Born and raised in a Church of Christ, I had been brain washed into believing that mine was the correct religion. My mom was hard core in her beliefs and she expected the same from the family.
Ours was the perfect little family! We were praised by others for being so good and talented. My sister and I grew up singing and playing instruments up front most every Sunday it seemed. Wednesday nigth bible-studies, Thursday night Choir, VBS, and youth group activities were our lives. We were the poster children of perfection: Lovng Jesus and obeying the rules. My sister and I were baptised on the same day when I was 8. I went along with everything I was taught. I never questioned a thing... for a time.
Middle school consisted of the same except we added the youth group outing to Heavens Gates, Hell's Flames: a church drama about a highschool kid who drives drunk, gets killed and Jesus sends him to Hell. The hell scene was outside and we had to walk through it while deamon (actors) grabbed at our clothes and yelled at us while Satan laughed at the boy... all in all it was a great experience ...yeah right. When the play was done we could choose the heaven door to exis or the hell... I chose heaven and I still wonder what was on the other side of the hell door. Probably the church leaders spitting on the poor kid.
In high school, I was really involved in my youth group and when the leadership roles changed, so did the atmosphere of the group. The new leaders had a rough sense of humor and felt it necessary to make fun of all the things we kids did.. we too then picked up their habbit and the group became cruel. I asked to make a statement in the leader meeting and I prepared a page full of scripture confronting their behavior.. I may have come across as a bratty kid telling my leaders that they were in the wrong, but I really felt that something was way off! The leaders listened and then after I was through, yelled at me and told me I was out of line.. that was it... I let it go.
I was upset with the church. The elders were in charge and I felt that I knew God better than them. They were awful! All the back-biting, gossip, slander, cliques, etc. started to really wear on me. I became depressed my Senior year and put God out of my life
A thunderstorm rolled in town and followed me home from school. I was peculiarly afraid of the storm for some reason and when I got home, I got out of my car, slammed the door and yelled at God: "What??" (sarcastically). That was a point in my life looking back I was actually able to begin to understand what having a real relationship instead of what I was told to have by others.
I was in college and was seeing that there was more out there than the country club snobbery I was experiencing at my home church. I had been walking though the motions of religion, being fed poison. I did not know the real Jesus. I was searching.
I was pretty naieve in well, most everything. I guess you could say I grew up pretty sheltered. I never smoked, drank, cussed, had sex (I only kissed one boy once.), watched The Simpson, Friends, etc. I was taught that that was evil, etc. I looked down on others for being bad. When I'd go home on the weekends in college, I'd go to church with my family and then our dinner conversation was tearing apart everyone at church :" what was she wearing, she looked like a slut!" " He sang so off key! It was awful!" They were so retarded" .... Those were real things we said at the time.
I met my future husband my freshman year of college and we were best friends. He drank casually and was a dreaded Lutheran! My church of christ mother would never approve of that!... well she kind of accepted it some how.
Our relationship became more than just best friends. Because of my background with being sheltered, I was shocked that I, miss perfect Becky could stoop so low as to fall in love and sin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW! What a revelation; what a shocker! I had gotten carried away in kissing and we didn't have sex.... he just touched my chest. Gee wiz... I was a slut!
Actually, I was so upset that I decided to stop dating for 6 months and work on my relationship with God... I read so many Christian books, and worked so hard and redeeming myself from my sin. I actually learned a lot in that time and God was starting to show me what was wrong with me.. Geee I wasn't perfect... Gee there actually was meaning to the word Grace... even at that time my church didn't even talk about the noun grace, so that was even new to me.
My husband waited patiently for me even though I had said we were through. I thought he was bad for making me be bad... Yeah ok.. We eventually became friends again and he says that he had been dumped for God (that made me feel all holy!)
Fast forward:
We got married in the Lutheran Church and all was well.
My sister and I had had a rough existance together, especially after I left the church of christ and got married before her. She is probably one of those borderline personality cases and has really extreme outbursts. I once was so scared of her that I ran from her,fell in the hall, scraped my knees, got up and ran though the neighborhood without knowing there was blood running down my legs. So I guess you can say, I didn't like my sister.. Ok you can say I actually hated her actions. I still hoped deep down that she'd treat me kindly. (with sincerity)
All was well at the Lutheran church exept that the snobbery that I experienced at my old church surfaced again... slowly and less obviously.
I participated in a womens renewal thast lasted 6 months. We told our stories and then had to lead a weekend for new ladies. We had to spiritually discern who'd do what job for the weekend.. What the heck was spiritual discernment, I wondered? They apparently didn't know either. Like before, the same old story: it was all about the rules. We got caddy and got hurt feelings. That was fun!
The ladies helped my husband and I out with money (it was a pretty wealthy church group) while were newlyweds and still in college. I felt guilty for accepting the groceries when I felt they were wrong and out of touch. I guess hunger outweighs guilt. It was during these times I was getting over panic attacks and some severe anxiety. I discovered I had ADHD too and began treatment which has still been helping to this day.
I questioned the pastors on doctrines, infant baptism, communion, and why they wore white angel outfits when they preached. I never got a real good answer.... they were nicer people than my first church but under the "niceness" it seemed overall, that they just didn't get it.
I stopped going... because I moved to the country and that was good. I had found my excuse. I was searching again for the truth and wrote 14 pages in my journal in Sept 05 about the church that was fake and wrong... then I typed in "hell" on Google and ended up here. I got so excited and told my mom... shoot, I even showed my mom the scripture in Romans that talked about God being sovereign.... she couldn't see..I let it go. She wont talk about it. My husband is so logical that our discussions are pretty non productive. Sometimes after Im sad from talking, he'll say that he was just testing me... then I'm happy and talk to him again.. then he gets upset again.. After discussing it here with you all and learning from my mistakes, I have just talked about the milk casually.
I pray he'll see the truth. You all are the only ones who I can really talk to. It is a lonely road. But I wouldn't trade knowing Jesus for all the rules and "friends" in the "world".
Thank you
Becky
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Topic: similarly different (Read 6583 times)