Touchy subject

[Wepnx0916]

I don't know how to ask this question but I don't know what to do. My wife and I rarely have night time activities. This is not my choice either. I had a high drive when we married and still do. She says she doesn't like the act because she says it's too painful and because of this my needs aren't being met. She doesn't like foreplay because she thinks it's dirty and not enjoyable. She says she loves me and couldn't live without me and likes to cuddle. I am burning up because my needs aren't being met at all. The whole thing is on her time table which she says she feels guilty about. On the one hand I don't want her to be hurt but I also don't feel she is honoring her end of the marriage by totally disregarding my needs. I feel guilty because I feel I should be able to understand her and not be selfish. I am being tempted in so many ways it's on my mind almost 24/7. How should one handle this the way the Lord would want?

[hillsbororiver]

Hi Wepnx,

Is your wife a believer?

Paul speaks of this matter in 1Corinthians Chapter 7;

1Co 7:1  Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

1Co 7:2  Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

1Co 7:3  Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

1Co 7:4  The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

1Co 7:5  Defraud (deprive) ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Has a doctor been consulted in regard to the "pain" problem?

His Peace and Comfort to you both,

Joe
 

[Wepnx0916]

Thank you for replaying. The doctor says it is in her head as there is no physical reason for her pain. She is a believer in Jesus but still in the babylon way of thinking. After our last child she said she felt differentand thinks the doctor cut something. When I bring the subject she often gets angry right away or really tries to avoid talking about it. She says is is not me that's the problem but her because she just doesn't have any intrest.

[phazel]

Thank you for replaying. The doctor says it is in her head as there is no physical reason for her pain. She is a believer in Jesus but still in the babylon way of thinking. After our last child she said she felt differentand thinks the doctor cut something. When I bring the subject she often gets angry right away or really tries to avoid talking about it. She says is is not me that's the problem but her because she just doesn't have any intrest.

Is the Doctor saying it is in her head the same Doctor your wife claims cut something? 

[Kat]

Hi Wepnx,

Your wife may have come to see sex/foreplay as being improper and not the right way for a 'nice' Christian girl to behave.  Well let her read some of the Song of Solomon   
I believe the pain comes in because she does not enjoy it, she has convinced herself it is not good.  If the female is not receptive, it would be thought of as mentally painful.
You need to help her understand that God has given this gift to a husband and wife, so that they can share this special bonding experience that they have with no one else.  It should be a way that a couple can find pleasure with one another that should be exciting and wonderful.  You are going to have to help her overcome her inhibitions.  You may need to woo her and rekindle that old love flame, that I assume you once had.  It should not be 'sex' but making love, if you know what I mean.
I hope that helps 

mercy, peace and love
Kat

[Deborah-Leigh]

Hi Wepnxo960

There is no guarantee that any relationship can mature to intimate trusting levels of codependency or that this happens automatically in relationships. There could be any number of reasons for the withdrawal of your wife.

I do not know why you are experiencing these trying circumstances but we do know there is a Divine purpose and Plan in this trial for both you and your wife.

I do not know how old you or your wife are?

Relationships at 20 then 30 then 40 then 50  will experience CHANGE.  The tensions of inhibition, religious misinformation, expectations and assumptions can do much to harm intimacy that errode the deeper levels of giving and receiving which is entirely different to the surface levels of youthful attractions to the opposite sex. Love making begins before the bedroom. Kindling that fire as Kat says,  with approval, affirmation, encouragement, a kind word, a helpful gesture...all go a long way.

I do not know if you have been as honest and candid with your wife as you have with us? I do not know if your wife has been honest and candid with you.   Perhaps you need to slow down and ask her when she is feeling the pain and it wouldn't hurt to know when she is feeling pleasure.   Look for what makes her feel joy and ask her to help you find where that is, how it is, and what she needs. Her body is not dead. She might simply need a little tender loving care with much patience, strength, resolve, fortitude and determination from you. Are you willing to let the fuel of your souls passion be quenched in the effort to please your wife in order to physically ignite before you receive your own gratification. Are you putting ladies first? ....

Obey this commandment and you will never have a sex problem Eph 5 : 28 Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.....

One thing is certain, there is no quick, easy or pain free fix.

Peace be to you

Arcturus

[Dennis Vogel]

How old is your wife?

From: http://www.lef.org/protocols/female_reproductive/female_hormone_restoration_01.htm

In addition to estrogen and progesterone, it's also important to monitor levels of pregnenolone, DHEA, and testosterone. The ideal goal of HRT therapy goes beyond the suppression of side effects caused by dropping hormone levels. The real goal of Life Extension's hormone restoration program is to restore hormone levels to those of a woman aged 20 to 29. Such an approach has wide-ranging benefits throughout the body, including psychological well-being and sex drive.

Dennis

[Beloved]

Wow I am so proud of how all of you guys addressed this delicate subject., good answers especially Dennis. 

As an OB/Gyn it seems to me that there may be several issues going on at the same time.

Your wife fseems to feel that since the delivery that she is uncorfotable, was she cut or did she tear. The repeair could be the problem.

She could be fearful of getting pregant and having to experience childbirth again.

Right on Dennis   Her hormones could be unbalanced, if breastfeeding it could be estrogen if not it could be DHEA or testosterone.

All of these issues should be addressed by a gynecologist.

Another issue is her sexuality. Could there be a history of abuse?

On the other hand some girls have been brainwashed that sex and their bodies are "dirty" and cannot let go of these thoughts even when they conflict with their feelings towards their husbands.

These issues are best handle by gyneclogist who has a special interst in sexuality (many are too busy to be able to do this because it take so much time). If you live in a cosmopolitan area you can also look for a sex therapist, I recommend a female one in this case. Even though I hate to refer to Babylon....there are even christian sex therapists...they should  at least help with scriptural references even though they will be physical and not spiritual references )

It is sweet that you are so patient but I fully understand how difficult it is that your wife is not meeting your needs

(1Co 11:9 CLV)  For, also, man is not created because of the woman, but woman because of the man."

It is the only the wife who can brings out the best in her husband...that is why God gave Adam a helpmeet.  When her husband needs are met there is nothing he will not do for her in return.

(1Co 11:11 CLV)  However, neither is woman apart from man, nor man apart from woman, in the Lord.

A married couple are one flesh and symbolic of Christ and his elect

(1Co 11:12 CLV)  For even as the woman is out of the man, thus the man also is through the woman, yet all is of God."

Eve came from Adam
All makind is born through womandkind
All of humankind will return to GOD

Beloved

[Wepnx0916]

Thank you all for your insights. My wife is 49 and I am 45. We have been married for 26 years. She has had two c-sections and her tubes tied so there is no danger of her getting pregnant. We have 3 grand children right now with one on the way. She has had abuse before she met me. It seems in her country this happens a lot (Korea). Gyn says she is physically fine. her last c-section was in 1983 so why would these problems crop up in the last 15 years. I was 19 When I got married and I don't feel I made a bad choice. She is not a strong believer but I'm not perfect either. She now says she is all confused because I have only discovered the truth a few months ago. She cannot read English so I have to explain the information from the web site as best I can.

[hillsbororiver]

Hi Wepnx,

Perhaps the following link will help in accessing the articles on Bible Truths in your wife's first language, scroll down this page until you find it;

http://www.google.com/language_tools

His Peace to you and yours,

Joe

[Beloved]

Sorry but your post made it sound like this was a recent event,

If she is 49 then it is definitely hormone depletion estrogen testosterone or DHEA, the later two have more to do with libido sex drive. Estrogen is important for female comfort.

Her lack of hormones also is may be contributing to her a sense of "empty nest" since there will be no more children...in her mind she may not feel the need to have sex now.  And yes granchildren only add to this sense because it is also not her who is having them.  The mind works in funny ways some times.

Also growing old and changes in the body also contribute to the lack of interest. Men do not seem to suffer from this...men are not always so body conscious as women....age effects women differently..

She may be physically fine but she is hormonally and emotionally weakened. I do not have a lot of experience working with the Asian culture but do see that some of these women often do not have much self esteem and are very uncomfortable talking about this.  

Try your best to be patient and positive, it will be hard because women can become irrational in times of hormone unbalance.

Beloved

[Wepnx0916]

this has been ongoing for the last 15 years so it's a recent event also. She has been complaining since our second child was born in 83.

[phazel]

Wepnx0916,

My wife is 48 and  the doctors said she could not be going through menopause when she was in her early 40's,  my wifes breasts get very tender and  the doctor can check them and say there is nothing wrong.

In our case I have a theory that insurance HMO's probably have age guidelines that might prevent them from treating someone for menopause if they are under a certain age,  because now, at 48 with the exact same symptoms they have started her on some medicines.


Bless my wifes heart despite her admission that her breast were off limits due to extreme pain or sensitivity,  I could tell she was experiencing pain during intercourse and went ahead,  my flesh wanted to just not say anything because I was getting it.   But I finally got it out of her that intercourse was painful.   I don't want to elevate myself as my flesh kept kicking me for saying anything because now I rarely get any.  But ultimatly I have come to an understanding that my spirit is doing the right thing.

The doctors cannot just do a test and say, yep, she is having pain there.   I would suspect your wife is not lying,  I would suspect,, based on my behavior that your wife may not know how to convince you.

If I am projecting my feelings  assessing your situation it is not intended to be judgmental,  its one of those things, this is my life and if the shoe fits then wear it,   

I would investigate the medical aspects of what others have said.


I understand what your saying about how your wife is reacting to your beliefs,  my wife is concerned for me in that regaurd, LOL.

[Sozo]

I don't have an answer for you, but maybe it will help if I tell you of my own experience.  My wife and I went through this same thing for many years.  She had little drive and almost always experienced pain.  It was frustrating for both of us for the first 12 years of our marriage.  We have 3 kids and all were birthed by c-section.  I don't think that had any thing to do with it since she had this problem before the first child was even born.  However, 4 years ago, the doctor decided that my wife should have a full hysterectomy (I can't remember the exact reason).  After the hysterectomy, our sex life did a complete turn around.  She no longer experienced any pain and her drive went up (higher than mine even). 

I'm not trying to say that this is the solution for your wife.  I just thought I would share our story because for my wife, we are 99.9% sure that her problem was medical.  Maybe your wife could get another medical opinion.