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My own private hell
eggi:
God be with you James!
We are here for you when you need us!
God bless you,
Eirik
Bradigans:
I am so ashamed of myself for something I posted over in general discussions cut of my hand thread. I'll quote it here.
--- Quote ---I don't know what to say anymore, besides i feel you. I'm an extremely raunchy person who's beginning to lose hope. Galatians 5:5 - For we through the Spirit (i believe this is speaking of through THE WORD John 6:63) wait for the hope of righteousness by faith.I've been seeking and searching for so long through the Word, that it's kind of discouraging to still have these same old evil desires popping up. I haven't acted out on any of them in years due to for some reason not being able to. But, the desires are still here tormenting the hell out of me. I know the fulfillment of them isn't the answer, but is living like this (in torment) the answer? It's keeping me depressed, and it feels like something on the inside of me is under attack. I keep hoping that it's God pruning me (John 15:2, Hebrews 12:4-13). Everyday has been hell for me lately. I mean it's very dark. I don't care how sunny it is outside, it's dark. I hope God will just take me. I've experienced that deep down peace and satisfaction that Ray speaks of, but where does it go. Am i bipolar?
Keep me in you alls prayers. I feel isolated and have no one to talk to. These are very dark days for me. I just want to disappear, and i wish it was like i never was. I've got these little ones to think about though. I'm so ashamed of this letter.
--- End quote ---
I had just posted that, and browsing decided to check out testimonies/prayers requests/fellowship threads. That when i saw this private hell thread. It's amazing what folks are going through, and I'm complaining. Keep me in your prayers.
Shmeggly:
Bradigans, don't be ashamed....there is no reason too. People go through many different things, and handle them differently too. I have felt bad because I know other people are going through worse things, but handle them better than I do. But that is ok....that is who I am and where I'm at.
It's the same for you. Cut yourself some slack :)! Realize you can't do anything in your own strength, but to keep praying and asking for help. I have felt pretty much over the years as you have described....wondering why I couldn't change or be different, or why I had to struggle so much. I never felt like a Christian, never wanted to read the bible or pray. And I was a worship leader! Talk about feeling guilty and conflicted! Now I have learned to cut myself some slack, and realize God is working in me. (BUT HURRY UP GOD!!! :D)
I too have struggled with things over the years....and was never delivered from them. I don't know if this trial is a part of that, because it seems to have changed those parts of me....but even today I am struggling, and had a few huge fights with my wife, some of the worst we've ever had. I finally said...."I thought that there might be some hope for us, but this (the fights) just confirms that I am not the one to love you..." (this is of course after she has told me repeatedly she doesn't want to be married to me, is leaving etc etc.) It hurt so much to fight with her, even if I thought or was justified. There never is a winner....
What I was saying is....I thought that God was telling me things (and maybe He was) and I thought I was the best person to love and take care of my wife. But the fights today just proved that I have a long way to go; I said hurtful things and was not who I should be. I am hard on myself though....I think I have had the patience of Job, but a man can only handle so much.
So....today, I am just throwing myself on God's mercy, and literally saying "I submit to Your will, and will do what You want me to do....sorry for acting angry and unloving towards my wife. Sorry for my mind straying into areas it shouldn't....etc etc. Keep in mind when I am doing this, it is like a fight to do it. My whole being wants to just rebel; but I am making the choice of submitting. I hope this makes sense.
Today has been hell....but I have given the whole thing up to God....the house is for sale, we are packing for our seperate places (which we haven't got yet) and my wife has never veered once from saying I am the reason she's leaving, or reconsidering leaving. She is determined....yet still hurting and willing to talk about things.
Just remember, eveyone handles different situations differently! What one person perceives as "no big deal", to another it can be life altering.
Anyway, I hope things go well for you Bradigans, and I will pray for you....I mean that....from someone going through their own private hell....James
Bradigans:
1 Peter 1:7 - That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.2 Corinthians 4:17-18 - For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.
God bless you dear brother. You've truly encouraged me. I hope the above has to you. I'm trying my best to stay focused on THE WORD.
gmik:
It is 1:23 in the AM!!!!
You both will be in my heart and prayers! I will use 1 2 3 as my trigger to remember you in prayer.
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