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My Journey to BT

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jakfr0s:
Hi all! If anyone is interested here is how I got here. Ive always believed that there was a God since as far as I could remember due to my grandparents always taking me to church every sunday. She would always tell me bible stories which I really loved especially about Sampson.  My grandma once told me that everyone would go to heaven. I dont remember her ever talking about hell except once she said something about the lake of fire but I cant remember what it was. Ive always been interested in the teachings of God and Jesus and I would read just about anything related to Them. It blows me away now to think of all the deception I have believed and I cant help but to wonder why? I was one who thought he knew it all and was very proud to share it with others. Whats funny is I loved to sin all through my life and bragging about what I knew about God was part of that sin. Sometimes I feel like Paul when he said he was chief of sinners, Ive experienced some of the worst evils you can imagine, and I have done some of the worst evils you can imagine except murder which isnt to say I didnt try. Oh God why?! So much guilt and shame on me I wanna die! My life has been torture and God caused it all! Sometime last year I prayed in earnest to God to show me the Truth about heaven and hell. Why if He knew that the majority of humanity would roast in hell for ever, why did He create us? I thought what a waste, "if you are truly just and fair as you say then why"? I knew deep down that if He truly was loving then He maybe would pull us out of hell when we had enough. I was actually looking forward to burning in hell as just punishment for my sins. As sick as it sounds it made me happy to know I would burn for being so bad, just as long as it wasnt for ever. So as I was praying to God for answers I asked him to show me where my grandmother was cause I wasnt sure if she would go to hell or heaven. I wanted to know cause if she was in hell thats where I wanted to be, if in heaven then thats where I wanted to be. I didnt care. I love my aana too much to leave her alone. I told her once that I would be buried with her and she laughed. She has long since died and Im still here. Actually everyone I have ever loved has died on me, except for the family I have now and it scares me what God has planned for me next. Anyway like I was saying I was praying for the Truth and recently I came across Ronald Weinlands site and it gave me so much relief when he said that most of everyone will be saved and I just started crying and thanking God. I really started to believe that he was one of the 2 witness's in Revelations and actually began to prepare for world war 3 that was suppose to happen in April or May. It was sometime before April of this year I came across BT and it seemed like an accident at the time but I know better now. I was looking for a website that had the teachings of a Mr. Armstrong and I think it was www.biblicaltruth.com but I typed in bible truth.com in google and came up with BT! I knew then Weinland was a false prophet and that God was using something evil and turning it into something good so I could see the truth. He sure does work mysteriously! Iam here now, I know the Truth, but all I want to do is sin. I know in His good and perfect time He will fix me, but I cant help but be impatient which is by the way one of my biggest weakness's. I want to change but I dont see it and I hear Satan telling me lies saying God is showing me all this for nothing. Sometimes I believe that and it discourages me. I hate myself, I hate this friggin world! Sometimes I wish He would kill me now and put me out of my misery. Why did He have to answer my prayer? Sometimes I think I was better off not knowing the Truth. Now the guilt and shame and hate and anger and sadness is almost too much to bear. Help me God! Help me Jesus!! Please pray for me and my family that God's will be in my life quickly. I know I am right where He wants me to be, but I sure the heck dont want to be here sometimes. Am I being dragged? I guess God only knows why Iam here right now so desperate. You people are the only ones I can turn to for guidance and answers and to learn God's will for my life. My life has been filled with so much sorrow and heartache and self pity, and I have done nothing but cause the same towards my fellow man. I fear God's wrath is only beginning. I fear for my wife and children knowing God has in store for them suffering. I know its what qualifies us to enter into the Kindom of God but knowing that right now does not help. I know it is through much tribulation that we enter His Kingdom and now that I have some knowledge of the Truth I know that there is more to come weather or not Im am chosen as His Elect. Its scares me! Seems either way suffering is for sure. Dont get me wrong I truly can see what He has in store for every single soul that ever lived and it really is good news. God truly is loving and just and fair! He has given me and my family so many good things and I thank him alot for those good things. Ive even been thanking Him for the evil things and the suffering knowing maybe someday He will tell me " Well done thou good and faithful servant, enter into thy Kingdom, you have earned it"! Please anyone correct me if Im wrong anywhere in my writings here and back it up with the Scripture so there is no doubt. I hope I havent offended anyone and if I did that was not my intent and please forgive. It feels so good to get all that out. Thank you all for your time. Looking forward to your comments and suggestions and most of all Im looking forward to the wisdom you have to share that God has blessed you all with.         

OBrenda:
Hi Jakfr0s,

Welcome my brother to a place where you can hear the truth, and be encouraged to keep fighting the good fight.  A scripture dear to my heart is....

Be Still and know that I'm God!

When I do this, I enter his rest and have peace by giving up the illusion that I have control. And I become an imitator of Christ who prayed....Thy will be done.  Being Still with my focus on Him stops my mind chatter, and faith bubbles up within me.

I was not in anyway offened by you sharing your heart.  My reaction was only a desire to hug you!

Keep on sharing,
Brenda

jakfr0s:
Thank you OBrenda! I love that verse and God has to remind me of it sometimes. You wanting to hug me brought tears to my eyes cause I know you mean it and you dont even know me aside from what I have written which maybe was alot more than I had meant to write. Anyway you have shown me love only God can give because "God is Love" and it seems He is in you and that means alot to me. I only hope I can have such a love in me someday soon. God bless you

lorrie:
Hi JackfrOs!I am not offended by your post either i am actually impressed with how open you are.Ill bet most of the folks here at B T can relate to alot of what you have written. i can relate to your having wanted to die because you see yourself in a box, and you feel so empty and worthless and full of shame i know ive been there, you are now on your way to being healed except his love and dont question it, and never let go my brother!

May the grace of our Father be yours!

jakfr0s:
Thank you Jaguar for the encouragement, God knows I need it badly. God bless you friend.

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