Godschild,
You may FEEL like a failure in the natural sense, but don't sweat it. A writer once asked the question to those who struggle on this journey: "How can God be disillusioned with you, when he had no illusions of you?" The good part about being a failure in your walk with Him is that you are starting to come to the end of your own understanding. How is this so? In Proverbs 3:5 we a told to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean NOT on your own understanding.
Your struggle is one where you learn to let go and let God do His will in you to reflect good works THROUGH you. For our God "IS an all consuming fire". And you will understand (in HIS appointed time) John 1:5 "And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." Light is symbolized as thought. In other words "when the light comes on..... For He is the vine and we are the branches and apart from Him, we can do NOTHING. In Isaiah 55 we see:
6 Seek the LORD while He may be found,
Call upon Him while He is near.
He WON'T leave you or forsake you.
7 Let the wicked forsake his way,
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
Let him return to the LORD,
And He will have mercy on him;
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon.
We all will leave our First love, those whom He foreknew will cry out to Him
8 “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
9 “ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
Does Proverbs 3:5 and John 1:5 become a little clearer. His ways are Spritually Discerned (1 Cor 2:14) so in His time He'll make it clearer.
10 “ For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
And do not return there,
But water the earth,
And make it bring forth and bud,
That it may give seed to the sower
And bread to the eater,
11 So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
You see. It's a process of making His word a living reality as you follow Him and die to self. However, it takes time. And He is in TOTAL control.
12 “ For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills
Shall break forth into singing before you,
And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
And it shall be to the LORD for a name,
For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”[/color]
Godschild, God has you right where He wants you. You only failed trying to live Godly on your human understanding. Now that He's revealed that to you, He will be the one to teach, and train you how to love Him as He ALREADY loved you.
God be with you
Ches