Truth101,
Thank you for sharing your past experiences. I too understand torment. I was at a point where I was in deep depression over the doctrine of hell. Being in a church and hearing all the things about being saved, and such, I also read the scriptures with that template of hell in the balance.
As I read the scriptures thinking that people better than me (as we are led to believe in most churches) understood these things I had little choice at the time but to think hell was real and so frightening. Being determined to read the bible on my own I soon realized that from the scriptures, if hell was real, I saw no possible way of escape. Saying I was saved, even though thats something people do, was not enough. I could never measure up to the standard of really being saved. Christians tried to assure me that I was forgiven because I asked for it, but then I soon realized that often I was not sorry, and I couldn't think to myself enough that I really was sorry. Some things sure I came to be different about, but what if I died not actually being sorry for a sin. How could I possibly be forgiven?
I was in this torment most of my life. I am 43 and only in the last 3 years have I been set free, I try to tell so many people and few really want to listen. But that is ok, because now I know that it is not up to me or them and mercy from God is the greatest gift to mankind and everyone will one day know it.