Hello, i'm on the brink of going insane right now, and i honostly need all the prayer i can get.. maybe God will hear you over me, because i certainly don't even deserve to talk to Him.
My mind is on the brink of like exploding, the realization of utter hopelessness without Him, the ability to see my efforts are useless without His strength, and the want to follow him, but the UNABILITY to do a darn thing about makeing one little step towards Him has driven me mad. I truly feel like my mind is about the explode. I Just can't, with all my will and strength and all the power vested in me [which is absolutely nothing as i see it] i am unable to do one good thing.
I don't like what is happening to me, i hate who i am becoming, and yet i cannot change it. I honostly feel like i'm going insane, i hate not haveing controle, i fear not haveing controle, but its not me that fears at all? WHAT? Yes thats right, there is like 2 alex's. The one that wants to stop sinning, and the one that ENJOYS IT. AHHHHHHHH WHAT? How can that be? I DONT WANT TO SIN, and YET I SIN! I ENJOY IT, BUT THEN I HATE IT!
I just... i don't know what is going on wiht me, something i can't controle, and it frightens me, i'm going down the wrong path, and i don't want to, i apply the brakes, the car that is my life screeches, but the car just won't stop! I cry out, and i cry out! Deliverance, i need it, deliver me oh Lord, and nothing..., nothing because the screeching of that speeding car blocks out all the sound, drowns it out, until there is nothing i can hear but those breaks struggling to stop but completley unable to.
I really just need your prayers.. i know this sounds all wierd, and 'oh alex it's not a big deal,' but it really is. Does anyone know what it feels like to be on the verge of looseing your mind? Yes i'm sure some of you do, and all this is because i can't do what i want to do, and i can't stop wanting what i don't want to want any longer.
It's scary when you realize, it's gonna take divine influence upon your heart to turn this reck around, and yet.. you know theres nothing you can do, to recieve that influence, or to make you worthy of it. Theres absolutely nothing, not one thing. No man, no power on earth, that could make you deserving of His grace to change you and conform you to the image of His Son. And all the while, you are left, watching yourself as you head for that reck, that seems so avoidable, and yet nothing can be done to avoid it.
I guess i'm just realy scared, seeing how God has not intervened and not given me power over this this sin that i just cannot stop repeating it , despite how much i hate it and want to stop, it makes me afraid, because i feel that since God hasn't intervened yet... that he never will..
please pray for me.
Thank you and i hope GOd gives me the strength to atleeast pray for you all, because you all deserve it.
I can still love [thank God heh..], so that i will do.. i love you all
Alex