Hey Sorin, I too am here for you okay.
UncleBeau, I am a little more cautious with my thoughts on what God 'Wants' and what God 'purposes.' Sure, you can make the connection, that if one wants a car, then one will purpose their intent to obtain one; however, this is not the same as the parent who out of love, punishes their children for acting out, not because they really "want" to, but as a a loving parent, they are purposed to do so.
I am sure you have done many things that you did not want to. Is God any different? Please DO NOT take this anyother way than I am presenting it. Does anything happen outside of Gods purpose or will? But deep down do you really believe that God 'wants' the sadistic things that happen around the world each day.
Sorin, you said: 'I no longer believe there is a "God's plan" for our lives. Sure it's a comforting thought; but it's an illusion.'
I believe I understand where you are coming from. We are not robots, mindless droids, puppets or on train tracks. We are anything but; I also believe that if anyone "trys" to live up to God standards cannot by definition, because how can one attempt to do what God has purposed. It is a ludicrous ideal.
We are told:
Act 15:10 Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of the disciples a yoke that neither we nor our fathers have been able to bear?
Yet, we are also told:
Mat 6:30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, [shall he] not much more [clothe] you, O ye of little faith?
Sorin, my brother and friend; I implore you to trust God completely, listen to Him for you will hear / feel / know what He wants from you. There is not one here in this forum who has any idea of what God has planned for them in the next minute; it is not for us to know. As for finding the perfect person to marry, I believe happens very rarely. There are many marriages where the heart of one or both is leaning towards another. Do not give up my friend, hang in there. As for playing the field; if you do are you doing what God wants or what God purposes? Likewise if you do not, then are you doing what God wants or what God wills.
I will be the last person to condemn you Sorin for what ever choices you make, let go my friend and trust God with all you have. I am sure that doors will open for you than never existed before. I know they did for me.
Please PM me if you want to talk okay.
Love in Christ,
Darren