My own private hell

[Shmeggly]

I am changing (for the better) in the midst of this....I am coming to realize how much I have hurt my wife over the years, and how she has held onto those hurts....she remembers each one like it happened yesterday.  I say this because today brought up some of those times. 

I trully feel sorry for the things I've done over the years; I don't know if I really would have understood it before all this happened.  It's almost like finding Ray's site: you know that moment when your eyes are opened, and you wonder how you didn't understand things all along. 

So, in alot of ways, this whole thing IS for the better; and I hope my wife finds healing through it too.  I know I want too.  Even if we never are together again, I will be thankful for God changing my heart, and opening my eyes.  And that is not easy to say, considering how my day has gone....but I won't go into that!

Thanks for everyone who read this, and those who helped, and I hope that this maybe helped someone in their own time of hell. 

Hey oneofthefew:  glad you posted!  Regardless of how this all turns out...my life has been changed for the better in a way that probably never would have happened otherwise, so for that I am grateful.  Today was despair, mixed with sorrow and asking God for forgiveness for the past.  But I am thankful for what He is doing in my life....I hope you continue to post and share on this forum....take care...James

[dogcombat]

Here's the "My Selfish Prayers" thread

http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,3218.0.html

Ches

[Deborah-Leigh]

Hello Shmeggly

You posted something to me in the Forum a week or two back, that the Lord used to lift me up and encourage me when I was feeling isolated and lonely. For the next day or two after that, your Forum name kept circling in my mind with waves of joy and innocence! Shmeggly Shmeggly...

Your testimony that began this thread prompts me to disclose that the Lord used you to lift me up when I needed it. HE does not always to everyone, tell what He is doing or how HE is working but HE IS working all things for good to those who love Him, and most of the time this work feels as if it is painful and distressing at best and awful, excruciating desperately agonising at worst.

Ray calls it Lemons. Ray also assures us that God makes the Lemons and the Lemonade. The Lemonade is GOOD!

May God continue to bless you in your needs.

Peace be to you

Arcturus

[Shmeggly]

Thanks Ches....I just read the thread! 

Arcturus:  thanks for your words of encouragement!  I'm glad if I have encouraged you in any way....that is something I sincerely want to do: lift people up and encourage. 

You're right; and God is not showing me how He is working....that is what's hard.  But then I have to just put my absolute trust in Him, and be content no matter the circumstances...which is NOT easy! 

I do however, catch glimpses of Him at work in our lives; His handiwork and just a whisper of why this is happening.  Then it's gone, and I wonder if I imagined it.  There have been days of hope, followed by days of despair; I think God wants me stable regardless of what's happening....there is a lot that I believe I need dealt with, and it seems to be happening.  My wife too....

So thanks for all the encouragement....and your prayers. 

I hope things are going better for you Arcturus; I haven't had much time to read posts lately.  But I hope to have the time soon....take care and may the peace of God be on you; I really mean that!  J

[gmik]

Good reminder Ches!!  I loved that!

[Deborah-Leigh]

Yes Ches

A timeous reminder at that!

Carnality does PRESCRIBE to God what He should do!

By contrast THANKS shows His Blessed Wisdom Knowledge and Understanding beginning to unfold in our hearts as He authors our faith through His Will and control over our circumstances.

Peace to you

Arcturus

[mari_et_pere]

Wow James my heart goes out to you man! I went through a similar situation with my wife last summer.

I just typed half the story but I deleted it just now. But I feel for you. I used an exhaustive amount of patience and realized that the end result would be whatever God had planned, and proved my love for her even though she had lied so much, and eventually all turned out good.

I can't tell you what to do, but that's what I did.

I hope it all turns out in your favor.

Matt

[gmik]

Good to hear from ya Matt!!

I didn't realize you had a rough patch last year.  I hope she realized what a catch you are (on all levels!).

[cjwood]

Hello Shmeggly

You posted something to me in the Forum a week or two back, that the Lord used to lift me up and encourage me when I was feeling isolated and lonely. For the next day or two after that, your Forum name kept circling in my mind with waves of joy and innocence! Shmeggly Shmeggly...

Your testimony that began this thread prompts me to disclose that the Lord used you to lift me up when I needed it. HE does not always to everyone, tell what He is doing or how HE is working but HE IS working all things for good to those who love Him, and most of the time this work feels as if it is painful and distressing at best and awful, excruciating desperately agonising at worst.

Ray calls it Lemons. Ray also assures us that God makes the Lemons and the Lemonade. The Lemonade is GOOD!

May God continue to bless you in your needs.

Peace be to you

Arcturus

hello arcturus,
in reading through your reply to shmeggly i was so uplifted by your reminder (per ray) that God makes the lemons and the lemonade.  i have to remind myself of that 24/7 it seems lately in my own gehenna flames here on earth.  just wanted to thank you (thank God for working thru you) by reminding me of the lemons and lemonade coming from the same Source.

sincerely,
claudia

[Shmeggly]

It is amazing how many people are going through stuff....and especially couples.  Being married is not easy, and I thought I knew it all.  I was arrogant and prideful. (even though humble in a lot of ways, I had things that needed to be dealt with)

Matt, I'm glad things worked out for you.  I feel God has told me to love my wife unconditionally among other things, but He has not given me any guarantee how this will turn out.  It would be a miracle.  She has never wavered in saying she's leaving me.  I also feel that I have hurt her deeply over the years through ignorance etc., and that all the other stress like finances, leaving the church, questioning faith, combined with a very some horrendous trauma earlier on in her life has brought us to this point. 

I have no hope, except in God.  I mean that, because my wife is so running from me.  Yet I know she cares, but has told me on different occasions that she is indifferent, does not love me, does not want to be married to me anymore, etc.  Yet she will still cry when we talk, and when things get too close to home, she says she doesn't want to go down that road anymore.  I know she is hurting....man, I just want to love her the way she deserves and take care of her. 

I'm sorry because I've said some of this before, but it trully is a nightmare from which I don't wake up.  I think that almost everyday.  I also am trying to submit to God, and not be selfish, and just be satisfied with Him.  I don't know if I'm wrong for wanting to still be married....I am so confused, and stressed.  I know I need to just rely on God, but it is easier said than done.  I feel sick alot of the time due to the overwhelming stress (not just my wife but financial etc.)...anyway. 

I have always desired a close relationship with God, and wanted to serve Him as best as possible.  I want to please Him, and not sin.  I may not be making sense cause I'm tired, but that is my desire.  And to have my family restored, selfish though it may be. 

I feel really happy when I hear about people for whom things have worked out.  Thank you for sharing that.  James

[keys2heaven]

Wow, that's some heavy stuff. I have two teenage daughters and I worry about them having a MySpace page.

I know alot of scripture has been posted, but I wanted to talk to you about your past. It would appear from your posts that both you and your wife have suffered very serious emotional damage prior to your marriage; damage that goes way back to childhood.

Why did you chose each other? What made you attracted to the other person? Did you feel a closeness to your wife because you both share pain in your childhood? I would venture to say that these emotions that have been undealt with for so long (from both of you) are screaming for resolution.

Have you talked with anyone? Marriage counselor? I know that God can do anything and restores broken marriags all the time. But, reading your posts, I am worried for your family and kids. Please, seek out professional help. The drinking is a problem and these kids will emulate what they see you doing. Do let them get caught up in this viscious cycle.

Praying for you,

Mike

[Deborah-Leigh]

24/7 lemons and lemonade hey Claudia!

Me to, me to!

Peace to you

Arcturus

[cjwood]

24/7 lemons and lemonade hey Claudia!

Me to, me to!

Peace to you

Arcturus

i wanted to thank you for the scripture ref of luke 8:16.  that is the scripture i was trying to remember in one of my posts about the fact that ever since i found out about my husband's infidelity this past december, that i had started hiding that Light in me underneath the vessel of accomodating my husband in order to try and keep him wanting me.  my faith and belief in God was one of the points that my husband used against me to the other woman.  i am so very ashamed that i treated my loving Father and my loving brother Jesus that way.  but when i hid my Light is when God showed me His jealousy and i am so very grateful that He loves me so much that He would NOT allow me to hide what He had lit in me anymore.  it was then that He showed me the spiritual prison i was in and that only His Son could bring me out.  so again, thanks arcturus for the scripture ref. 

here is a toast to you with His lemonade,
claudia

[Shmeggly]

Hey Mike.  Just to reply to your post....

I don't know why we ended up together, except it was meant to be.  And I don't mean as a match made in heaven, it was just meant to be, and it happened. 

No, we've never dealt with our pasts, and yes, it seems like most people  don't get miraculously healed of their pasts without dealing with them.  I am seeing someone right now for counselling, and today was my first day with this person.  (I saw another person once, but didn't want to really go back).  I felt this new one was a lot better, and I felt good after seeing her....and I made an appointment for next week.  This was after an emotional morning of talking with my wife about our relationship....more stuff coming out.  She might as well have hit me with a two by four; I was emotionally beaten. 

Then, after coming home from the counsellor, and actually feeling some sort of hope for my life, we end up fighting because I brought up a question, and it got blown WAY WAY out of porportion....it's like I can't voice any opinion or anything....my kids or wife can do something wrong, I start talking,  they all take sides against me, I start getting upset and then: IT BECOMES ABOUT ME GETTING UPSET!  My son could have hit my daughter in the head with a bat, but if I start raising my voice, then I'm the bad guy!  I feel so powerless and helpless:  I literally feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone....and in trying to get my point across, and to let her know how at the end of my rope I was, I made my wife cry and I didn't want that. 

My cousellor actually made me feel like I wasn't crazy; I am so sick of feeling like I am the bad guy all the time.  I have made mistakes, and I have not been perfect, but I admit to that and take responsibility for what I've done.  Nobody else seems to want to admit they're ever wrong....

Today was one of the worst days of my life.  My counsellor (after hearing the story of my childhood and current life) was shaking her head!  But she offered hope and I could tell she was engaged in our interaction. 

Anyway....man.  I am beat.  I don't want to make my wife upset, I don't want to be upset, I just want some peace.  I just want some respect, and to be able to have an opinion.  I feel like I am talking Chinese on an alien planet!  Does anybody else ever feel like this? 

[Harryfeat]

Hey James,

I have been truly moved by your posts and wanted to say that I am with you.  I hope that sharing a post with you can somehow lighten your pain but I know it is up to Him.

One lesson I have learned is that you can't always avoid upsetting people.  For example, telling someone you love them can be upsetting to them.  All you can do is trust that God has set you on the right path and will help you to resolve your seemingly overpowering situation. 

be blessed
feat

[seminole]

It is always amazing to me that here on the forum, like at work, like in a church, like anywhere people are gathered, you never really realize that we all are carrying pain of some sort. It puts us on a common level doesn't it? I pray for all whether they have spoken of their pain or not. We know the pains are there. Nole

[keys2heaven]

Schmeggly:

Glad that you went and saw someone. Now you just need to get your wife there...somehow. She needs to talk to someone one on one. I don't think you two are at the point where you can both sit down and talk. You wife has some serious reflecting to do. I know about being meant for someone. My wife and I are that way. We were each others true first loves and we had to both go thru some real junk before we were reunited. Since that day, I've never left her side and I never will. She is my whole world.

Dealing with your past is sooooo essential. It's never too late and I'm very glad to know that you recognize this. Will it be painful, yes, but healing often is. I am very concerned about your wife's apparent self-destructing behavior. I can sort of understand why she might take it out on you. It's like dealing with teenagers. For example, I'm often the "bad guy" in my house because I believe in guildelines and rules, etc.. When I have to enforce something, then my daughters throw a fit, scream and tell. Do I feel like a piece of garbage, you bet. But, I read somewhere that kids do this to the one's they love because, believe it or not, they feel safe in expressing their emotions. So, in a wierd way, having them yell at me sorta lets me know that I'm o.k. and they do love me.

It's going to seem like 3 against 1. You're not powerless. Remain calm best you can. Your family is going to push your buttons on purpose. You're the one getting help, so they probably think to themselves that you're the one with the problem and they are "normal". But, they could be testing you to see if you are actually improving. Maybe if you show them that you can control your temper, then they will take note. Either that or they are going to keep on doing what they do. You can't make anyone see that they are wrong. It seems like most kids in my daughter's generation have a real problem with personal responsibility. I've lost track on how many times I've had to prompt them to apologize for yelling or fighting with their sister or even trying to get them to own up and confess when they've done something wrong. I want them to do this on their own without prompting, but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe my problem is that I expect it to be done immediately when maybe I just need to relax and see if it doesn't happen on its own.

You know what, I don't know how old your kids are, but there comes a point in their lives when you have to let them be responsible for their own actions and have them accept the consequences of them. And your wife needs to make a choice; keep on living this way knowing she could destroy her marriage and her life or get help.

This is the part where we Christians tell you to turn it over to God. I definitely don't want to make light of your situation, but God has foreknowledge of all of what is happening. Trust Him.

Good luck with the ongoing counseling. You're doing the right thing.

[Shmeggly]

Hey Mike, your post came at a much needed time.  I am feeling really badly about how I treated my wife today.  And the kids....I have been doing so well, and nobody does seem to notice, and I feel like I am very alone at times.

So much of what you said helped.  I know that my wife needs to speak to someone.  But when I asked her again today (nicely) if she would see this lady, she said "why? I'm fine..."   And after our fight today, I will not be suprised if she doesn't want to talk to me. 

Like I said, she has never wavered in saying she's leaving; has never given me hope in anyway.  Is she hurting, and would talking to someone help?  Yes, I really believe it would.  But it just doesn't seem to likely to happen. 

I'm the rules guy here too!  And things have gone to you know where after we left the church....and my wife had her meltdown.  She is very anti church/God , and is very very bitter about the church.  Because they have "kept her in the marriage" and always say to stick it out etc. 

I am almost at the point where I feel like God is not even there.  I admit it, I am very faithless.  And broken....past the breaking point.  That way today. 

I don't know what else to say.  I haven't been sleeping well, even with sleeping pills.  So I can't think very well.  I know I am tired of fighting, and hurting my wife's feelings, even after she walks all over me or degrades me....

I really appreciated your post Mike.  It sounds like my house. 

I keep wondering when it gets to the point where God steps in and helps?  What do I have to go through mentally for Him to help me?  Call it a lack of faith, but I have had enough already.  I wish I were stronger....and I have given up and called out to God.  I've done everything and anything to give up, submit, pray, beg, whine, cry and plead....and the heavens are brass.  I've tried to be "still and know", and you name it.  Is my frustration showing, because I surely feel it.  And I am tired....

And yet I will say even now....God forgive me....please help me....carry me through this, and forgive my lack of faith, my unbelief, and my selfishness...I'm just so tired and worn out.  Please pray for me....James

[Deborah-Leigh]

Hello Claudia

Thank you for your toast on lemonade....I am still being squeezed for the juice! Cheers!

We are all going through pain....some say and some don't....but all will be revealed!

Peace to you

Arcturus

[hillsbororiver]

This is definitely a "vicious reality" topic/thread, something we all have experienced to one degree or another.

Before discovering Bible Truths I believed that Revelation was a prophecy of future, literal events and I would blow around like a leaf in the wind when I was reading different authors as they attempted to explain and open up this book. It was pure confusion.

What a blessing when Ray opened up the Words of Revelation by describing it as a prophecy written to every believer in every generation, the trials and tribulations contained in Revelation has been fulfilled literally by some but even more importantly will be fulfilled spiritually by all either in this age or the next.

I have felt like I have been cast in a spiritual prison in the past, even the not so distant past and I will not be surprised if I am once again in that most uncomfortable place. The helpless, boxed in, no where to run feeling where our own mind can become our worst enemy.

Rev 2:10  Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days; be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.

Here are a few of paragraphs from; http://bible-truths.com/lake3.html

        Now I hope that none will be offended at my next few statements, but if so, so be it. Unless God Almighty through the purging power of His FIERY SPIRIT, is BURNING OUT the lusts and passions and vanity and haughtiness and greed and self-righteousness and laziness and weakness and hypocrisy and wickedness and pride and materialism and cynicism and depravity and carnality in your life, then Jesus Christ is not choosing you to reign with Him as the Sons of God in the Kingdom of God to bring all Heaven and Earth to repentance and salvation!

Such damnable character flaws of the mind and spirit are going to be burned out of us all! God will either BURN OUT these filthy impurities from our hearts and minds NOW, or He will BURN THEM OUT IN THE LAKE OF FIRE, but either way, make no mistake about it, THESE THINGS ARE COMING OUT!!!

JOHN THE BAPTIST: John the Baptist said that Jesus would be baptizing repentant believers with fire.

"I indeed baptize you with water unto REPENTANCE: but He that comes after me is mightier than I, Whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: He shall baptize you with the Holy Spirit, AND WITH FIRE" (Matt. 3:11).

JESUS CHRIST:

"For EVERY ONE [sinner and saint] shall be salted with FIRE" (Mark 9:49).

His Peace to you,

Joe