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Utter despair

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Robin:
SandyFla,

I am praying for you.

I went through this. I know now it was in God's plan. I could not find a job to save my life. I was so depressed that I could not get up off the floor. The kids and I were hungry. It was right at the time when God was bringing me out of the church. We ate top ramen and beans for 6 months. I was so afraid. I already felt crazy because I couldn't find anyone who believed the way I did. All my friends at the church were treating me like I was crazy and putting me down.

It was a very hard time and I was seriously depressed. I was in a small apartment with no windows. It was above a catering business where I worked. The business went under and I found myself unemployed.

God was using all of this to separate me from carnal desires. It was all a part of the process. I can remember toward the end of it I felt Jesus call me as he had so many times before. It seemed so dark this time. I was afraid of where he was taking me. I asked him where we were going now? I immediately had the scripture come to mind that where I go you cannot follow. I then had a vision of Christ on the cross and really realized that he died for me. It was a personal experience and he showed me in a very personal way that he died for me. He also gave me a promise then that he would write his laws on my heart and gather me together with other believers. I went into the wilderness after that and didn't learn anything new for ten years. I went through so much grief. I missed God so much and he remained silent. I prayed for a teacher and here I am. He did gather me together with other believers and started teaching me again through Ray.

I felt suicidal many times because God took me to some very deep levels in order to heal me. There were times I was terrified. Most of the time I was very much alone. I can remember telling God I wasn't going to make it and he was going to have to carry me if I was going to survive. He did carry me and I did survive. He gave me a job after that and ten years later I did start my own business. I learned that I can do nothing and have nothing unless God allows it. Every meal is a gift.

God has to become our all. The only way he can do that is by stripping us of worldly things and separating us so we put our trust in him alone. It's a very painful process. The carnal mind does not want to die. Suicide is actually the last ditch effort for the carnal mind to save itself. It the last action of control. With God's grace we go beyond that. He overcame the world.

John 16:33
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Hebrews 12
 1Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

 2Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

3For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.


Matthew 19
27Then answered Peter and said unto him, Behold, we have forsaken all, and followed thee; what shall we have therefore?

 28And Jesus said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the regeneration when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

Deborah-Leigh:
Dear Sandyfla

Now think about this for a minute.  I mean our judgment is now, we are before the judgment seat of Christ now, judgment is upon the House of God now (1Peter 4:17). http://forums.bible-truths.com/index.php/topic,5312.0.html


It is not the Will of God that we self destruct. It might be in the Plan that we do such a thing but God's Will is life not death. I believe our  victory is not in this life but in the life to Resurrection and not the life of mortality or prosperity now. Why do you think God made it that we are born young and die old and not the other way around? We suffer age, and debilitation as we encounter the lessons of the spirit and loose hold on the dependencies of the flesh. We are God's Children. We have to loose so much and then finally die before we are raised again to life in Christ who has victory over all the despair and suffering that He too encountered in His life.

I know you say you have contemplated how you would kill yourself but I do not believe you are trying to die but live and can not find the way. Though you know how to end your life it is not life I believe you desire to end but the PAIN. It is the pain you want to end.  It is the pain you want to escape, not life. The pain, Sandy is proof positive of your share in the cross of Christ I believe.

Pain has a very clinical way of ending our carnality and showing us how weak we are. For some, I believe Jesus wants to reveal that truth and experience. It is a hideously difficult experience and one that can not be survived without His decree. He is the King of everything you are experiencing.
 
I believe if we carry the Cross of Christ He leads us to the point where we can truly from experience say, the life you live is not your own. The pain you experience is a share in His pain.We each, who are chosen, carry the cross of the lot in life that Jesus knows is best for our advancement into His Kingdom. He is not a cruel God. He is sharing with you the suffering He has known and this is your bond with the King of Glory not in this life but in the one to come God Willing.

There is nothing you/we can do without Him.

His Plan may appear like death, BUT His Will is LIFE not as we know life but as HE knows it.

I hope this has lifted you just a breath of the time taken for you to read this Sandyfla. Pain is beyond anything we can fully comprehend. It will take the Life of Christ to bring us all through His Plans. He shares the intimacy of His Cross with very few I believe. Non can endure save those He equips.

He is changing your priorities. He is changing your attachments. He is changing your dependencies. He is changing your conclusions. He is doing the same job on all of His children. In the unity of His Cross we are on the way to His Kingdom that no job can buy and no comfort of earth can match.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. Romans 15:13

Peace to you sister

Arcturus :)

Robin:
I've been praying for you today Sandyfla.

Please check in when you can. Talking about it helps.

Hugs,
MG

DuluthGA:
Still praying and waiting to hear from ya...



With love,
Janice

Redbird:
Dear Sandy,

Several years back, when I was feeling betrayed, heartache, sorrow and pain, and mostly like a failure, I ran across this poem;

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.  I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring you moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayel and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, everyday, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!".
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I hope this speaks to you as it did me.  It reminds me of what is important.  We have to love ourselves, because.....We are to LOVE THE LORD OUR GOD and OUR NEIGHBOR AS OURSELVES.  Now, we can't do that too well, if we don't learn to love ourselves..... as God is creating us in his image.

Prayers are with you, Lisa

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