cried with me, and in this there is a strange kind of comfort, because we all carry the baggage of a million hurts as we struggle through this life.  And so there is unity and purity, there at that place of mourning....a place of comfort.  God is there with you, not just as a Father patting you on the shoulder saying "there, there", but as a friend saying, "I weep with you, your pain is mine..."

So, if we look down at the face of our Savior, who is washing OUR feet, and who is weeping over the brokenness of OUR relationship with Him, our hearts can go out to Him...if we can see that His pain is greater than ours...would not this move our hearts to....want to comfort Him...and this changes our hearts...melts our hearts...causes us to want to give all of our hearts to Him, who is suffering...

I think that is why Jesus says:

Matthew 25:35-40
For I was hungry and you gave ME food, I was thirsty and you gave ME drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed ME
I was naked and you clothed ME, I was sick and you visited ME, I was in prison and you came to ME.
...Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to ME.

To the carnal, it is a contradiction, to the spiritual it is poetry, to the heart it is comfort...

Much luv and respect to both of you,
Peace,
Diana

thank you skydreamers.  i know your reply was directed to james and pera, but it was for me too.  i shared just a wee bit of my current situation, per my post, which dennis named "my story".  i never thought about our Father not just being with us in our suffering, but suffering with us, experiencing what we were feeling.  His love for me and us all is being shown to me by Him more and more.  He loves us more and He loves us most.  ray said in one of his transcripts that in loving and helping others we can let go of our own fears and better understand what our purpose for being here is (not his exact words, but pretty close i think).  you have such an awesome way of putting things into words.

your sister in Christ,
claudia

p.s.  my heart aches for you too james and pera. 

[skydreamers]

Ok, the scary thing is Diana...that I have had that passage from Hosea on my mind....and had forgotten it for awhile, then was thinking of it again this morning between 5 and 9 o'clock....I knew God is speaking to me about that.  I hope it doesn't come to adultery, which I don't think it will for certain reasons...I know I couldn't handle that.  But that passage has been brought up to me time and again in my mind.  And of course I keep putting it out of my mind....

Hi James,  yes I also don't think the passage in Hosea has anything to do with whether or not your wife will commit "adultery".  But it does seem she is at present rejecting her role as a faithful wife to you, regardless of her reasons.  It seems right now she can't make sense of what's going on inside her, she's in pain and can't help it.  But that really is the point in Hosea.  The husband (who typifies Christ) knows that his bride (God's people) can't help what they are doing in their rejection.  It is part of the process.  So perhaps this is what God is wanting to show you: you and your wife...but also you "as the wife"....see what I mean?     

I thought that God was telling me things (and maybe He was) and I thought I was the best person to love and take care of my wife.  But the fights today just proved that I have a long way to go; I said hurtful things and was not who I should be.  I am hard on myself though....I think I have had the patience of Job, but a man can only handle so much.

James, you are not "in the spiritual image of God" just yet, so please don't be too hard on yourself that you cannot consistently be "tender" to your wife.  But it does seem God is refining this virtue in you, the one that continues to love someone beyond what is being done to them.  Oh yes, your carnal mind may recoil and then attack back.  This is a fleshy instinct, it seems, to attack in an attempt to "self-preserve".  It is more than just a little hard to turn the other cheek!

You are the best person to love your wife, whether in marraige or out.  Because you love her on a deeper  level that likely neither of you quite understands just yet.  But it is no different with God and us, we know he loves us, maybe even feel that he loves us, but we yet have an incomplete understanding of the depths of God's love towards us. 

As has been witnessed in many posts on this forum, many are struggling with present sin (me including), returning whether in deed or in mind to unwanted sins and behavior.  Though in our heart of hearts we WANT to be faithful to our Lord and Savior, we despair at ourselves in our apparent inability to do so.  It seems there is much we have to go through before we can completely submit and trust in our God.

I am sorry to hear things do not seem to be working out well for you and your wife.  Perhaps in time....but nevertheless, in the meantime, regardless of outer circumstances, it is more important to be honest with yourself and your wife...perhaps for now it really is the best thing that you are not together.   This doesn't mean you cannot continue to "love" her, even if it means you have to move on.  If she sees you have made peace with the situation perhaps that might be the thing that will bring her to her senses...  You know, sometimes we also have a tendency to make things too easy for the ones we "love", by allowing them to continue destructive behavior in our presence....I've struggled with this concept with someone in my own family for what seems like forever....you  don't want to shut them out but you don't want to be an "enabler" either.....it's a tuff one. 

Think of what God does.  Does he allow us to continue in our despicable behaviors, or does he make the circumstances such that it becomes unbearable to continue in our present state?  Perhaps this is what God will do, through you, for your wife, and  vice versa. 

These are just some of my thoughts as I pray for you and yours, and try to identify with your struggles (though they are different from mine).  It is hard to make sense of situations like yours (and Pera's) because the family unit is such a precious thing. 

I hope you will find comfort and peace sooner than later....

Much love and respect to you,
Diana

[skydreamers]

thank you skydreamers.  i know your reply was directed to james and pera, but it was for me too.  i shared just a wee bit of my current situation, per my post, which dennis named "my story".  i never thought about our Father not just being with us in our suffering, but suffering with us, experiencing what we were feeling.  His love for me and us all is being shown to me by Him more and more.  He loves us more and He loves us most.  ray said in one of his transcripts that in loving and helping others we can let go of our own fears and better understand what our purpose for being here is (not his exact words, but pretty close i think).  you have such an awesome way of putting things into words.

your sister in Christ,
claudia

Hi Claudia,

Thank you for your kind words.  It is an honor and a joy to be used by God as a vessel of comfort for someone.  If you have been blessed, than it is directly from our Father, as all good things come from Him alone.  In the midst of suffering He sometimes speaks to us from the most unlikely and unexpected sources...

God's peace and love to you,
Diana

[Shmeggly]

I just had a pm about selfish prayer, which spoke very much to me.  I have been selfish in all of this, and I have been selfish in our marriage.  Like I said to that person; I KNOW God is dealing with me about being selfish.

The whole time I've been praying, even though it was sincere, I was praying for ME.  Maybe that's too hard on myself, but in  a way, it is accurate.  I prayed for my wife to be made whole (for her AND for me)  and I prayed for the kids, that we would all be able to stay together (for them AND for me)....

Just for the record:  I have had many faults as a husband.  I have not been there emotionally for my wife a good deal of the time.  I have been selfish.  I have been angry.  I disrespected my wife.  I could go on, but you get the picture.  And yes, marriage is a two way street, and my wife has the things she is responsible for, and has done. 

I wish I knew then (when we first got married) what I know now.  I have apologized to my wife for the things I now realize were hurtful.  I don't know why God waited till now for me to get alot of this, but this is the timing.  I know there is purpose in all of it. 

Diana....I meant scary in that you were thinking of Hosea and I had been thinking it too....not scary as in a scary situation....like adultery....I'm sorry if I'm not making sense again...it happens

I do think that what you say is very true.  You have alot to offer, and alot of insight.  Thank you so much for your posts....even though I wish I had kept my mouth shut to my wife, I believe it was for a reason....things I said were the truth.  And I have been praying that she would know the truth.  I do believe that it had to come to this, I'm just not sure why.

 I didn't want to share this, because I was afraid of what it means.  I kept hearing "2 years" in regards to my wife.  But that could be my imagination.  And I don't know what it means anyway.  I'm tired of trying to figure out the "spiritual" meaning behind some of these things.  I just want to be at peace for awhile. 

I don't know what else to say, but my arm is tired from beating myself up!    Love and peace to everyone, and go in the strength of God.  James

[GODSown1]

Hey brother James,
                        Brother it is so funny (well so 2 speak ), d@ is xactly wot was revealed 2 me brother, well I fink it sort of means da same fing is jus da little fingz a Woman needz az in been taken out 4 coffees or um Cookn her a meal more den usual, sum pampering etc... well u no wot in sayn ae? . Well my situation is improving wit my relationship, GOD tore!! us apart purposely so each of us cn b well like in a melting pot 2 b refined etc.. We r back speakn YES! speakn not yelln!! , & she has actually said she LOVES me, always has always will, wow!! Thank YOU LORD, I jus said I will giv her sum space & jus let her no i will alwayZ! b here 4 her weneva SHES! ready, she haz said since we've been apart she has jus spent untold time with GOD!!!, I was jus blow'n away Thank YOU FATHER, brother I believe its All FAITH! & Patience, brother in sayn wot Ive said I hope hasnt further put U down, I know in The LORD ur time will cum, keep strong! in the LORD! my brother in CHRIST, I will b Prayn 4 U, & still I ask 4 urZ!! & I jus wana take dis Oppotunity 2 Thank U all in dis family uz r all such a BlesSn!! muah! muah! muah! BlesSuP!.
                           muchLOVE!! Pera

Ps. special hugs & kisseS 2 U JANICE U so r a Gift frm GOD, muchBlesSnz 2 u & ur family OxxOxxO including mustafa(cat) of coz lol! ( slap up on da head ) ..   "BUT IM GOOD, AYE".  Oxx

[SixFour]

James,

Peace to you!

I'll just add this: I've been where you are, 12 years ago. Details were a little different from yours, but my world was turned upside down when my first wife left me. And we were both "in church" as they say.
I've been on the same "roller-coaster" emotional ride. I remember all the words I spoke in anger (more like yelled!) that I repented of later. I feel you. At that time in my life, I was still in the Babylonian mode of thinking, that is, always looking for what God can do FOR us, and not what He wants to do IN us. After all, I was a faithful member of a large Charismatic/Word of Faith church at the time. I didn't realize at the time the fire being turned up in my life was for a purpose. And not just for me, but for my now ex-wife.
Nevertheless, know too that I am praying for you and your family. I know this is no easy walk.

James

[SixFour]

Pera,

'So glad to hear things are better for you. And I appreciate your "up-beat-ness!" 

James

[gmik]

Pera, good news indeed!!!

Six four and Smeggly--2 James.  Hope we can remember that

Guys, my heart goes out to you.  My mom married 5 times thru out my first 18 years.  But.....I have been married to one man 33 years.  I used to be proud of that as tho I actually had anything to do w/ it!!!  Now I know, it was God and God alone.
I don't understand the whys and wherefors of all our journeys.  Some so painful, others not.  Jesus won't give us trials that He won't make a way to get thru.  Hold on.  Trust Him.  Get to know Him intimately.  He is faithful!

[Shmeggly]

Pera, my heart literally jumped for joy when I read your post!!!  I am very happy for you, and want only the best for you and your whole family.  I know it is God that is responsible for that.  So I thank Him for doing that in your life.  I really do pray that He just brings you 2 closer and closer together, and that the remaining years of your marriage would be like gold. 

James (nice name!) ....I am now just wanting whatever God wants....I still want to be married etc., but lately we've been sniping at each other, and I know that we would never make it without God wanting us to be together.  So I am at peace, even though I still go through sadness just thinking about the good times in our marriage....so much that is familiar, and intimate, like sharing space and being comfortable; well, you know what I mean.  There is so much more along those lines.  But it is over in my mind....I have given up.  But I think that is what God wanted.  I'm still willing to do what He wants.

So, either God will bring us together again (after seperation) or we'll go our seperate ways for good.  I am so worn down by all this....like I said, only God could change us in order to live peacefully together. 
It seems like when I say something, she says the exact opposite and opposes me.  Time and time again.  There is zero agreement, and no peace.  (ME: "The sky is sure blue today"....HER: "NO IT'S NOT, WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!?!?!".... as she's yelling.... )   

I think that has been a huge factor in the marriage all along.  When I say black, she automatically says white, and I think she does it subconsciously.  Oh, well, I'm not getting into that.  Just feeling very worn out....and feeling pity for myself again as I see the happy couples in the neighborhood go for strolls, hand in hand....

Yes: God's plan, forgot that for a moment!     I have been praying and saying I'm willing to do what God wants, it's almost like a surrender.  I have been worn down, and now I'm beat and at His mercy....and at His mercy is where I want to be!  I just wish I wasn't so ornery lately, everything is making me upset....and I have ups and downs like crazy....

Life goes on, and in a lot of ways, crazy as it may seem, I am looking forward to moving on.  Hopefully debt will be gone, I'll have some peace and quiet, and time to reflect on life etc.  Work on music, my health (getting back in shape!)  and maybe writing a kids book....just something I've had in the back of my mind for awhile. 
Yes Gena, I think God wants me to know Him intimately; I used to have a superficial relationship, it has gotten better....refiner's fire!  J

[oneofthefew]

Hi Shmeggly,

I'm new to this forum and I just want to praise God for your life!!!

It's just awesome and amazing how even the "bad", the "worst", the "evil" and whatever name we may call that unpleasant or "hell-like" experience we have CAN have an effect and impact AS GOOD, as REFRESHING, as LIFE-CHANGING (or even more) as when we just talk about the "good" things. 

This is indeed the work of an all-wise, all-knowing GOD who is able to responsibly use ALL things (good or bad) for His glorious purposes.

God be with you.

oneofthefew