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[SandyFla]

<My apologies for this post, but I've just got to get it out...>

I don't know what is going to become of me. I have been looking for a job for over a year and have been unemployed for almost a month. Attempts to start my own business have met with failure. Everything I do meets with failure. Since losing my job, I have been at peace and have been trusting God for bright new start - until today. I just lost it. Totally lost it. I feel like I'm going to end up becoming a bag lady, and thoughts of suicide sound good. I even know how I will do it.

I keep thinking about James 1:6-7 that says, "But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord."

So, I guess, there's my answer.

But how can I stay positive and trust God 100% of the time when one thing after another fails? Plus, the feeling of utter hopelessness hits me so fast, I don't even see it coming. I can go from being happy and content one second, to utter despair the next. IN JUST ONE SECOND!!! How can I stop it from happening? I can't expect God to do anything for me if I have these shifting feelings, as the verses above state so clearly. So I might as well stop praying because it's a sham, and God knows it. How can He let me to fall into despair instantaneously, then expect me to "just snap out of it"? I CAN'T! It's a depression so deep and black, that I'm at the bottom before I have a chance to cry, "Lord, help me!" Why is God doing this to me? Maybe He does want me to kill myself. Maybe that is His will.

[brandon h]

"And we know all good things work together for those that love God, to them that are called accordong to his purpose"(Rom 8-28)

SandyFla,

Do you believe you are called according to his purpose? I have been in a position similar to yours. In fact, my wife has as well. Your doing fine, then it's one negative thought after another. But, wouldn't you know that I look back and realize that through those times God instilled in me the spirit to be a fighter. To never lose hope in him. And trust me, it's still tested, almost daily.

The plans he has for you are too deep for you to see right now, and as a brother in the Lord, I pray that you will pray and rebuke tose suicidal thoughts out of your head! He has not left you. He will never forsake you. You will be stronger through this. Your foundation is being shaken. Sons and daughters of the kingdom can't be weak at heart, so he tests us constantly. And while it feels like our world is falling apart, we are becoming stronger. Not because we feel it but because he makes us weak. When we are trained in stepping out in weakness, we are all the more closer to God. I hope my post titled"FINALLY, my brethren, rejoice in the Lord", will encourage you. But regardless you have a fellowship here that will be praying for you to stand strong in the Truth. Keep us updated on how you are, and don't entertain those thoughts that come from the evil one.

We are here for you

God Bless

[pylady]

Dear, dear sister,

Please, please do not do anything foolish.  You will be in my prayers, and I know in the prayers of every brother or sister who reads your post.  Please feel our arms around you to comfort you in the spirit.

I, too, have known depression.  Life sometimes brings us to our knees, where all we can do is cry out to our Lord for mercy.  And I have seen that while He does answer our prayers, most of the time it is not as fast as we would like it.
We want an immediate answer when we are suffering.  But we must TRUST,
TRUST, TRUST in Him to give us relief at just the right time.  It is so hard not to lean on our own understanding, but to blindly trust in Him.  But we must.

And, really, dear sister, do we know what our life will be like tomorrow? Something could change tomorrow, or everything could change we don't know.
We are blind to what each day will bring for us.  Tomorrow may be a wonderful day for you.  If not, maybe next week.  But it will come.

Please don't despair.  We know our Lord loves us - He suffered and died to prove His love.  And He has told us He knows what we need and will not abandon the righteous that seek Him.  He tell us not to be anxious about tomorrow, but just take care of today. 

One thing I noticed when I was feeling like you are now.  My thoughts were continually negative, and out of control.  Depression is literally all in our minds.
With prayer, and God's help we CAN control our thoughts.  I have learned (and I have always had  a tendency toward depression) that when I find myself spiralling down in my thoughts to immediately prayer for God's spirit for help to remove those thoughts from my mind.  Then I have to replace those negative thoughts with positive thoughts.  You may have to do this with almost every thought for awhile.  But you will find after you do this for awhile the demons in your mind will leave you in peace.   Reading the scriptures really helps!

But what helps most is to remember that this "experience of evil" which we call life is only our temporary life.  Meditate on what your future will be like in or under God's kingdom.  Think of all the people who have died who will have such wonderful stories to tell us, think of your ancestors you will get to meet.  Think of what wonderful work God may have planned for us to do.  Let your imagination take you there.  It helps to think of exciting and happy times. 

We cannot solve your financial problems for you.  But know that you are loved.
You will be in my prayers.  May our loving Father bring you relief soon.

With Christian love,

              Cindy

[DuluthGA]

I will be praying for you Sandy in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I feel you are being tried and will come through it strengthened with spiritual growth.  It will come, there is no doubt.   

I don't know about your personal situation or family or what support you may have, but if you don't have any support and cannot find a job in your area and you would consider relocating to the Atlanta area, there is a spare room at my house for your needs.

May God's purposes be quick!  Amen.
With Christian love,
Janice


 

[gmik]

REJOICE IN THE LORD, AGAIN I SAY REJOICE

Sandy my heart goes out to you, I hurt w/ you.  I take 2 different meds for depression/anxiety.  I know the depths it can take you.   BUT.....obey the Word!!!!  Fake it till its real.  Self talk ....

I CAN DO THIS.  THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD...HE IS FAITHFUL TO ME...HE WILL PROVIDE...I AM WORTHY AS A PERSON..SO MUCH SO THAT HE DIED FOR ME  etc etc  repeat your favorite passages...

I can't stress this enough  THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS...know you are not alone and cast down those imaginations..

and thank you so much for getting it out- there is nothing wrong w/ that..actually it can be quite good for you-like feeling better after throwing up!!

We love you and DON'T GIVE UP.

[Robin]

SandyFla,

I am praying for you.

I went through this. I know now it was in God's plan. I could not find a job to save my life. I was so depressed that I could not get up off the floor. The kids and I were hungry. It was right at the time when God was bringing me out of the church. We ate top ramen and beans for 6 months. I was so afraid. I already felt crazy because I couldn't find anyone who believed the way I did. All my friends at the church were treating me like I was crazy and putting me down.

It was a very hard time and I was seriously depressed. I was in a small apartment with no windows. It was above a catering business where I worked. The business went under and I found myself unemployed.

God was using all of this to separate me from carnal desires. It was all a part of the process. I can remember toward the end of it I felt Jesus call me as he had so many times before. It seemed so dark this time. I was afraid of where he was taking me. I asked him where we were going now? I immediately had the scripture come to mind that where I go you cannot follow. I then had a vision of Christ on the cross and really realized that he died for me. It was a personal experience and he showed me in a very personal way that he died for me. He also gave me a promise then that he would write his laws on my heart and gather me together with other believers. I went into the wilderness after that and didn't learn anything new for ten years. I went through so much grief. I missed God so much and he remained silent. I prayed for a teacher and here I am. He did gather me together with other believers and started teaching me again through Ray.

I felt suicidal many times because God took me to some very deep levels in order to heal me. There were times I was terrified. Most of the time I was very much alone. I can remember telling God I wasn't going to make it and he was going to have to carry me if I was going to survive. He did carry me and I did survive. He gave me a job after that and ten years later I did start my own business. I learned that I can do nothing and have nothing unless God allows it. Every meal is a gift.

God has to become our all. The only way he can do that is by stripping us of worldly things and separating us so we put our trust in him alone. It's a very painful process. The carnal mind does not want to die. Suicide is actually the last ditch effort for the carnal mind to save itself. It the last action of control. With God's grace we go beyond that. He overcame the world.

John 16:33
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Hebrews 12
 1Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

 2Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

3For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.


Matthew 19
27Then answered Peter and said unto him, Behold, we have forsaken all, and followed thee; what shall we have therefore?

 28And Jesus said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the regeneration when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

[Deborah-Leigh]

Dear Sandyfla

Now think about this for a minute.  I mean our judgment is now, we are before the judgment seat of Christ now, judgment is upon the House of God now (1Peter 4:17). http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,5312.0.html


It is not the Will of God that we self destruct. It might be in the Plan that we do such a thing but God's Will is life not death. I believe our  victory is not in this life but in the life to Resurrection and not the life of mortality or prosperity now. Why do you think God made it that we are born young and die old and not the other way around? We suffer age, and debilitation as we encounter the lessons of the spirit and loose hold on the dependencies of the flesh. We are God's Children. We have to loose so much and then finally die before we are raised again to life in Christ who has victory over all the despair and suffering that He too encountered in His life.

I know you say you have contemplated how you would kill yourself but I do not believe you are trying to die but live and can not find the way. Though you know how to end your life it is not life I believe you desire to end but the PAIN. It is the pain you want to end.  It is the pain you want to escape, not life. The pain, Sandy is proof positive of your share in the cross of Christ I believe.

Pain has a very clinical way of ending our carnality and showing us how weak we are. For some, I believe Jesus wants to reveal that truth and experience. It is a hideously difficult experience and one that can not be survived without His decree. He is the King of everything you are experiencing.
 
I believe if we carry the Cross of Christ He leads us to the point where we can truly from experience say, the life you live is not your own. The pain you experience is a share in His pain.We each, who are chosen, carry the cross of the lot in life that Jesus knows is best for our advancement into His Kingdom. He is not a cruel God. He is sharing with you the suffering He has known and this is your bond with the King of Glory not in this life but in the one to come God Willing.

There is nothing you/we can do without Him.

His Plan may appear like death, BUT His Will is LIFE not as we know life but as HE knows it.

I hope this has lifted you just a breath of the time taken for you to read this Sandyfla. Pain is beyond anything we can fully comprehend. It will take the Life of Christ to bring us all through His Plans. He shares the intimacy of His Cross with very few I believe. Non can endure save those He equips.

He is changing your priorities. He is changing your attachments. He is changing your dependencies. He is changing your conclusions. He is doing the same job on all of His children. In the unity of His Cross we are on the way to His Kingdom that no job can buy and no comfort of earth can match.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. Romans 15:13

Peace to you sister

Arcturus

[Robin]

I've been praying for you today Sandyfla.

Please check in when you can. Talking about it helps.

Hugs,
MG

[DuluthGA]

Still praying and waiting to hear from ya...



With love,
Janice

[Redbird]

Dear Sandy,

Several years back, when I was feeling betrayed, heartache, sorrow and pain, and mostly like a failure, I ran across this poem;

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.  I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring you moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayel and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, everyday, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!".
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I hope this speaks to you as it did me.  It reminds me of what is important.  We have to love ourselves, because.....We are to LOVE THE LORD OUR GOD and OUR NEIGHBOR AS OURSELVES.  Now, we can't do that too well, if we don't learn to love ourselves..... as God is creating us in his image.

Prayers are with you, Lisa

[neeter]

Sandy,

It is now Monday. Hopefully things are looking up from last week. Killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have been in that pit also.  2 years ago something happened, and I missed 6 days of work, unable to stop crying and unable to do anything. It was months before I could make it through a day dry-eyed....depression is a tough thing, you can't just "snap out of it"....and it doesn't just go away. Medicine helps...... i don't know if you have been to your doctor, but i started going through "the change" early (at age 46) and that can really mess with your head 

Here I am babbling on.......You are in my prayers............DON'T GIVE UP.......YOU CAN WIN!!!!!!!!!!!

[neeter]

      

Sandy..............where are you??? it's tuesday.........

[gmik]

Yes, please check in w/ us.  I know we all gave you loads of reading on this thread. Please let us know how you are doing.  If you don't I will think the "wrong thing".  Please don't let me think that!!!

You are loved and wanted here!!!

[Shmeggly]

SandyFla: 

Please hang in there!!!  I have just gone through depression exactly like you described....just blackness, and utter hopelessness.  I couldn't believe how bad it could get, and then it got worse!!! I laid in bed for days, crying and just hurting, and thinking of a reason not to kill myself.  I really didn't want to do that, I just didn't want to live with the pain anymore.

I'm telling you, I cried out to God (with anger, rage, pain etc) for real...and I still felt like I was dying...but somewhere along the line, I started to feel hope again.  And you know what, God could handle my anger, bitterness etc....He really is a loving Dad.  (I am a loving Dad, so I try to equate Him as a Dad!  But so much better...) 

I have been to the counsellor, doctor, been on antidepressants (quit because they made me sick tired weak and an insomniac!) and am still in the midst of the battle.  But somewhere in there, God gave me hope, and even though some days I feel myself drifting into hopeless thoughts, I can now stop thinking about them, and start to pray, which I never used to do.  I always gave up....

I just want to encourage you, and to let you know that I really do understand what utter hopelessness and blackness is all about.  And wondering where God is.  And wanting to die.  You are not alone....so please take care of yourself. 
I wish I could do something more for you...something practical, like a job etc....but I'm in Canada and I don't think you'd want to live somewhere this cold!!!  And in the middle of nowhere..

I too wondered if God wanted me to kill myself, but He did not and does not!!!  Please realize that.  It is not in His plan.  You will get through this, and you will be stronger than you've ever thought you could be.  You will be used by God...nobody can reach people and really understand the broken and hurting, until they've gone through something, like M.G. or some of the other people on here. 

I hope we hear from you soon...please PM me if you get a chance....James

[DuluthGA]

Sandy if I remember correctly, in a recent post about counting how many times Jesus spoke of heaven versus hell, you worked up a study paper on it and offered a copy to anyone who so desired... and I had asked you for a copy.... and because you were away for awhile it took several days for you to send me a copy, which was great, thank you.

I can only hope you are "away" for a few days again and that all is well.



It will be good to hear from you when you return.

Bye and love, 
Janice

[hillsbororiver]

Hi Sandy,

Dear Sister I was hoping you would have checked back with us by now, many of us have been in that dark and lonely place you presently find yourself in, you have many brothers and sisters who are concerned about you and that are praying for you Sandy.

I won't bore you with a long story but I have been on the brink of just giving up, having nowhere to call home, no money, no job and being alone can do that to a person especially when you don't even have a knowledge of the Lord and His "bizarre" (to our minds) way of dealing with us as He molds us in His image. Our Lord felt the same (and worse) misery during His walk here too, He wanted to give up in despair (let this cup pass) but following the will of His Father prevailed over His heartache and dire circumstances, He overcame and through Him so will you.

Sandy I live right up the road from you in Tampa, perhaps you could contact me in regard to some sort of employment as I have many contacts in this part of the state. Please PM me in regard to this.

His Peace and Love to you Sister,

Joe
   

[Ward]

Sandy:

I can't expect God to do anything for me if I have these shifting feelings, as the verses above state so clearly. So I might as well stop praying because it's a sham, and God knows it.

You got that right! God knows it! And it was exactly what he planned before you were even conceived.

Remember this...  Our prayers are not for God's benefit.  They are for ours.  He knows exactly what we need.  Remember the verses about the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.  Your prayers are not a surprise to God.  He is not disappointed in them or you.  Your comments about these prayers say one very strong thing to me.  They are working.  Not for what you had in mind, but for what God Willed.  You've noticed that they are nothing but a sham.  Well done...  God's Will is going to come about.  Your prayers don't change this.  Maybe that is too hard to accept, but it is true.

Why is God doing this to me? Maybe He does want me to kill myself. Maybe that is His will.

If your guess as to God's Will is true, can *you* do anything to overcome His Will?  (Answer Hint: NOPE!)  Can you add or take away even one nanosecond from the life that God has made for you? (Answer Hint: See previous hint)  Is any of this a 'Good thing'? (Answer Hint: Absolutely Yes!)

Maybe what I have written sounds harsh.  I really do care deeply about you.  I care deeply about all of the members and readers here.  But this life (age) is not meant to be comfortable.  Thankfully, it is only the tinest portion of deathlessness that we will ultimately be given.  It will have taught you (and each person) much, but it is nothing more than 'the blink of an eye' in reality.

By the way... If this life was full of comfort and ease, what would we have learned?  With the weak hearts we have started out with I think that a life of comfort and ease would breed much evil and sin.

So what is this life for?  Well, I don't claim to know any more than anybody else, but there is one obvious reason for this life.  To come to the ultimate truth, God is God.  Every aspect of this life is known by God.  When He caused you to exist He really did predestine and foreknow exactly how every single second of your life would be.  And there is a good reason for every one of those seconds. Even if we are too blind to see them at this time.

Just in case... That doesn't mean that I am telling you that you should just 'do nothing.'  To be blunt, you can't.  I'm not telling you that you should quit praying.  Instead, keep noticing what you are praying.  Is it for your will or His? 

Sandy, *my* will is that you would receive some comfort right now, but it is His that will be done.  I will be praying for your comfort, but mostly I will be thanking God for the fact that you are a part of this forum, this church.  And for all that He has given us all, thru you.

Hope some of this makes sense,

\/\/ard

[pylady]

Sandy,

Just wanted to add my voice to those who are hoping to hear from you.
Please know you have many friends who are praying for you.

With love,

              Cindy

[Rene]

Sandy,

I pray that you are being strengthened to endure your trials.  It is not easy to be longsuffering, but it is a fruit of God's Spirit and He can bless you to receive it.  Keep on praying!

Peace and His grace to you.

Rene'

[javajoe]

Hello everybody,  I am new to this forum.

I read Sandy's post and I can totally identify what she is going through.  I do through depression a lot, even having thoughts of suicide at times. 

Sandy, Here is a one of my favorite scriptures.  During those dark times, I believe God has a purpose for my good and His will:

Romans 8: 28:  And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose

Hope that helps.

Joe