Caregiver shares more

[DuluthGA]

I thought I'd tell you all a little bit more about myself since I've gotten to know you all much more over the summer.  When I came on board with the 'handle' Caregiver, I wasn't foolin' around...   

Further back into the past beyond now caring for my 90-year-old father for five full years, I had been set aside from my 'normal' life to care for a couple of other wonderful life forms as well... my husband Bob, and my mother.

Bob, a happy, healthy, most-wonderful-man in the world type (Christian/secular) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's early 1996 and I cared for him until his ultimate demise with a sudden case of heart failure that snuffed him out peacefully in his sleep at the end of '99.  Within these four tragic years he could no longer talk nor feed himself, certainly incontinent, and could hardly walk.  At one point while he was able, he asked me to "pull the plug," but I had to tell this otherwise healthy man whose mind/brain/motor function was melting in front of my eyes that "honey there is no plug."

While all this was going on, he was swindled of a very large sum of money by a couple of his brothers who grew wings, sprouted feathers, and started swirling like vultures as soon as Bob's mental capacity started dwindling.  They essentially kidnapped him with undue influence for three months, added to his confusion, told him nasty lies about me, even tried to get some of his property including this house, then after that returned him to me much worse in mentation.  They had gotten what they wanted and could no longer handle him, spent the money, and from this point we did the best we could.  Yes I sought some legal action, but to keep this as short as possible, there simply were no laws on the state of Georgia's books to protect the demented in their financial transactions at the time.  If this had occurred in South Carolina where they DID have laws protecting the demented, it would have been another story.  Needless to say, gone was A CHUNK of Bob's money that would've helped in his care.  No worries [with God]... it all worked out and I was able to manage very frugally, and thank God they didn't get the house.

Actually, I don't know how I got through all of this.  I was a VERY sick puppy with a clinical depression that was barely relieved with psychiatry and antidepressants, but without which I would've been virtually physically paralyzed or facilitized myself, and all my senses were very limited.  I could hardly see, hear, think.  I was very limited in all of my functioning.... which, ha, is very unusual for me.  I relate to others who have here on this forum described a blackness... for me, I was falling down a purplish-blackish never-ending, twisting hole.  For me, it was an understandable reactive depression, reacting to my world coming out from underneath my feet.

When Bob died I came to full closure.  No more husband to care for, no more depression, not much money at all. [I had stopped working to care for him in 97]... even the modest life insurance money went in a heart beat to pay off all expenses incurred during the four-year tragedy... so I put a good foot forward, still not really IN the Lord, but having communed here and there, off and on.  I even went to His throne in my mind and shook my fist at Him a few times.  (Little ol' "ant" me!)  I was sittin' on zippo folks, and I don't know why He didn't snuff my little light out.

I didn't desire to go back to hospital work as respiratory therapist, so I typed the daily transcriptions of a close-by cardiology group and worked from my home doing so for two years, 2000-01, with small income.  It was the thing to do as I was recovering from it all.  Then they decided to go with outsourcing to India in the spring of 2002 and I was out of a job. This was right about the time that my father, a heck of a healthy guy, seventeen years older than my husband, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2001, was becoming unmanageable in a bad way at the retirement apartment my parents were residing.  [trying to keep this short.]

Does anybody else see our Lord's hand in this?  Losing the two men I loved MOST in this world due to Alzheimer's??  I was used to living on next-to-nothing, then out of a job, and my both my father and mother (both Catholic/secular) were on the verge of being facilitized.  Mom had been ill her whole life, was at the point of being on three different narcotics for intense pain and very frail.  It was given to me to step up to the plate.  I was already essentially and literally out of the world.  In June of 2002, I took both Mom and Dad into my home which gave me a little employment so to speak and gave them the best of care I could give, and it soon became like a little nursing home in my house!  They both could walk and talk when I inherited them, but it all went downhill very fast for them both.

Mom died a few short months after, a blessing to end her pain.  Dad is still with me, now being bed-bound over three years, and a year ago he got a stomach feeding tube and needs oral suctioning as necessary, otherwise he would choke on his own secretions because he cannot swallow.  He is essentially healthy still, happy and pleasant all of the time and can communicate a little and understands a little.  I do cheers and songs and dance jigs and call him funny names to make him smile.  My favorite is:  "Victory, victory, VICTORY OVER ALL!!"   

Can you imagine me, (only 53), a widow with no children who has had her husband as her son, her mother as her daughter, and her father as her baby boy?  How I praise God!  (When I used to curse Him.) 

And how I cherish you, my forum friends! 
Thank you for listening.   
Janice

[dawnnnny]

sniff sniff   

Jance, this made me think of my sister, who was so there for both my mom and dad when they died (5 years apart).  She was such the caregiver and I always wondered (still do) why I couldn't be how she was.   

I envy your husband and mother and father - to have such a loving wife/daughter, what a blessing to them and one to you also.  You're the first one who "talked" to me here and I knew back then you had such a kind and loving spirit.

Thank you for sharing a part of your life. 
Much love (and admiration!)
Dawn

[Kat]

Hi Janice,

You are a dear soul to your family, who could ask for more than you have done and are doing for them.
When I hear stories like yours I marvel at what God has put you through and the courage He has given you to rise up from it all.  The experiences you have gone through I can only assume is preparing you for a great and wonderful place in the kingdom 

mercy, peace and love
Kat

[Sue Creamer]

Hi Janice,

What a story, I am so touched by your love and faithfulness to your family.  I can see that God has
given you the strength to survive and I can only hope that in your shoes I would do so well...!

My mother (82) is presently into her third year of Alzheimer's and my sister who lives close to her has been there for her..!  Mom is still well but I know that will end soon.  Your sacrifice and "long suffering" is so encouraging to me...yes I do see God's hand in your life and how he has brought you through the nightmare to actually "rejoice in him".  I will remember your story as my Mom's life comes to an end.  My prayer for my mother has been that it might be God's will for her to die peacefully in her sleep as your husband did...!!! 

I don't think I have ever shock my fist at God...but I know there were times I questioned him big time..!!

Hang in there Janice, sounds like it is time for some peace in your life. 
Thank you so much for sharing...

Peace
Sue Ann

[DuluthGA]

Thank you goodie gals... 

But it's not over for me... I explain to people that although I don't work, I work ALL the time... very very little time off and very very little support from friends over the course of time and only a small, long-distance family... they just forget about us being tucked away here, plus...

When I first got Dad five years ago, I had three main supports:  My then boyfriend Fred and my best friends Lauri and Delacy.  Well two years ago Lauri at the age of 42 got married to a friend of Fred that I introduced her to, and I'm happy for her, but she has a whole new busy life with husband and in laws.  Then God put Delacy, 59, to repose of a probable heart attack, found dead in her home last October.  How I miss her!  And Fred, well, I don't blame him for falling by the way side (plus he's secular and I don't care for his company anymore) because I had little time for him between caring for Dad and this property.  I hardly ever sit still!

But now, at least since I've been reading BT, I know why.   

And Sue Ann I will definitely pray for your mother and those caring for her.

God's grace to you!
Janice

[gmik]

 

Wow, I have read three incredible threads since I got on.  Sandy, Jacieleigh, and yours!  How wonderful our God is.

Janice, this is the second time I have posted.  Lost the first one by clicking something wrong. Ha.  I always think that maybe I wasn't to post but I HAD to tell you what an angel you are.

I can't add to SueAnn, Kat, or Dawn, but, here you are helping all of us daily by your love, wit, and wisdom after having gone thru so much in your life.  <I mean those brother in laws!> I just marvel when I actually hear of God's miracles in action.  You are one dear heart and your daddy is very blessed to have you.

I have to tease you abit...remember that song... I am my own Grandpa...well I thought of that when you wrote about your family being as your children!

Well, I am rambling, but I am blessed of the Lord to know you!
<gena, get off computer> 

[Deborah-Leigh]

Janice

Thank you for sharing.

If I had to put myself into your shoes I'd melt in them and meet my own weakness which is beyond my comprehension on the way down!

Do you find that the cross you are carrying is still preferable to the one you see others struggling with? I mean, for example, I believe no one would want my cross and likewise I can not see myself surviving the cross others are MADE to ENDURE through the favor and grace of Christ.

Is it that we have a very small view or limited experience of the magnitude of the Endurance and Grace that can make a servant of Christ stand? I think that is it.

I have been pondering the thought that Job was restored and that is OT. Jesus was resurrected and that is our testament for we live in the NT times. Sorry for rambling....

I love how you say : I don't know why He didn't snuff my little light out.

Glad He didn't! Peace to you as He garrisons our hearts and our apprehensions in Christ Jesus. Phil 4-9

Arcturus

[LittleBear]

Hi Janice,

I agree with everyone here, you are wonderful! As I told you before you are an inspiration to me and I thank God for you. I know what you mean about your parents being your children. My mom and dad are like two kids and I need wisdom to know when to let them be and when to intervene. Your dad is so blessed to have you.

Love,

Ursula

[Shmeggly]

Janice, you are an inspiration....I can't believe how reading your post just did away with my self pity and hopelessness that I experienced today. 
I couldn't have dealt with half of what you've had to deal with, and I thank God He gave you what you needed to go on. 

You can't believe how your life impacts others....that really is a HUGE ministry in itself.  I pray for good things for you and wish you well... take care...James

[DuluthGA]

Thank you so much buddy Ursula... and I am doubly blessed to have my dad.  I'm so attached to him... how lonely I'd be without him.  There has already been so much loss for me.  How grateful I am that he still has good life in him, is able to respond and interact a little.  How I love to perform funny antics just to get a laugh out of him.  (I can be quite the clown... surprised?  No? ) 

And thank you Gena for such sweet compliments that I'm not quite sure I fulfill.  And no Gena... it was two of Bob's brothers... the ones that were so so nice for years at all the reunions and holiday parties...    Definite no-goodies.  I wonder if they've come to repent yet... "bet" they WILL... 

I remember telling you awhile back that I didn't think I'd really have time for this forum after joining, just scraps and pieces of time during the day, a little more late at night.  So I'm thankful and blessed for taking part when I can!!  BIG TIME!!

And a big thank you to you Arcturus for your very kind compliments that touched me dearly!  My cross-bearing experience has been thus:  First I realized I had one!  (Not trying to be funny, but it is funny I guess, ha!)  Then it became a matter of the process of realizing and actually asking, "just who am I and just what is it?"  The answers were God-given.  And yes I found myself comparing crosses with those I knew, but not so much now, yet I always wonder what He has for me around the next corner.  I KNOW there will be more tribulation and chastening grace for me.  I certainly acknowledge others have had it a lot worse than me with abuse, violence, ill health, etc., and I certainly wouldn't want to swap.  To me, our relative cross-bearing experiences are not able to transcend to glimpse the absolute immenseness and perfection of HIS judgment/salvation processes. 

I have found a verse recently that speaks to me although I'm not sure if I've got the interpretation right.  It's part of a verse set but I'll just display the one verse:

Rom 3: 4b   That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged.

I was happy to find this and it lets me know that though the judgment process I am given to overcome... because as we all know we certainly can't overcome on our own.  Praise God for all His Ways past finding out!

May God bless you all! 
Janice

[DuluthGA]

Thank you James for your kind and thoughtful words and well wishes.  I'm so glad you are a forum friend too!

Prayerfully for you and yours, 
Janice

[Deborah-Leigh]

Good one Janice

Our crosses are as you observe:  HIS judgment/salvation processes.  

I was thinking about Simon of Cyrene. I believe that the brethren are called to behave towards one another in much the same way as Simon of Cyrene who encouraged Jesus that it was just a little further to go to HIS death while helping for a brief distance our Lord to carry HIS Cross. We as brethren, one to another can also help briefly lift each others burdens but can not remove the cross anyone has to carry because our cross is HIS judgment/salvation processes.

So while it is given to us to occasionally help to lift the weight of someone elses cross to carry for an all too brief moment in time, it is the Spirit of Christ who equips us and helps MAKE us ENDURE to carry it all the way up to our Calveries of Carnality as we trip fall, bleed and follow HIM on our way.

Gal 6:2 Bear endure, carry one anther's burdens and troublesome moral faults, and in this way fulfill and observe perfectly the law of Christ the Messiah and complete what is lacking in your obedience to it. 3. For if any person thinks himself to be somebody too important to condescend to shoulder another's load when he is nobody of superiority except in his own estimation, he deceives and deludes and cheats himself.

I believe this scripture speaks again to the whole topic of this thread for all of us cross carriers needing to complete what is lacking in our obedience, that may surface in resentment and bitterness we have perhaps for the particular cross ( His judgment/salvation processes) we are individually fitted to carry, bear, endure and by His Will, overcome.

Here in we see another reason for this Forum and another reason for our membership here.

Peace be to you

Arcturus

[Robin]

Thank you for sharing your heart with us Janice.

This is a verse that I've held onto for many years.

Joel 2:24-26

24And the floors shall be full of wheat, and the vats shall overflow with wine and oil.

25And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.

26And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.

[neeter]

my mom cared for her mother for 12 years before they had to make the agonizing decision to put her in a rest home. 3 months later she passed away.......mom felt a lot of guilt......but it just happened her illnesses became worse at that time.....i was 10 and it was tough.it will be a hard decision when they are unable to care for themselves.....i live 850 miles from them, and my only sister is busy on a farm and 2 kids to raise..not much more family........i have time to think about this......they are probably healthier than i am 

i will be praying

neeter

[dogcombat]

Janice,

I TOTALLY understand what you're going through as a caregiver.  When I served as a caregiver for my mom(who passed away 4 years ago), it was a true learning experience.  What I learned was that I was supposed to give care to someone who couldn't care for herself.  I saw then a hint of how selfish I could be (and became).  God used that experience to teach me things about HOW to care about people in a way I never could have known.  I know about not having a "normal" life.  But then, I probably would have gone through some damning situations trying to find one. 

Jesus words in Matthew 10:39 come to mind:

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

I had to lose the life I had in order to find the life in Him that endures.

God be with you
Ches

[DuluthGA]

Gal 6: 2 is a great verse, thanks again Arcturus for your up-lifting sentiments and edifying comments.   

M.G. those verse are SOLID GOLD, thank you for your sweetness.   

Neeter, thanks for sharing.  Wow, twelve years was a long time.  And I hear ya about it being tough from the eyes of your childhood and all involved.  Yet it occurs to me that if something is not going "wrong"... (wink-wink) ... something is not going right.     Thank you sincerely for your prayers.

Wise words Ches, you goodie.    Thanks for responding.  Actually FYI, the Concordant Literal New Testament has the better translation that most have missed (I learned from Ray can't remember where) for Matt 10: 39:

He who is finding his soul will be destroying it, and he who destroys his soul on My account will be finding it.

To me that adds a more real dimension to it, but yes, I am with you in spirit on this one.   

I am grateful for my wonderful friends,
Janice

[SandyFla]

Janice,

I can understand your feelings as a caregiver, as I am taking care of aging parents myself. Neither of them have Alzheimer's but I had an uncle who died several years ago from that. My dad had a stroke about a year ago, and my mom has diabetes and is legally blind, along with other complications that come with the disease.

Your post has given me hope that I can cope with the things I deal with on a daily basis, and what may be yet to come.

God bless you, my dear sister!

Sandy

[MarieMcNeill]

hi janice

thank you for posting your story to the forum, God bless you and keep you! You are a faithful servant in ways  most of us will never know.  I have looked after my father for 3 yrs until the age of 81 and my mum yet now 77, dad passed away in feb but was determined to do it, i know this sounds horrnedous, but he would argue every day over taking his tablets and nebules for the nebuliser, wouldm't allow me to sterilise the nebuliser or change his clothes or wash or shave every single day, and the greatest blow was when the doctors did a mental assessment and announced he was choosing to do most of this.  He died suddenly from a chest infection, we battled every day to keep him healthy against his will.  His family despise us and blame us for his death and do not accept his oncoming dementia and his death wish.  We are under siege , been investigated by the police etc., and worse, threats form dad' family etc. 

Thankfully mum is still with us and very well, she wants to live!!! takes her tablets, will be washed, be dresed  in fresh clothes, go to the doctor etc and is a joy and blessing to me.

i have been so depressed i could see no way out.  But a way out came when i was on the poverty line beaten down despised by my father's family, Christ says 'Follow me', every day we( Tommy and me) search the bible to learn what to do today , how to live, act etc., now i ask my Heavenly Father about everyhting, making lists (how sad) to make sure i praise him for my blessings ev day and answers to my prayers and lists o things to pray for ticking em off and praising our Father for answering em.

Janice, The Lord bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon you and give you peace in Jesus name, Amen.

Thank you for your story.

I'll be thinking and praying for you regular

Cheerio

marie

[gmik]

Bless your heart Marie. Everyones stories are so unique and yet so similar.  God's ways are so wise, whether we understand or not.

I have said it before but I must say, those of you (and there are many here)that are caregivers to your mum's and dad's (and daddy's) are the BEST!  You are angels here on earth. That kind of love only cmes from the FATHER.  He has chosen you.

My mom is in a nursing home and I barely have a relationship w/ my dad.(they divorced when I was 2).  But I don't go out of my way much or sacrifice.  When I hear about your sacrifices and love, well, I just don't think I could do it.  This used to bother me immensely, but when I found BT and learned about God's Will and no free will, well I don't beat myself up over it as much.

To all Caregivers:

[DuluthGA]

Hi Marie... and WELCOME TO DA FORUM... AND I AM IN UTTER SHOCK about your story about your dad.  Good grief!!

AAK!

Well after what I've been through, nothing surprises me anymore.

May God favor you too faithful servant!  Let me know how this all plays out.  It sounds as horrendous as what I went through yet you sound still somewhat upbeat and at more of a spirtually strengthened station in life than I was at the time of our tragedy.... well.... you HAVE to be.... you are taking care of Mom.  Praise God.

MARIE.... I LEFT OUT A LOT OF DETAILS IN MY STORY..... AND IF I FILLED THEM IN, YOU AND I COULD BE CLOSE TO TWIN SISTERS IN WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND LORD AND FATHER JUST BRINGS YOU HERE TO MY LAP NOW??  And to this fantastic forum??  AMAZING!!

HOW I PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!!!!!!

THIS IS REALLY SOMETHING!!!!!!!!! 

There needs to be a smiley that has its mouth hanging wide open, sort of in dumbfounded awe. 

Dear sister, thank you so much for posting tonight.  How I look forward to hearing more from you.  Please allow me to cut this a bit short for tonight as I must go.... I would love to chat with you more.  YOU HAVE TURNED UP AT THE RIGHT PLACE!!  I'm a-giggle with excitment for a new friend but must hop for now.  More on the morrow.

So much sounds so similar... my husband started spiraling downward in a bad way when he too no longer wished to bathe... I too keep bible study lists and a listing of what to include in my prayers.... so much the same.

KEEP AT IT GIRL!!  I pray you are not too depressed and can stay functional.  If not, you need to get on a medicine.  Hopefully we can touch base, as you will with others here, that this will help LIFT YOUR SPIRITS... as these wonderful people have lifted mine.... as I too have been growing a little tired and weary lately.  We can only cling to our loving God! 

GOD BLESS YOUR MUM!!

I sincerely hope to chat with you very soon. 

YOU ARE DEFINITELY IN MY PRAYERS!!

Your have my heartfelt THANKS,
Janice