[I moved this post from another location to here. Dennis]
hello to you too duluthga. i have a sister named janice. spells is the same as you. i am new to the forum but have been studying ray's teachings for the past 2 yrs. i need your prayers and those from all my brothers and sisters on the forums because i am truly experiencing the trials / suffering on earth in my current situation. i cannot blame my husband only. i married him without asking more of the deeper questions regarding his belief in God and Jesus Christ. he told me just enough to reel me in. turns out he is a raging agnostic. i take responsibility for that error on my part. but, i always thought (via my "christian" mis-understanding) that if i lived a godly life i could be a "witness" of God's reality and love, but...we have been married 15 yrs. and were together 9 mths prior to the marriage. i had been a single mother for 13yrs. (one daughter) when i met him. i found out the day after Christmas ('06) that my husband was having an online webcam affair with a woman he met while he was working in Mauritania (west Africa). he is in the oil industry. works 28 days then home 28 days. i actually walked in our computer room and caught him online with her. i panicked at first because i have not been working for the past 5 yrs. was laid off in a downsizing situation with the company i was with and my husband said i could stay home and not work because he was making a good living to support us. in 2000 i had stage -0- breast cancer and had a lumpectomy and 8wks radiation. we moved into a new home right as i was finishing up the radiation treatment. i should have known our relationship was not what i thought it was during that stressful time because he didn't even go with me to my lumpectomy surgery. i would go to radiation treatments before going to work each morning for 8 wks. and he couldn't understand why i was so wiped out when i would come home from work. he was a teacher during those years. he has only been back in the oil field work for the past 3 yrs. had been in that kind of work before i met him in 1991. in 2004 my daddy died unexpectedly and i went through a depression during that time due to his death and due to my fibromyalgia / degenerative disc disease flare ups. my husband said that he just got tired of seeing me unable to wake up and pull myself up by my boot straps. i am a go getter, and have always hit the floor running when i would wake up each day. but, he could not even see that there was something very wrong going on with me, because i could not even wake up each morning before 11 am. i ended up having a sleep study done and found that i never enter the deep restorative stage of sleep, but stay in the dream stage almost all night. that is part of the fibromyalgia monster. but, instead of support or compassion i got ridicule and resentment. i still managed to have sex with him as often as i could, which was not a bad average considering the health issues i was experiencing. but it was never enough. he was getting heavier into porn online even though he promised me he would not. once when he was overseas i had to take our laptop in for servicing because it became so infected with viruses from all the porn sites. after i found out about the affair i tried to "accomodate" him in every way because fear had me by the neck. but, then God opened my eyes and i started understanding that i had been in an emotional, spiritual prison that only Jesus had the keys to get me out of. i had even quit studying ray's teachings after finding out about the affair because my being a believer was one of the things my husband had ridiculed me about to the other woman. i cried out to God one night, when my husband had gone back over seas, and confessed that i had been such a fool and that i had been depending on my husband to meet my needs rather than Him. i had always been confused how to work out respecting my husband as the head of our marriage, when he didn't even believe in God. the scripture about unequally yoking myself to an unbeliever echoed in my mind many many times during our marriage, but, i thought it could still work. i was so very wrong. anyway, i repented of turning away from my first love, Jesus Christ, and asked God to guide me to do His will in my marriage. i had never allowed myself to be angry at my husband for the infidelity, but little by little, the resentment and bitterness crept in and i knew it would destroy me if i didn't confront it. my husband had even sent me an email about 2 mths after i found out about his affair, saying that he felt we should "cut our losses" and that he should ride that wave and see what was on the other side, because if he didn't get out of the marriage then that he might never do it. of course, it was after i read that email that i started accomodating his every wish because i was so scared of loosing my financial support and all that involves. believe it or not he said that by taking "baby steps" we could possibly stay together (and all because i was giving him sex when and where he wanted it). the night i was crying out to God for help, i understood how superficial our marriage was because my husband based everything on the sex. i realized that the marriage was a sham and that i was a fool for allowing myself to be treated with such disrespect. it was after i listened to one of ray's audio tapes on marriage and love that God truly opened up my eyes. i had tried for 15 yrs to be a loving, affectionate, sensual wife, contributing to our fianancial situation for the first 11 yrs. and still trying to make a home for us. the relationship between my husband and my daughter (from my previous marriage) is a whole other story. my husband did not know how to be a father. i had been pregnant with his child after the 2nd yr of our marriage but miscarried the baby. he never ever spoke of the miscarriage or tried to show any support for the loss. anyway, God started showing me that i needed to get honest with myself and admit that i was not happy with the marriage, especially in light of the affair and with my husband continuing the communication with the other woman after promising me he had stopped. so after my husband came home from nigeria at the beginning of june i told him i was not happy. the week before he came home, i had to be taken to the emergency room with a fever of 103.9. turns out i was trying to pass a kidney stone which got lodged and wouldn't pass. everything above the blockage started ballooning out and getting toxic. i was in the hospital for 2 1/2 days and left with a stent in place. they couldn't surgically try to remove the stone because of the infection that had built up. (i never knew there was any pain worse than natural child birth, boy was i wrong!) my sister emailed my husband who was still in africa to tell him what had happened. he did call me the night before i left the hospital, but he appeared to be more affected by the fact that we couldn't have sex til the stent was removed, than he was about me even being in the hospital. by this time you would think i wouldn't be surprised by his reaction, but i was. i got out of the hospital late monday and he came home on thursday. after 2 days had gone by with not so much as a hug or kiss from him i finally told him we needed to talk. that was when i told him i had been doing a lot of thinking and that i was not happy. i told him i was ready to give him the divorce he had wanted. so, that is where we are at. he went back to africa the beginning of july and will be coming back home the first of august. i having been moving his stuff into the spare bedroom and have begun packing away his things. he asked me to wait on filing for the divorce until we have paid off a couple of debts, which should be done by the end of this year. my daughter is getting married this coming new year's eve. i never ever thought that i would be filing for divorce the same year my daughter would be getting married. but all in all, i see know that God had been working His plan for me all of these years. He knew all along how my marriage would end up, and He knew i needed to be humbled and shown that i was turning my back on Him for a man that never truly loved me in the way that He set marriage up to be. i should not be surprised by any of this really. i mean, i married an unbeliever, what else should i have expected, right? but i loved him, and i thought the Light in me could show him the Way. but in studying ray's teachings i know understand that was not my responsiblity. only God can draw my husband to Himself. i asked my husband before he went back to africa last month if he ever thinks about God, especially now that he is getting older (he will turn 50 this coming january). he said no, he never even thinks about Him. never thinks about him at all. that blows me away. i cannot imagine living like that, never thinking about God. during our marriage i had attended church pretty regularly and my husband even went with me a few times. he even called me once from the rig he was working on to ask me to pray that he could figure out a major problem that was going on out there. that made me so happy. i actually thought maybe he was coming around to the truth of God and the power of prayer. but it turned out he only asked me to pray for him because he new i had an ongoing dialogue with God and thought it couldn't hurt to ask. but, all in all i know this is God's will. once i finally stood strong in my faith in God and His love for me as His child, and repented of not looking to Him and staying true to my first love, Jesus Christ, the burden of fear started to fall away. of course, some days i feel like i am on a roller coaster, but more and more i am getting stronger in my faith and understanding that God will take care of my needs, just like he always has, and always did when i was struggling as a single mom for all those years. i feel His arms around me and His Spirit guiding me. i smile now more than cry. i have an opportunity to work with my daughter and her fiancee in their family business, and God is very,very good at taking care of details. i can't believe i ever lost sight of that. but then again, He knew i was coming back to Him. and i can't even begin to thank Him enough for leading me to bible-truths and ray smith. okay. i know this post is way longer than i intended it to be. and it is way past my bedtime. so, thank you for taking the time to read through all of this. i look forward to learning more and more of the absolutely amazing truths in His scripture which He is showing us all through ray, and i look forward to meeting more and more of you on this forum.
love in Christ,
claudia
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Topic: My Story (Read 10149 times)