I am just so confused. If you all will just hear me out with an open heart, I'll try my best to tell my story and ask for advice. I really need some guidance.
As a child i always felt different. I had crushes on female teachers.( If you can't tell by my nic name, I am a woman). In high school, I had a crush on my best friend. When I got brave enough to tell her how I felt, she dumped me. I was very very hurt . I didn't know what to do, so I just covered the pain with booze and went wild with a group of people I felt comfortable with; gays and lesbians........including the bar scene. I was raised in a Baptist chuch in the south, so I was taught to believe it was wrong.
I joined the service at age 21, and "got saved" in an Assembly of God missionary church while overseas. There was a genuine change in my life. I worked hard to rid myself of the feelings I had. I prayed, I was anointed with oil, I had "demons" cast out. I did everything I could think of...therapy, hypnosis , trying to date men (who only seemed to be interested in being intimate, which i could NOT handle) At age 32 i finally just tried IT just to see what it was like.........not a good idea. So I figured I would just be celibate. I did that until about 6 years ago (15 years alone).......I was miserable, lonely, depressed.............
I met someone. She was nice...we were together 4 years. It was nice to have a significant other, until she had an affair and left me.A few years ago, I found Ray's website and it opened my eyes to a lot of false teaching I had learned. I sit here some nights and read until 5 or 6 am (I work 2nd shift). I just joined the forum a week or so ago, and I was looking for anything that had been written about it. All I found was a few emails.
I am in a situation now and have been praying for guidance ,and low and behold, Ray's latest paper is on just the subject I looking for.
I don't know how to ask about this, I have spent a total of 20 years fighting this battle. I am tired, I am alone (but not lonely) I just want to give up sometimes. This post may be deleted, but i just want you all to know this is a sincere request for advice. I have spent many hours on the floor praying for deliverance. I don't have many friends; when my girlfriend left me , so did most of "our" friends. My "Christian" friends dumped me 6 years ago.
I don't even know what to ask for.......prayer? advice? someone who's "been there"? ( I have been involved in several "ex-gay" ministries.. They don't work either, they just make you hate yourself more if you don't "change")
As an added note, Ricky's post hit home too. It is so hard to feel anything anymore......especially love........
thanks
neeter