nightmare,
Take some time to listen to this audio. It will maybe help sort out some of your questions.
http://dakotaland.homelinux.com/audio_toc.html The Spiritual Significance of Numbers in the Scriptures: Three= The Process of Spirtual Completion.
Just ask God to give you His Spirit to be able to hear His voice through His Word.
The twelve apostles had not a clue to what Jesus was saying til after the day of Pentacost when they where filled with the Spirit of God and all things they where previosly told began to click.
Those God drags to Jesus will be the ones who choose to be obedient and faithful to His doctrines and they will be few indeed(during this physical lifetime) and will hear the true sheperds voice and follow His lead.
Joh 14:12 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.
nightmare I have no doubt if you sincerely beg God for understanding He will be faithful to His Word and plans for you. God is not a respector of any one person over another.
Joh 14:13 And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
Keep enduring,Tim